Dear Lost1Flow,

I understand the difficult situation you found yourself in after your brother’s tragic death. Both you and your mother were devastated, and the mourning probably made you even closer. You said she became very clingy, and you became her only support. How old were you when the accident happened, if I may ask?

What is interesting is that your mother didn’t turn to your father for support in those difficult times, but she relied on you. This tells me that your father probably wasn’t too emotionally available. Is he the type of person who doesn’t express emotions, and couldn’t really talk about emotions after your brother’s death?

If he was/is an emotionally unavailable man, then what probably happened is that your mother found an emotional partner in you. She could share with you what she couldn’t share with him. And she got dependent on you and needy, like a child.

Maybe that neediness was present in her even before your brother’s death, but it was less obvious, because she was somehow coping. But your brother’s death triggered it, and she regressed, so to speak, into a helpless, child-like state. I am only guessing this – please correct me if I am wrong.

And she hasn’t recovered from that neediness, even if years have passed since your brother’s death. She became totally dependent on you. In the past you’ve encouraged her to reach out to people and make new friends, but she refused. She kept clinging to you.

I imagine things became even more difficult when your granny got sick, as well as your father, and she became their care-taker. Then there was no way she would let you leave her side…. and so over time, this clinginess and codependency turned into a beast, as you’ve called it.

In fact, she is clingy, and you are codependent. Because you’re taking care of a person who doesn’t want to take care of her own needs, and expects you to take care of her emotionally. You feel responsible for her well-being, while she refuses to take responsibility for it.

Even though she is telling you she wants you to have a life of your own, she doesn’t really mean it, because in her mind, it would mean like being abandoned and helpless and alone. I think this is the message she is sending you, either directly or indirectly: that if you leave, it will ruin her. And of course, it makes you feel tremendously guilty, because you don’t want to cause harm to your mother. You feel trapped, because you really believe that she won’t make it without you.

Would you say this is true?

Dear Lost1Flow:

I am glad that I asked my question 13 hours ago,  because in your answer, you provided very important, new information. Before I asked the question, I thought of your mother as a quiet, passive, weak woman who needs your help (and I thought that maybe, just maybe, she was not be aware that you feel badly about her neediness). I thought that maybe if she became aware that you need her to be stronger, she will rise to the occasion and be stronger- for your sake.

Following your answer, I see that your mother has been strong all along when she needs to overpower you. Years ago, you tried to assert yourself, to have a bit of power in the relationship with her, and she squashed your bit of power with horrible words and a wicked fight. She squashed your power so successfully, that you “never brought it up again“.

You started your original post with “I put myself in a horrible position“- I think that it is not you, but your mother, who has placed you in the position. When you tried to get yourself out of this position (that one time years ago), she blocked your effort offensively (not defensively) when she called you “all horrible things“, etc.

From my experience with my mother, I can tell you that what helped me a lot to move on from the oppressive Guilt I felt in regard to her, was when I realized that… she didn’t really love me, that she didn’t really care about me. It was a shocking realization that took a lot of time to settle… because my mother physically worked very hard as the sole provider, bought me the best of clothes, toys and such and told me how much she sacrificed for me, how hard she worked for me, etc.

I was amazed at the thought that she doesn’t love me, but it is true: there is a difference between needing someone for a particular purpose and loving that someone. Think of this, if you will: if your mother loved you, if she cared about you, she would have taken the opportunity years ago, when you brought up the dysfunction in the relationship with her (meaning that she became aware at that time, if not earlier, that you were suffering in the context of your relationship with her)- she would have taken that opportunity to try to  FIX the relationship, so that you, Lost1Flow will feel better… and perhaps not be in the chronic pain you’ve been in, wouldn’t she?

anita

Dear Lost1Flow:

You are welcome. There is freedom in realizing what is true, even if it is a painful realization. The pain- when you don’t realize a major truth- keeps going and going, but the pain when you do realize a major truth… goes away, it gets resolved.

“So many therapist also say, ‘we cannot blame our parents for everything’ and I’ve taken that probably too literally. Sometimes we can. and should, to move on and forward“- the reason parents are to blame for so much when it comes to their children’s suffering is that parents are very powerful in their children’s lives: a young child is like a blank page and whatever the parent says and does gets written on that page in ink. The point in pointing to parents as the source of our suffering- when it is true that they are- is to no longer suffer, and like you wrote, to move on and forward!

anita

Dear Lost1Flow,

you are very welcome! And thank you for your good wishes!

I am glad this conversation helped you and gave you some ideas on how to proceed. Wishing you success in introducing the changes, slowly but surely.

Please write if you need help, and do let us know how you’re doing. I am rooting for you!