Hi Lorn

Hang tight! I know the perfect person to ask for advice about this. They’ve overcome their issues with desires. I’m sure they’ll be able to give some feedback tomorrow.

It sounds like the habit is pretty engrained and deeply associated with sleep. It would probably take a lot of time and effort to adapt to a new bedtime routine. Please be patient with yourself.

I would suggest reading some information about sleep hygiene and developing a routine that suits you.

Anxiety was a problem for me at bedtime. Over the years I’ve used different techniques.

Meditation might be better used at night once you’re more confident in your practice. It might be an idea to meditate during the day while developing the skill.

Non-repetitive music and melatonin (careful not to overdo this one though) helped me during periods of insomnia. Eventually, I developed an anxiety reducing routine. Lighting a scented candle, music on, grab a soft toy to cuddle. But anything that helps you relax and / or reduces anxiety could be helpful in a sleep hygiene routine. Nowadays, I do progressive muscle relaxation, a gratitude journal and meditation. For difficult nights, I find audiobooks helpful.

Hi Lorm

Thoughts are a happening. The more you try or will yourself not to engage some thought the longer it lingers. Frustrating as from the point of view of the mind trying our not trying to engage with a though is the same thing. In both cases your holding on to it and blocking flow.

As Helcat mentioned Meditation techniques could help. “Oh here is that fantasy again”, engage or don’t engage, whatever you choose do so without judgment as it the judgment that clings to such things and prevents flow.

You might notice that when you don’t apply judgments to having the fantasy you might go a step further and examine the judgments your making about the fantasies your having, the desire for relationship. In the fantasy what are you labeling as good, bad, if only, shoulds…  At that point you might make such judgements conscious and being conscious allow them to inform you vice block you.

A fantasy becomes unskillful when it becomes a trick used to hide away from life rather then engaging with life. In a fantasy world one appears to a have more control so it may ‘feel’ safer, and being safer can become a pleasant trap.  My owe experience with getting stuck in fantasy has been linked to a desire of the ego for control (both illusions). Something one can address in meditation.

Dear lorn:

On my walk, I remembered what came to my mind when I first read your original post: it was a very short question and answer that I heard or read a long time ago, it went something like this: a man is imprisoned in a jail cell. How does he get out? 

Answer: he stops wanting out.

The man can be free if he stops desiring to be free. Back to you: how can you be free from the desire to have a relationship?

My suggested answer, perhaps: desire freedom more than you desire a relationship. Freedom is a need too, freedom from the desire for a relationship can be stronger than the desire for a relationship. What do you think?

anita