Hi everyone,

This is the first time i have contributed to tiny buddha but have been reading so many posts from some amazing people i feel it is now my time to put my heart out there and hopefully get some advice or help or anything really.

Where do i begin…

I have kind of run away from a relationship that i thought was perfect until infidelity hit me like a ton of bricks a few years ago, i then hopped from one meaningless relationship to another, eventually travelling for a year to get away from my problems instead of facing them.

A year away that let me learn a lot about myself and others, on returning back to the UK, the last thing i expected was to meet someone so soon. But i did and i cannot tell you how this relationship has impacted my life. Unfortunately, an old flame kept clawing their way back in to my life with manipulation of my feelings, suggestion of suicide, depression and using all forms or tactics to keep me in their life. No matter how many times i told them to leave me alone, ignore them or cut them out, they found a way back.

I know i must take responsibility for my actions, but the last thing i wanted to do was hurt someones feelings but in the end the only people i hurt was myself and the one i love.

I was so happy with my new found love, this type of love is something i had never experienced before, when their smile can melt your heart, their voice makes your hairs stand up with excitement and that feeling of waiting for them to appear fills you with so much love and wonder that you never knew life could be this good.

Every part of me wishes i could get this girl back, sadly the old flame managed to somehow get hold of her and exaggerate the truth, blow things out of context and use all of her spitefulness to end any happiness i had.

The thing is, i know that i need to move on, my now ex wants nothing to do with me, i have to accept it. But i have written an accountability letter to try and get a little closure for myself and i hope for her. I am not sure if it will make a difference but i wish she knew how much i loved her and would do anything to make her happy again. It has been a month since she walked out of my life and although i am stronger and have had time to reflect and gain some perspective, i know in every part of me, from the hole in my heart to the horrible feeling in my gut that we are supposed to be in each others life. I cannot explain it and have never felt this way about someone before.

If she ever were to come across this post i wish her all the happiness in the world and not a day goes by where i do not regret the way i handled the situation and did not communicate my problems. From my zero self worth to the girl who wanted to bring me nothing but pain. All the love in my heart goes with you and i wish i knew how i move on from this.

I found that there are times in life when you really think and feel at one with another person and yourself, i found it and messed it up, although time is a healer and people move on and forget. I know in my heart that you were my future. I apologise for all the pain i caused and the disappointment and betrayal you felt.

Forever in my heart

Matt