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How to move on?

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  • #198755
    Maya55
    Participant

    Hey guys, I hope everyone is doing well 🙂 I was hoping someone will have some advice for me maybe.. my 3 year relationship just ended a month ago and although I know my life is not over because of this it’s hard to figure out how to move on.. A little story of how it was.. so we were together for 3 years. I left my country and family and moved away to be with him.. after a year he started acting weird saying he lost sexual interest in me because he can’t be with one woman. I tried to make it work and did a lot of things but he kept watching porn and was just giving me false hope that yes we can make it work but he never truly did anything. I kept getting denied over and over again.. He wanted to break up a few times and then we ended up talking about it and he promised again he will try to make it work but never did. I found out he was on different dating sites and of course didn’t say anything cause in my head that seems normal and that I should let it go. I lost my confidence completely, lost myself in this relationship and don’t really know where to start to pick myself up. On top of it all.. we still live together until May when he is moving back to the states. I don’t know if I want to stay where I am or move back to my country… There’s a lot of memories of us everywhere I go in both places so I’m a bit lost now.. I do struggle with GAD and a really mild depression. I was quite depressed a few years ago and am scared that this will push me to the limit and I will lose myself completely. I feel okay now since he is still here and it hasn’t really hit me that it’s over but I feel like once he leaves it’s gonna be horrible. So if anyone maybe has any advice on how to deal with this in a healthy way I would be more than grateful 🙂 Thank you.

    #198889
    Care
    Participant

    Hello, Maya!

    Being in a relationship is hard if you don’t really love the person with, he could have struck you as a perfect match but let me be the first to tell you that he’s a troubled man and will only take you down with him.
    It’s important for me that you understand that separation is vital for your mental health now, even though i don’t know you I can tell that you’re a patient and determined woman but please know what you’re worth and stop feeling like he’s the only one for you.

    Yes, you will probably feel sad and vulnerable once he is gone but let’s see him as a bullet that need to be removed from your skin, it will hurt and it will leave a scar but it’s all about preventing infection.
    About you not knowing where to go, I suggest you try something new and adventurous. Go on a vacation, pick a random country or state and just start from scratch.

    He might try to look for you when he satisfies his sexual urges but don’t take him back, you’re unique and worthy of someone who loves you and fights for you as much as you have so don’t settle for less.

     

    #198915
    Maya55
    Participant

    Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it. It will be a long process and I”m aware that damage has been done on my mental health considering I do have anxiety attacks quite often now but I also know that this pain won”t last forever even though right now it might seem like it but I tend to comfort myself with knowing that I”m not the first and the last person to go through a break up. It”s just the feeling of not being good enough that kills me… As he was pushing further away I did more and more to prove my worth.. flew his mom to Europe cause he hasn”t seen her in 2 years, his auntie and cousins.. So I kinda feel like if someone doesn”t appreciate me doing so many things… what”s the point of even trying another relationship?  but I do have to work on myself and focus on myself. I”m 26 and sometimes I have thoughts of “what if I end up alone” or “what if no one will find me attractive anymore” .. I go back and forward with my thoughts so yes.. I have a long way to go. But… I got this 🙂

    #198965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    I like your attitude, keeping a positive attitude and being sensible about your situation, not entertaining wishful thinking and expecting difficulties to come.

    In this relationship you were mistreated. So it damaged you further. Focus best you can on exiting this relationship, this situation with minimal further damage. Treat yourself with gentleness.

    One day you will have the opportunity to be a part of a healthy, loving relationship and that future relationship will make mending some of this damage possible.

    We can’t help but be hurt when mistreated. Being mistreated, really is not evidence that you are worthy of mistreatment. It is evidence that mistreatment is an unfortunate and common reality we all live in.

    I hope you post again, anytime.

    anita

    #199269
    Shannon
    Participant

    Wow, as I read your post I immediately looked to see the day if was posted making sure it’s not from like 2011 lol

     

    The exact same thing happened to me recently, like eerily so. My fiance and I broke up last April.

     

    We lived in ATL and dated for about 3 years when the corporate company announced the office was moving up to Cincinnati, Ohio.

    I had family in Chicago but we didn’t know a soul in Ohio. We came look at houses in December 2015 and we we’re living in Cincinnati a month later. In between this time we had found a small old house in the same town as his office (which I also started working for when we moved up)

    Our friends and family threw us a goodbye party which is when he proposed. We had gone threw the same issue with porn early on in our relationship and it destroyed the very little self esteem and self confidence I had, something that I still battle today.

    We hadn’t planned anything in terms of a wedding, we made excuses like just getting used to uprooting our lives, money, etc. But in the end I ended up getting in trouble April 2017, which is when we broke up.

     

    The first 2 weeks I was literally in mourning, just over the relationship, even though I knew it was the right decision for both of us.

    After that, it got better and our lease was up in June and we moved to separate apartments, 3 blocks away from each other in Cincinnati.

    We still worked at the same  company which I knew was the start of a career for me which was the first thing that went well for me besides him. Ultimately, I got laid off in October 2017.

    I just recently started a new job and I can tell you I know exactly how you feel and can relate on every level!

    Oh, and I’m 26 lol

    If you ever want to talk, I’m always always here!

    You got this girl, stay strong!

    #207731
    Maya55
    Participant

    Hey,

    thank you for your feedback guys…I appreciate it. So he left on monday, he went back tothe states and to be honest…I don”t know if it”s normal the way I”m feeling.. I was really sad at the airport when I said goodbye and I was crying but after that I just went kinda numb and have been feeling like that ever since.I’m a bit nervous that it’s all going to hit me sooner or later and I won’t know how to cope with it. Granted we lived together for 4 months after we broke up so maybe I was mentally preparing myself for him to leave. I still love him and the thought of him forgetting about me and being with someone else scares me but I’m just.. numb. I can’t cry.I miss him and I think about him all the time but I still can’t cry.Is this a normal phase or am I just…weird and going crazy?

     

     

    #207899
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    You don’t read to me “weird and going crazy”. Feeling numb is not weird or crazy, it can simply be a break that the brain takes, a break from strong emotions. Don’t be alarmed by feeling numb, as in thinking: am I weird or going crazy?

    Humans and other animals go numb when in distress. In nature it is called the Freeze response to perceived danger (Flight, Fight and Freeze, the three responses). The perceived danger is the emotional pain that you expect.

    But that emotional pain that you fear, you already experienced it and survived it. It only feels dangerous, it is not really dangerous, isn’t it?

    anita

    #208019
    Maya55
    Participant

    I did break down yesterday and it”s just the feeling of not being good enough that kills me..I understand relationships end and it”s completely normal but man… these feelings are the worst. And then I also had a woman message me saying he broke up with me because I”m ugly so that just made me feel more like I”m not good enough. He wouldn”t get bored of me if maybe I was different.. I don”t know I”m just rambling at this point. I guess I”m just scared he will find someone better one day that he will commit too. Just that feeling because I did a lot for him and knowing that someone might come along and he”ll fall madly in love and won”t get bored of her… I guess these feelings and thoughts need to be here now until I get over him…Sorry for rambling. It”s just easier to type than talk to someone in person right now

    #208025
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    “it’s just the feeling of not being good enough that kills me”- it is a shame that the legacy of this relationship, what it leaves behind, in your mind and life, is more of the not-good-enough feeling. It is a good thing that this relationship has ended, then, because you definitely don’t need yet more of that feeling.

    What woman messaged you that he broke up with you because you are ugly, why such a cruel message to you?

    anita

     

     

    #208035
    Maya55
    Participant

    It was from a fake account. I guess someone that wanted my ex for awhile.. I wasn”t so much affected by her comment.. it was just too much of everything at once.. I know this will take time to go away and I”ve realised I definitely need to build my confidence because in this relationship I lost it completely. I tend to give more and more just to prove my worth but as much as I realise how bad that is for me, I don”t know how to change that. So this relationship has definitely been too much when it comes to my confidence but I can”t stop myself from missing him.

    #208045
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    This feeling of not being good enough, and needing to prove your worth probably existed in you before this relationship, probably while you were a child. Correct?

    anita

    #208047
    Maya55
    Participant

    You are very correct. It definitely existed but with this relationship it kinda got worse so it’s definitely something I need to work on. Probably comes from the fact that my father was an alcoholic and I was always in between him and my mom while they were arguing. If I think about it my ex is like my father. Emotionally detached so no wonder I fell for him.

    #208051
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    You wrote that your father and your mother argued and you were in between. It reads to me that you are holding your father responsible for those arguments, not your mother. Is it so?

    anita

    #208053
    Maya55
    Participant

    Yes. 90% of it is his fault. If he wouldn’t be abusive towards my mother and pretty much say to my face that it would be better if I wasn’t born..those arguments wouldn’t happen and we would be a happy family. Granted my mom could’ve left him and things would be better but she stayed no matter what he did.Kinda like what I did with my ex. I stayed no matter what he did or said.

    #208061
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya55:

    A terrible thing for him to have said to you.

    The arguing, I wish they didn’t argue in your presence. I suppose your mother was angry at him, a whole lot but stayed anyway, “no matter what he did or said.”

    So your mother and father are still together?

    I wonder how she is dealing with her anger at him as she stays, and how you are dealing with your anger at him, knowing they are together and spending time with them, I suppose?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)

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