Hi Karina,

The two women who told you about the separation had no right to share that sensitive information with you. They put you in a situation you shouldn’t have been in. So that was their first mistake, and their second was not being clear with you about how “top secret” the info was.

Your mistake was assuming it was okay to tell others, but in your defense you thought it was already public information. You mentioned that while telling the others, your conversation wasn’t mean-spirited but more “concerned”. A big lesson to learn here is that when you are genuinely concerned about a friend, go directly to that friend without involving anyone else.

Friends make mistakes and forgive each other. That’s what they do. When they don’t, the friendship ends. You have recognized your mistake and apologized to her. What more can you do? Nothing, so stop beating yourself up. She’s making too much of this.

B

Dear Karina:

What a lot of people do is redirect their anger from person B to a person C. It may be that this former friend is angry at her husband but is suppressing her anger toward him and interact with him for the sake of her children, endure his presence for their sake or for financial reasons.

Next, her suppressed anger doesn’t stay down and she finds a convenient target for her anger, you in this case. So she avoids your company, enjoys your hurt feelings as she continue to make it known that she is angry at you and that you did her wrong… and she gets the relief that she needs so to be able to .. endure the company of the person she is very angry at.

It is a common dynamic. What do you think?

anita

Hi Karina,

Yeah, I agree with both of you, this lady is probably redirecting her anger at you.

So how to move on….this is what I’d do: Look at this as a huge learning experience that will save you countless headaches in the future. No more talking about any person behind his/her back period. And don’t talk about this situation anymore. When you’re with friends and someone brings it up, say you don’t want to talk about it and then change the subject. Even when you’re having a weak moment and you feel the need to express your side of the story to a friend, go for a walk to clear your head, or talk to your husband instead. If you keep talking about it with others you’ll be keeping it alive. Just let it die.

When nothing’s happening, when there’s nothing to talk about, people move on to the next drama-filled scenario, and once a situation is in the past they often look back and regret the ways they behaved in it. These women are being too hard on you and I think they’ll eventually regret how they’re treating you. In the mean time, forgive yourself and hold your head up high! You’ve done nothing that you don’t deserve to be forgiven for! Research ways to sit with uncomfortable and unresolved feelings, like mindfulness and meditation. This is a great opportunity to improve yourself, to become emotionally stronger. Also, plan activities that you like to do that don’t involve the women in this circle. Take up a new hobby and look to make new friends. And be polite and friendly, even to the women in this circle.

B

Dear Karina:

You are welcome.

“she’s essentially flushed our 3 year friendship down the toilet”- we do invest time and effort in people and often see little to no return on our investment, sometimes we see negative returns. All we can do is learn, evaluate people better, learn what a particular person values as important, what motivates the person and figure out how to proceed, invest or not.

People are easy to negatively criticize others for things they themselves are guilty of. A person who gossips for example will criticize another for gossiping. Therefore, when a person criticizes you, instead of assuming sole guilt, if there is guilt at all, think: is the criticizer free of guilt, of the same wrongdoing she is accusing me of doing?

anita