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How to let go someone who keeps you hanging?

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #319121

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hi All,

    I started going out with one of my close friend and it was casual and all good. But then my feelings began to grow for him. When i told him how i felt, he simply denied that he has no such feelings for me and couldn’t do anything. After that i began to move on in my life and moved to another country to continue my education. But he kept coming back in life for sometime and would just vanish. Then finally when i told him i had to move on and that it is effecting my mental health his to and fro moment, as i am living alone in another country and cannot manage any thing temporary and it is long distance so better call it off. But he insisted on staying and professd he loved me and that he will be with me and would come to visit me only to dump me after 15 days stating the reason that he had some fued at his place and that he wants some one near him as he is emotionally weak. And also said that it is best that when i come back to my country, then we think about it thus dangling me in mid air. I am so hurt and broken because when i was leaving and moving on peacefully, he stopped me and gave me all the promises of the world, only to dump me at the end. I am at very vulnerable state. My work is not that busy, so I have a lot of free time because of which it is very difficult to distract myself from the scenario. And becuase I work alone I don’t have any social life, no friends and my family lives in my home country which is half way across the world. It is so difficult to manage the thoughts and feelings. All i don’t undertand is if he had to leave, why he came in the first place? Just to dump me. I am not doing well. Please if anyone in this crowd can tell me what to do?

    #319141

    Satya
    Participant

    Hi Harshitha! I understand you have been very considerate and caring,but what you failed to understand is you are vulnerable to it. It’s time you realise you ought to make yourself precious and not easily accessible. Just distance away and keep moving ahead with the lessons learnt and figuring out your weaknesses if any for being cared and loved. You shift your focus on to Health and fitness both physical and emotional. Just LET GO of the past and dont get stuck, as most of the times it’s the other person or external factors beyond your control that shake you up. Be more strong and go for aerobics / instrumental / dance or even a gym it will make a lot of difference. Take no more chances with such unstable personalities. Good luck and cheer up, all these do happen to kind and good people…. ??

    #319151

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harshita:

    He told you that he is “emotionally weak” and then he made you weak and in a new country to you: “I am so hurt and broken… I am at very vulnerable state”.

    He weakened you by coming and going into and out of your life, saying he doesn’t love you then he does, then he doesn’t, making promises and then dumping you.

    It is too bad that he did this to you. Now that you are hurt and feel weak, it is very important to prevent him from returning into your life. You described him in the title of your thread as “someone who keeps you hanging”- don’t let him have this power of hanging you and keep you hanging there!

    For crying out loud, you are in a new country, you have a job, you are continuing your education- don’t hang there because of this man. Live your life, no reason to stop your life because of this person.

    I understand that you are alone and lonely. One thing you can do is post here anytime you want. I for one, will read and reply to you anytime you post. Second, all you need is one person where you now live, to talk to, to befriend. So that you are not completely alone, and better it be a woman at this point (it is too easy for a lonely woman to get into a romantic-like relationship  with the wrong man and too soon).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #319179

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Harshita,

    Tell him that you are taking a break for a while. This way when he contacts you and gets no response, he’ll know the deal. After a couple months, perhaps reply.

    A few tricks to having more power in the relationship: He always contacts you. Always keep your responses shorter than his. And always be the one to end the call. He who cares the least tends to win at these things.

    And then don’t see him for a year after that. By then he’ll be crazy about you and/or you will have moved on.  Nothing is as alluring as the girl who got away who has “met someone”.

    Best,

    Inky

    P.S. Meet someone

    #319311

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    Thank you very much for these amazing replies. I already feel better knowing there are good people out there helping me in this bad phase. Your reply’s have instantly made me feel good. I need to learn and accept the fact that life has to go on without him, now no matter how much i felt for him or how good a friend he was to me. I am using different self help books now and  i have started to maintain distance from him and have made him clear that i have to move on and i cannot just continue like this. Somewhere i feel he is still not satisfy and will definitely appraoch me when i am back in my country. I persued my education in business with an aim that one day i open my own clothing company, as i love fashion and genuinely want to do something in it. But I lost my vision because of him. But i am trying to get that back and bring myself back. Thank you everyone for your help and support.

    P.S. : Another advice? Do you think it will be possible for him and I to be friends again without all this?? I understand that all this what he did is terribly wrong but i don’t like being angry or keeping hatred for anyone. We are part of a common school friend groups and are about to come face to face again with each other on a common friend’s wedding and i don’t want to tense the environment because of problems between us. Can anyone suggest what i should do? What if he talks me into going out with him again?

    #319313

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harshita:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your words of appreciation.

    “I don’t like being angry or keeping hatred for anyone… What if he talks me into going out with him again?”-

    – no need for you to be angry and keep hatred for him, but better not go out with him again. You don’t have to feel anger and hate for someone so to not go out with them. It is enough if you think it is not a good idea to go out with this or that person. Be friendly to him within the context of “common school friend groups” but do not be his friend outside the groups, no alone time with him, is my recommendation.

    Some people are good friends but they charge a whole lot for  it, that is, they exact a high price. For example, this  man’s price for his friendship was your vision: “I lost my vision because of him”.

    I hope you regain your vision. But don’t be a friend or a girlfriend to him- he will take away more from you- your vision and your freedom. Every step you make, every move will be okay only if he says it is okay. Do you want to live this way, under the Rule of another person?

    Also, it is not a good idea to decide to distant yourself from him and then figure that he has to okay it that you create that distance (“I have started to maintain distance from him and have made him clear… Somewhere I feel he is still not satisfy”)-

    – it reads like you are planning on distancing yourself from him if he agrees that you do.

    anita

     

     

    #319319

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    Can you bring a date to the wedding? Or go out with someone where you are by the time of the wedding? That solves a host of problems: You aren’t alone, or you have a guy waiting for you back at your new home. Bonus! The allure factor!

    And remember: Let HIM approach YOU at the wedding! Be polite. Be demure. When he asks you out, just laugh and slap his arm affectionately. Then lilt off to talk to other old friends.

    Best,

    Inky

    #319349

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    Thank you again for your help and replies. But the question is still unanswered. How should I let him go? It is very difficult on my end. I have given it a lot of tries and have successfully failed in them. I tried everything but letting him go is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I have tried dating other guys but I just don’t feel the connection. I have tried to keep myself busy in different stuff. I tried to block him off, but then he would attempt to communicate me by different platform or number. He is not the first guy in my life but never have I ever faced such hardship in leaving a guy and moving on with my life, despite being on the other part of the world. Is it because I have known him for the past 10 years and that he really was a very good friend whom I lost because I started having feelings for him?  It feels worse because of all this stuff, I lost a really good friend to whom I could share anything and could get support for anything. But I need to leave him now because as a love interest he turned out to be a totally opposite personality of my best friend for whom I started having feelings genuinely and not this guy who hurted me really bad.

    #319355

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harshita:

    Understand what motivates you better and your questions will be answered. Is it that it draws you to him that he dis-okayed you and you crave to be okayed by him?

    A child who craves for a parent to okay her, to approve of her grows up to be a woman craving to be okayed/ to be approved of by an unapproving person.

    I don’t know but maybe. A man who lets you be who you are, who doesn’t interfere with your freedom to be and become who you want to be, that is not much of a challenge. But a man who was a friend then disapproved and removed himself- that triggers a passion to bring him back to you.

    Does it?

    anita

     

    #319361

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thank you for this response. But I will be genuinely honest with you. This is not the first time I have been dis-okayed by someone. Yes, maybe somewhere I am unable to handle this rejection and feel like I need to do something. But if it is a rejection, why is he coming back and giving me unnecessary hopes? As I said, I told him to move on and he came back and said that no let’s be together but then he dumped me after 15 days.

    I have tried to leave him and move on and within 10-15 days I do start feeling good as well. But it is his coming back again in my life which causes the turbulence and makes me vulnerable. I just need to understand how I need to make myself strong enough to face him and say that he is not allowed anymore in my life and that I don’t want him anymore or why I am unable to do this?

    A few years back, I was a very strong person. I used to understand the right and wrong or good and bad in my life and no person could ever control my life’s decision. When I genuinely used to feel somebody or something is not right for me, I used to walk away from it, to have a good life. But now I have become so vulnerable and weak, it bothers me that how in certain years so much in my nature changed just because of a single person.

    #319369

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Harshita:

    “This is not the first time I have been dis-okayed by someone… A few years  back, I was a very strong person…how in certain years so much in my nature changed just because of a single person”?

    – maybe what is different about this particular person is that he came back giving you hope– after he dis-okayed you, while  other people who rejected you did not come back, giving you that hope.

    Hope can the thing  that “keeps you hanging” (the title of your thread).

    Hope is not always a good thing. It is not a good thing to hope for this man’s okay, because his okay is a weapon he uses against people.

    anita

    #319445

    Harshita
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for these inspiring words. I am still not well but now i am feeling a little ray of hope that i will be soon.

    Thank you

    #319451

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    As i was reading connie’s topic of “We both are afraid” and came across the term “Avoidant”. Do you believe that this might be the case here as well? If yes, do you recommend that i should look into it and maybe help him out? or should i let him be as it is and move on in my life?

    #319455

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Sorry i am dropping so many replies, but things just keep coming up in my head. Although he is showing signs of “avoidant”, I don’t see if he is distressed or something. I live in UK. ecently he planned a tip to Europe and didn’t inform me neither thought of seeing me and later when i confronted him said that i understand that it was mistake but i didn’t wanted us to go in wrong direction. Everyone around me, including my mother said that it was genuinely worng on his end and he admits that too.

    Recently he said that he is emotionally weak and he is moving out of his house away from family. I saw that he gave a house party for one of the festival to all his friends in the house. He didn’t make any post but though his friends post I found out. He is pogressing well in his carrier and he is supremely focused on it. It is just in my case, that he is doing all this bad things.

    I don’t know what to think. He is still asking me to be his friend, no matter how much i abuse him. He wants that friend tag now.

    Please Help!!!!

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by  Harshita.
    #319477

    Harshita
    Participant

    Hello Inky,

    Thank you for your reply. If i tll him i need a break, he will eagerly agree with it as he himself is uggesting to take a break and come back and talk to him.

    Also, no taking a date to wedding would not be a good idea as we generally don’t do that in my country.

    I think it is best to keep him at distance and move on in my life and have faith in the universe that whatever will happen, it will be in my benefit. If we are meant to be, we will find a way back to each other.  But for now i will stay away from him and try to keep distance from him as much as possible. If he genuinely realizes and feels his feelings for me, he will attempt to be back otherwise, its best that it ends.

    I hope I am doing the right thing.

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