Dear Dee:

Correcting typos from yesterday: “you adapted to their dishonest relationship by adopting the most positive attitude possible, one that made it possible to overlook their dishonesty best you could and love them anyway. Fast forward- you adapt to your boyfriend’s dishonesty by adopting the most positive attitude possible,  overlooking K’s dishonesty best you can,  and loving him anyway”.

Welcome back, Dee, I didn’t read most of your past posts on record last evening, but I will this morning. In this post I will quote from what you posted each month. I thought that it may be helpful for you to read it all in one post. In my third post on this thread, I will address the quotes.

July 2020, you shared advising another member: “I was a virgin, never kissed or interacted with any guys really until I was 20. I was also very happy and content being single however you may find positive male attention can be fun, and of course these things are bound to happen at some point! With this being said I want to tell you something that I personally think is helpful and will hopefully make you feel more relaxed: awkward moments are essential, and you don’t have to feel awkward about them. Just go with the flow, communicate well, and don’t stress yourself out about it. I think the fact that you’ve already been able to turn down/ choose not to entertain the ‘weird’ or ‘creepy’ ones is great, you have your standards!”, and to another member, you wrote: “I’m 22 and have been on tinder on and off since I was 16, and just recently deleted it again due to a new relationship lol. If you have any questions in regards to dating/ talking to guys I am here, and have tested the waters enough by now to be able to share some experiences and knowledge”.

September 2020: “I’m 22 f dating 25 m… I’m in a relationship that I’m not sure is sustainable, and I feel like I’m too deep into it to end things. I have a really hard time communicating and saying the things I want to say. I have a hard time setting boundaries with people… Previous to dating my current boyfriend, I was constantly bubbly, had no bad days, always a smile on face, I felt great all the time. I still feel pretty positive and don’t necessarily feel like any day is bad but I know I would feel more at ease if I was single. I have a major fear of commitment. I am incredibly independent… My ideal future does not include marriage or kids… My heart is so heavy because I have the purest intentions all the time and don’t ever want to hurt anyone… I’m a generous girl with so much love to offer.. just not in a romantic way. How can I be so generous and so selfish all at one?.. This man enjoys me so much. He thinks so highly of me and trusts me.. I’m not very attracted to him, but if he TRIED to have sex more then I would, and that would definitely make me happier. But we are not sexually compatible and it’s an issue I’ve never faced before. He sweats a lot and sleeps loud. He doesn’t have a car… We get along really well , haven’t had a single argument. It’s easy to be around him. Despite that, I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings without feeling like the devil..  he really believes we are going to be together forever…  Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe? Could I write him a letter? Start being awful and undesirable? All the possibilities have crossed my mind. I am not someone who has serious conversations well…  I just want out.  As much as I don’t want to be the bad guy I want to get it over with so I can start living my best life again. I cannot fathom the idea of actually confronting him. Even in my one and only previous relationship I waited until I completely broke and had just sent him a message ending it…  I’m an open book..  I will definitely share a bit of my past. I’ve felt the way I feel about relationships now and have for a very long time, since I was a child, because of my parents. I absolutely love them both and have a good relationship with them personally but their relationship was not what I would ever want for myself and I felt for basically the entirety of my life that no relationship or marriage I saw was ideal. So I’ve seen it best to stay single since I was younger. My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was always out with friends throughout the week and weekend. He would come home late, after we’d all be asleep. My dad has now been with his current partner on and off for 12 years, well really it’s been longer than that. I find out more things as the years pass but even just this year I found out my father had been seeing his girlfriend since 2003! I was 5. My parents didn’t separate until I was 10. My mind was blown when I found that out because honestly he was probably being sneaky from the start of their marriage. Yeah so I don’t trust easily and have major commitment issues. I resent my father because I just don’t know why he would do that considering my mother is an amazing woman. However, after asking my dad for a divorce she started cheating on him before they actually did part ways. Their divorce was a mess and definitely impacted me. But still, I love them both endlessly and wouldn’t trade them for the world…. I do believe the core of who I am is my endless love and caring, for my parents, and that because I love them so much I don’t want them to see me unhappy or have them worrying about me. I always felt they had so many other things to worry about, like finances and my brother who is older than me but throughout our childhood he definitely was a bigger handful. In fact I would like to think I was just about the easiest kid ever to have, I don’t know I just really have never liked to people to have to worry about me too much… I recognize that healthy relationships do exist and it is very possible, I just am not sure I can see myself ever being into it. I do have my own bad days for no reason at all sometimes, I just don’t care to think of it as a bad day because I have trained myself to have this ridiculously positive outlook on life, I know my circumstances are never that bad and I have a lot to be grateful for, I could have a ~romantic~ relationship, I just need it to be completely on my own terms and I don’t want to have to ask anyone to change for me, or adjust to my many little quirks. I am complicated and selfish and I know it, for that reason I would way rather be single. It’s also for that reason I believe I’m pretty generous, I just really don’t want my preferences to inconvenience anyone else. I thought my current relationship was going to work out for me and be on my terms, but the further in I get the less positive I feel about it. So when I say I am an open book, I  do feel this is kind of true still. I am very willing to share my feelings, thoughts, and experiences of all kinds with anyone, it’s just easier to do so if someone asks me things? I have a really hard time with communication as a whole, speech isn’t something I’m very good at. It’s a work in progress but my lack of confidence in the past was the problem for sure. I know because of the way I act as if nothing is wrong for me, that my boyfriend thinks there really isn’t anything/ we’ll be together forever, however I don’t know how to act as if anything IS wrong because the problem is completely mine! In the beginning just a couple of months ago I only had good feelings about this whole thing. I stopped feeling like myself and I only came to the conclusion that I want to be single again. I lived a fabulous single life full of positivity and self growth, and I realize now I just wasn’t done there yet.  I do want this to be a learning experience for both of us but I’m not sure he will see it that way. We were distant friends and ex coworkers for about four years before dating, I would be hurt if he ended up really hating me for deciding that this isn’t for me. I am more so actually in fear of the immediate response he will have, and just dealing with that. I am terrified of the confrontation, I so badly wish he could see it and come to me asking if I really want a future with him. I would love to write a letter to him.. maybe with the intent of actually giving to to him?”

November 2020: “A little over 2 months ago I wrote in here about wanting to break up with my boyfriend or at least change some aspects about it, but was struggling with how to go about doing so. Since then I did end the relationship due to him confronting me first about how I’m feeling, because he was in fact catching onto my vibes of being unhappy and not really being into it. I told him having a committed relationship isn’t for me, I don’t care to have someone to sleep with, spend a whole lot of time with, or really have to communicate with on a regular basis like that because I like being able to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else’s feelings or owe anything to them. I did tell him I remain having feelings for him but I am only interested in a way more casual relationship with no titles. So some days go by of us not really talking and he asks me some clarifying questions about having a ‘casual’ relationship. I told him it’s not about being able to see other people because that was his only big concern… I told him I’m comfortable with, this basically translated to I am going to do pretty much whatever I want but still give him attention (when I feel like it mostly) and not give any other men attention, until he decides that this is not enough for him because I know it isn’t. I spend more time with him and give him more attention than I had originally planned when we made this agreement so it has been semi-successful. I want to feel bad for essentially stringing him along and wasting his time because this isn’t going to work out but I don’t, I just can’t. Not when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with having the titles for that reason alone. So by this time we have been in this relationship on my terms for 2 months and I’m not consistent with talking to him when I’m able to, or seeing him when I’m able to. I can tell my inconsistency and disinterest in spending time together upsets him, I can tell when he’s sort of unhappy. In a way I don’t care how he feels anymore, I want him to end this because he is the one who wanted it so bad, and agreed to being on my terms. After we re-established the relationship I honestly wasn’t too upset just felt kinda ashamed and embarrassed because I already told all my friends and coworkers I was single again and they knew how exciting that was for me. But each day that went by and continues to go by I can’t help but feel regret, guilt, and frustration, but only a little.. I don’t like to dwell on negative feelings so I just feel nothing. I have come to have no more feelings for him because I feel like he just wants me as a prize considering I am a tad bit out of his league. He has started offering to buy me more things and give me money just because. He knows money is really important to me and I think he has been trying to use that to his advantage. But it’s almost more of a turn off because I’d rather be with someone who wants to save their money more to better their future. I love receiving money don’t get me wrong but I don’t want it from someone who is struggling more than me and has things more important to put their funds towards currently? There’s too much I have to say about this situation I just don’t know. I’m ready to end it once again and don’t want to wait for him to confront me first. I just have no idea how to do it. I was built with poor communication skills and anxiety. I want to do the right thing and end this for good so badly… I think I am going to go the route of gradually bringing it up in a conversation about how I feel like I just don’t appreciate him enough and don’t think I ever will so this must come to an end. I’ve come up with so many different ways to go about this Anita, I just struggle so badly taking the initial confrontational step. I have wanted to seek therapy for the last year or two but am not sure how to work it all out”.

December 2020: “I did finally end up breaking up with my boyfriend in a kind, respectful, short and sweet message. The heavy weight has lifted from my chest and I feel much better. I could have gone about it a little bit better still because I had unintentionally made a  decision to not talk to him for about 2 days prior to that message. I feel as though I truly hurt and damaged his heart. I don’t feel as bad as I think I should about it though to be honest. I feel really good now, like I grew an awful lot just from that situation. I know I am needing some quality therapy to overcome the issues of confrontation I face and learn how to improve my overall communication and interpersonal relationships, I will be working on that here in the near future. Ending things for good opened my eyes quite a bit. I don’t think I am totally meant to be single, I realize I do enjoy having a partner, but I will need to set boundaries, improve my communication and really be head over heels for whatever boy I decide to take a chance on. I appreciate you so much Anita, your advice and support was much needed for me. Hope you’re doing well and if I come back to you with more relationship troubles in the future please don’t be mad”.

January 2021: “So far in 2021 I am not doing my best, but I am staying mostly positive. About a week ago I was met with some very intense abdominal pain that I suspected MIGHT be gallbladder pains. I went through my next few days being a trooper and getting through my days until I was able to go seek help on my next day off from work. I went to an urgent care explaining my symptoms at the time, but I was told that my only true option for what I am experiencing would require a trip to the emergency room which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. So I head over to the E.R. and after a somewhat short wait, I am taken to a bed, they take my vitals, get another recap on what’s going on, they get a urine sample, take some blood, eventually have an ultrasound, and CT scan. They had given me some morphine for the pain so I wasn’t totally miserable for the entirety of my time there. Anyways, in conclusion after all the hours I spent in that room they came up with nothing. All they had to tell me was that I am quite anemic, which I have of course already known for years… So here I am a week later and still hurting, I am waiting to set something up with a primary doctor, which I don’t have yet. I have spent the last week compiling a chart/list of ALL symptom I have been having for the past several years it has been since I’ve really seen a doctor in the case of other than an emergency… To be truthful I really think most of what I experience all comes back to my reproductive system or something, along with an autoimmune disorder maybe? I really have no idea as I’m no doctor but I know something is wrong with my body, this is not proper functionality!… I am not the best advocate for myself and with covid happening I can’t bring anyone to my doctors visits, it worries me that I am not going to be heard enough. At 22, I already have about $7,000.00 in medical debt and can’t stand the thought of it getting any worse but I am tired of living in a dysfunctional body”. You advised another member: “I am sure you are more than just ‘cute’ or ‘ok’, and if that’s all your boyfriend thinks still after 2 years then you ought to kick him to the curb. That’s great that he honestly told you about his attraction towards you, or lack thereof, but it’s true that you deserve to be made out to feel like you’re a beautiful , desirable person by whoever you are in a relationship with… I can only imagine being in your shoes, feeling anything less than gorgeous in the eyes of my partner. I suggest that you do not settle for a relationship with someone who might feel like they’re setting with you. Do not further risk being with someone who could be unfaithful to you. Sounds like you are a really good person and you honestly deserve the best. Hope you take it into heavy consideration!”

June 2021: “I have a couple of previous posts where I wrote about relationship problems I was having within myself, totally one sided. I did not wish to be in a relationship with that person, was not very attracted to them, etc. I am in a different predicament now, I have been dating someone for the past 6 months, despite having not wanted another relationship after the last one. It happened unexpectedly… Let’s call him K.  I have almost the most ideal relationship I could have at this point in my life, with K. We are happily with each other, I love him very much and I know he honestly and truly love me very much as well. While I know K does have attraction to me I feel that he is with me more so because I am a good person, I treat him well, I am just not like many other women. It’s not really hard for me to say these things because I know it’s true, but just a little odd to actually say to people. I am a rare gem. K, over the course of our relationship has made several miscellaneous comments that lead me to believe that he isn’t THAT into me. It has also been a known fact that he has been shady or unfaithful to some degree. We did have some type of confrontation about 4 months ago when I first suspected something may be off. That’s really early into our relationship, but at this point I already felt too invested and we do have an awfully good connection. I had essentially caught him red handed asking other girls out on dates or just flirting of some sort. This is bad new isn’t it? It is. So when I had to confront him I thought that might be it, oh well. Honestly my feelings don’t get hurt easily, I just appreciate honesty. So I had made it really clear what my boundaries are, and made it more clear that I had no interest in being cheated on/ being with someone who is going to break my trust instead of just telling me how you really feel, while I’m the easiest going person who will never get mad despite anything you might do or say to me. We moved on from that situation as K had basically cried to me about how much he loves and values me, I decided to trust him and not bring it up at any other point. So all was well I didn’t notice anymore shadiness from K until about 4-6 weeks ago maybe… Easiest man to figure out password wise lol. Not super proud to admit I can be a major sleuth… Within the past couple of weeks I have found that he has at least two other memberships to similar sites… So it does actually hurt a little bit for a second to know that he is willing to spend money and be sneaky rather than just communicate to me the type of relationship he wants with me. I would be awesome with just being friends. I would be great with being FWB (I’m sure that’s not what he is after with me). I would be cool with an open relationship too. I’m not okay with the dishonesty, and don’t know if I really should be non confrontational any further. He definitely notices when I’m not feeling like myself and he will say something about it, as he has in the past. He is so good at reassuring me and telling me I have nothing to worry about… After the first occurrence when I found out K was flirting and asking girls on dates and confronted him, I decided to make a false social media account as a female, where I reached out to K just to see if he would do anything… I had received a message from him on this other account out of the blue… Lo and behold, he asked this character out on a date. On this social media account he has it known that he is in a relationship, so I asked him as this other person ‘is your girlfriend gonna be okay with that?’ to which he replied ‘I don’t have a girlfriend anymore’. Y’all, let me tell you how heated that got me. I had also literally just walked into his room when he sent that. It’s one thing to be sneaky and cheat or whatever but at least be honest with strangers about it if they more than likely already know. That was a time I definitely thought about saying something. On a different unethical note, the thing that makes me feel slightly better about how K obviously doesn’t really want me, and I’m not looking for judgement, but a pinch of payback, revenge, pettiness, whatever you’d like to call it, definitely does the job for me. I know I shouldn’t contribute to the unfaithfulness and dishonesty but it does feel really good to flirt/receive attention from other men that I would otherwise be interested in. Hear me out though, I didn’t go looking for these men they already existed in my life.. Nothing physical, I have spent time with these men as friends in secret but nothing else.. it’s just mutual know attraction and I am 100% honest with them about the state of my relationship. I truthfully feel bad but it definitely softens the blow of being unwanted by the person I really, really want. I’m not desperate for K or anything I just appreciate the energy we share and how good our relationship has been on a day to day basis apart from the really big bad things. I wish he could read my mind so he could know how much of his sneaky activities I am actually aware of.  I wish I could read his mind so I could know what he truly wants to keep me around for. I have never shared a connection like the one we have and I know he feels the same way. Another fun fact that was a bad call on both of our ends: during our vacation in Texas, we got seduced by a couple of swingers. We exchanged sexual partners, what a time. I’m very sexually open and explorative, and we were in it together so this isn’t something I’m upset about at all it only gives me mixed feelings due to the fact that the other woman involved in this event was someone K would typically be very attracted to, but he didn’t receive the pleasure either of us expected he would since he didn’t end up getting erect. Big shocker there, he told me it just wouldn’t happen because it just didn’t feel right doing it with anyone but me. Tell me how this makes sense since I know he has had many intentions of sleeping with other people. Ugh, the false reassurance. Or is it? I really don’t know, based off all the things I’ve found out, I would say it’s all fake reassurance and he just wants to keep me around because I am a quality person. The only light in his life currently he might say. I can conclude that he loves me dearly based off of his day to day actions and our daily connection, we have never ending good times.. If you have any advice for me I will definitely read and consider. Any feedback at all would be appreciated. I just want to at least know someone knows my truth so I don’t have to take it all to the grave if I never get the chance to say anything.”

Dear Dee:

You are very welcome. I will be able to read all of your recent post and submit the post I am preparing for you later than I thought (been busy out and about), probably tomorrow morning, my time (which is your time since we are both from the PNW!)

anita

Dear Dee:

I will wait then until you share about what you brought up in your recent post. Good night, Dee!

anita