Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→how to make sense of some incidents
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October 17, 2017 at 11:25 am #173581
greenshadeParticipantHi guys! Hope you’re doing well!
Like always, I’ve been hanging around, reading but haven’t posted in a while.
Three things have happened within the span of the past 2 days in three different relationships that have hurt me deeply. First of all, I have been working on my relationship with my mom for a while (expressing my needs and emotions, standing up for myself, trying to be attentive and mindful while spending time with her) and things have been going well for the past few months with her being loving and supportive and not directing her anger towards me. However, yesterday she snapped over something small and said “if you cant live how I want you to you should just leave the house”.
The second thing was a friend and co worker who I trust and respect talking to me in a very a belittling way.
The third was realizing a friendship I had valued was really and truly over because of physical distance and a lack of effort on both of our parts, when the friend blocked me on facebook without explanation.
I don’t know how to process these things. All of them independently are causing quite a bit of hurt. All three of these are people are people I trusted to be respectful towards me, and if I don’t trust them it leaves maybe two people I trust, one of whom is my therapist! Hoping someone here can share perspective on this.
with gratitude,
m
October 17, 2017 at 12:36 pm #173593
AnonymousGuestDear greenshade:
You wrote: “All three of these are people are people I trusted to be respectful towards me”-
Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to evaluate, or re-evaluate who deserves your trust and who does not, what it takes for a person to earn your trust (or do you automatically trust people?)
Regarding your mother, you did your best in the last few months. I suppose you can trust that if you do your best for the next few months, she may snap at you again. Correct?
anita
October 18, 2017 at 2:45 am #173675greenshadeParticipantHi Anita! thanks for replying!
I do not automatically trust people anymore, I have done so on the past.
With my mum I did expect her to snap, because old habits die hard, but I had not expected her to say something this extreme (I do not think she has ever asked me to leave the house before).
The coworker I had chosen as a friend because she was interested in self growth and I had seen her change from someone who could be mocking and sarcastic into someone who was considerate of other peoples feelings.
The friend who blocked me I chose because he had made an effort to spend time with me when I didn’t really expect that from people.
There are two other people I currently trust: one as a friend who I can spend time with who is kind which is why I decided to spend time with her, but I do not enter deeper conversations with her because I know our religious views and moral values differ, and the second is my therapist.
Since I was quite selective and from around me these people appeared the most considerate as well as interested in me I chose them. However, if they let me down then I am thinking everyone will.
With gratitude,
m
October 18, 2017 at 4:39 am #173685
InkyParticipantHi greenshade,
I’m not an astrology person, but something must be in the stars to have three incidents in the same time span!!
Well, I think it’s The Universe doing you a favor:
1. Your mom reverted back to her old habits. When she saw you as a strong, independent woman she overdid it with the comment.
2. Your friend was always sarcastic to other people. When she saw you grow into a strong, independent person she belittled you.
3. The friend saw that you are actually a strong, independent person who doesn’t REALLY need him, so he blocked you on FB.
Maybe all three saw you as the “Beta”, the introvert, the easy person. They could take the lead and be dominant. Until they couldn’t. They’re just threatened of you!
There was an Energetic Shift. I had a similar Energetic Shift when two or three people became pissed at me at once! Don’t sweat it.
Best,
Inky
October 18, 2017 at 6:11 am #173693AnonymousGuestDear greenshade:
You are welcome, always good to read from you. Regarding your mother and the co worker, both have a history of being abusive to you (your mother) and being “mocking and sarcastic” (the co worker). History, without adequate healing and learning, repeats itself. So when you evaluate who to trust and who to not trust, do consider history. If there is healing on the part of the formerly abusive/ disrespectful person, allow time and experience to determine trustworthiness, a lot of time.
I am glad you trust your therapist, as there can be no healing in therapy without trust. There are people worthy of trust.
anita
October 19, 2017 at 12:26 pm #173905greenshadeParticipantInky that does make sense!! And I am glad to read this explanation because I had been worried I was giving of “please walk over me” vibes so to hear that it might be the opposite is a relief.
Hi Anita! Because my father was not open to feedback or change, I grew up really admiring people who COULD change. I think that is what drew me to the coworker who is working on her mocking and sarcastic behavior. So I have been considering history, but in a “this person was abusive in the past, let me be friends with them” way rather than “this person was abusive let me wait before I trust them” way. So now I have to work on considering history in the later way.
Best,
MOctober 20, 2017 at 6:31 am #173987AnonymousGuestDear greenshade:
Yes, wait and see the change, over time, before trusting it to be there in practice. People may have a true motivation to change an abusive behavior, express that motivation, reveal impressive insight into their behavior and act differently, but then, when they are tired and especially distressed, they … forget that insight, their motivation and go back to the old behavior. The old behaviors are easier to perform when tired and distressed than the new behaviors.
anita
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