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How to let go

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  • #357019
    angel
    Participant

    I am having a hard time letting go of someone. This guy is from my second relationship. I met him where I was studying at his home town. He was a few years younger than me and he chased after me persistently. I rejected him harshly at first because I did not like the fact that he was younger than me. But he had the qualities I liked in a boyfriend and eventually we began a romantic relationship. I moved back to my hometown but we dated for 5 years. We decided to keep our relationship secrete mainly because I was afraid of being criticized by family/friends for dating a younger guy. It was hard to be long distance but we tried to see each other once or twice a year. We called each other everyday. Whenever I had a hard time, he was the person I called. He is raised by a single mom and is very close to his family. I always worried that his family will come between us but he always reassured me that he would pick me over them. Our relationship was not perfect but I thought we loved each other..we could not stay mad at each other and we always made up after fighting. We both were working toward our career goals and busy.  But as time goes by, I felt like I am the one who miss him more than he misses me. His phone calls become like a duty and he does not seem enthusiastic about planning for our annual meeting. I could not tell what was going on with him since we were long distances. Then I went through one of the darkest time my life. He supported me a lot. I temporarily moved to a closer city to him. He helped me with move in and we slept together for the first time which meant a big deal to me (we never crossed the line before because of my personal decision). I pictured a future family with him. I  wanted to see him more often since we lived closer but he could not come see me every week so we fought a lot. But He came once a month. Then I moved away again. Our relationship was peaceful for the next 3-4 months. Then I entered another difficulty period of my life. I worked long hour, I was tired and miserable. We talked less due to time difference. I wanted to talk him before bed but he took so long and I lost patience and went to sleep etc. And eventually I had a week off & I looked very forward to go visit him. I asked him if it would be okay. It took him a day to reply me. When he replied, he said he wanted to break up with me. There was not much explanation. I could not believe what was happening to me. I just said fine. I did not contact him for 2 weeks and finally I tried to reach out to him. By that time, he had blocked me from his phone and social medias. I fell into deep depression which affected my work and everything. Two months later, I went to a wedding in his hometown and accidentally saw him there . When he saw me, he avoided me and I didn’t feel like confronting him. He had unblocked me from his instagram so I sent him a message when I left town. He blocked me again and then unblocked me later. We did not contact each other for 1 year. I don’t know what he is up to but he is always the back on my mind. Especially when I struggle, I miss him a lot. The pandemic happened and I had a lot of delays in my life and I have time to think of him more. So I decided to sent him a short message again after 1 year of no contact. Then A few min later, he blocked me. I don’t know why he pushed me away this hard.  He followed his other ex on his social media but not me. I am questioning all the time we spent together during 5 years. I kept remembering his broken promises.  I felt used and abandoned. I don’t even know what I did wrong ? I don’t know how can I let go of someone who hates me so much.  Any tip of letting go of someone who did not give you closure?

    #357211
    anita
    Participant

    Dear angel:

    I just became aware of your thread; I will read it and reply when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #357215
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi angel,

    I don’t know how can I let go of someone who hates me so much. 

    Any tip of letting go of someone who did not give you closure?

    1. Please lookup about breaking/cutting energetic cords of attachments. Search for ‘archangel cord cutting’.

    2. Practice the simple technique of ho’oponopono all the time whenever thoughts about him come or whenever you are disturbed.

    Please do these two practical techniques and you will be back on track with your life.

    tc.

     

     

    #357239
    anita
    Participant

    Dear angel:

    I read your story and I hope you feel better soon.

    You wrote: “I rejected him harshly… made up after fighting… we fought a lot… he said he wanted to break up with me. That was not much explanation”- is it possible that the explanation is the rejection, and then the lots of fighting through much of this long distance relationship?

    anita

    #357252
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi angel,

    Long distance relationships are a lot of work. Age differences can be a lot of work. Long term relationships are a lot of work. I’d be surprised if you were still together, honestly. It’s not you. It’s the factors.

    I think what has you stuck is that you turned him down swiftly and definitively from the beginning. You were out of his league.

    And then he outgrew you! Five years could be like two decades to a young guy. The pressure of the long distance old lady waiting for her call! The temptation of all these younger local girls giving him the glad eye! The looming pressure of his friends getting married and he hasn’t lived the good life!

    The blocking and unblocking is his way of maintaining control. The other ex was either the one who got away or the one who never called him after they broke up. Or maybe you weren’t as close as you thought. Who knows? I know I’m being harsh, but let the hapless boy go! He had his chance.

    Best,

    Inky

    #357367
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi angel,

    I echo Inky’s sentiments here.

    I’ve been in a (somewhat) similar situation where I rejected someone I later fell for, and then he rejected me.

    Cue several months of me desperately trying to woo him back (a flip of our previous dynamic).

    It never really worked and in any case, we should want someone who really wants us, who we don’t have to chase like this.

    The way to let go is, I think, to simply make the decision and do it.

    It’s tough. I’m coming up on the one year “anniversary” of our getting together and he’s been on my mind. But, what I am romanticizing is the fantasy of him I built for myself, not the actual him. That kind of pressure to perform isn’t particularly fair to either of us.

    Honestly, this guy is likely not worth the heartbreak. It’s clear you were really chewed up about stuff and had you been able to talk it out sooner it could have provided some modicum of closure. But, in reality you will never get closure from the one that hurt you.

    Some people are meant to be in our lives for only a little while, to teach us some lessons if you like, and then to drift away. It’s true of course that when there’s more drama or emotion attached to the relationship it’s harder to let go. But you must.

    These are things I have to remind myself frequently. I think it’s probably a more pervasive feeling than we realize!

     

    LW

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