Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→how to reduce a primary desire ?
- This topic has 10 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
January 29, 2023 at 2:51 pm #414717
The question might seems strange, But this was my goal when i was a teenager.
Anyhow am just gonna say what is the problem: everyday before bed, i have the habit to fantasize of being in a relationship
this habit has been established since i was a kid, it was a way to reduce anxiety, i continued this through my teenage years, and even my adulthood.
You might say, well “what is the problem?”, Good question, I already have a very intense need of such desire ( hence why the need to fantasize)
and fantasizing only increase such desire, I dont like contributing to the problem, the probelm itself doesnt bother me
But why is it a big deal ? i will explain, whenever i see something related about such fantasy, basically anything that reminds me of the desire itself
it can be as little as seening or hearing or even thinking of the other gender, i get pain, i call it a trigger, i try to understand such pain, why it happens, and i think its because i havnt satisfed such desire, and that i blame myself for not doing so, and i feel guilty about that, i have this blame&gulit issue, it also reminds me of how much i desire it, and for some reason that itself can be painful
im nowhere near satisfing such desire, its gonna take some time, a lot of time, and until then i want to at least know that i handle it well, i really hope that i dont have to get specific into this point.
So what is my goal ? I just want to stop doing this habit because i feel its adds to the problem, maybe thats not the case, but i think it is.
outside bed i already do my best to stay away from triggers (reasonably), and do whatso called prevention, which is staying away from anything that reminds me of the desire, and it kinda works, but i just cant seems to sleep if i dont fantasize, i spent some time trying to fight such thoughts only to end up with insomnia, i tried to replace it with another habit, for example meditate and try to think of something else, i just couldn’t, i always end up either with fantasizing, or not being able to sleep.
it has a purpose however, it does reduce my anxiety and makes me relax, sometimes at least, and for some reason i cant find a better alternative
maybe im just over-reacting and the best course is to just accept it as part of the cycle of life, i actually already accepted it, but i always get this thought of “there is gotta be another way”
Anyhow, thanks for your attentionJanuary 29, 2023 at 3:38 pm #414719HelcatParticipant
Hang tight! I know the perfect person to ask for advice about this. They’ve overcome their issues with desires. I’m sure they’ll be able to give some feedback tomorrow.
It sounds like the habit is pretty engrained and deeply associated with sleep. It would probably take a lot of time and effort to adapt to a new bedtime routine. Please be patient with yourself.
I would suggest reading some information about sleep hygiene and developing a routine that suits you.
Anxiety was a problem for me at bedtime. Over the years I’ve used different techniques.
Meditation might be better used at night once you’re more confident in your practice. It might be an idea to meditate during the day while developing the skill.
Non-repetitive music and melatonin (careful not to overdo this one though) helped me during periods of insomnia. Eventually, I developed an anxiety reducing routine. Lighting a scented candle, music on, grab a soft toy to cuddle. But anything that helps you relax and / or reduces anxiety could be helpful in a sleep hygiene routine. Nowadays, I do progressive muscle relaxation, a gratitude journal and meditation. For difficult nights, I find audiobooks helpful.January 29, 2023 at 11:56 pm #414726HelcatParticipant
Their advice is that dating makes it easier to stop these habits. Is that something that you would like to pursue?January 30, 2023 at 8:15 am #414736PeterParticipant
Thoughts are a happening. The more you try or will yourself not to engage some thought the longer it lingers. Frustrating as from the point of view of the mind trying our not trying to engage with a though is the same thing. In both cases your holding on to it and blocking flow.
As Helcat mentioned Meditation techniques could help. “Oh here is that fantasy again”, engage or don’t engage, whatever you choose do so without judgment as it the judgment that clings to such things and prevents flow.
You might notice that when you don’t apply judgments to having the fantasy you might go a step further and examine the judgments your making about the fantasies your having, the desire for relationship. In the fantasy what are you labeling as good, bad, if only, shoulds… At that point you might make such judgements conscious and being conscious allow them to inform you vice block you.
A fantasy becomes unskillful when it becomes a trick used to hide away from life rather then engaging with life. In a fantasy world one appears to a have more control so it may ‘feel’ safer, and being safer can become a pleasant trap. My owe experience with getting stuck in fantasy has been linked to a desire of the ego for control (both illusions). Something one can address in meditation.January 30, 2023 at 8:50 am #414738AnonymousGuest
“I try to understand such pain, why it happens, and I think it’s because I haven’t satisfied such desire, and that I blame myself for not doing so, and I feel guilty about that, I have this blame & guilt issue“- if you peel the blame and guilt issue off the mental act of fantasizing, you may be able to sleep better.
Try to have empathy for yourself instead of judging yourself as Guilty. Your desire for a relationship, if it is for a healthy, loving relationship- is a natural desire, nothing to feel guilty about, is it?
anitaJanuary 30, 2023 at 1:42 pm #414756
if you peel the blame and guilt issue off the mental act of fantasizing, you may be able to sleep better
i wish i dont feel gulity, its not a conscious effort by my side, i know why im doing it and where it come from, i have no problem with the act itself, my feelings arent aline with my thinking, i just feel like there is a healthier way to deal with this.January 30, 2023 at 2:11 pm #414757AnonymousGuest
“I just feel like there is a healthier way to deal with this“- by this, you mean your desire for a relationship (what you referred to as “primary desire” in the title of your thread). Fantasizing about a relationship, although it relieves your anxiety and makes it possible for you to sleep at nights, it otherwise increases your desire for a relationship. You tried to substitute meditation and distractions for the fantasy, but the result has been insomnia. Having a relationship is not possible for you now, and not for a long time.
I am just about to go for my daily walk and will think about your dilemma. When I return, I will post again.
anitaJanuary 30, 2023 at 4:11 pm #414765AnonymousGuest
On my walk, I remembered what came to my mind when I first read your original post: it was a very short question and answer that I heard or read a long time ago, it went something like this: a man is imprisoned in a jail cell. How does he get out?
Answer: he stops wanting out.
The man can be free if he stops desiring to be free. Back to you: how can you be free from the desire to have a relationship?
My suggested answer, perhaps: desire freedom more than you desire a relationship. Freedom is a need too, freedom from the desire for a relationship can be stronger than the desire for a relationship. What do you think?
anitaJanuary 31, 2023 at 7:50 am #414776SujiParticipant
Before sharing my thoughts about this matter, let me briefly introduce myself. I have been meditating for over 10 years and was able to transform my life through personal growth. Along the way, I had to deal with many issues including sleep issues, and overcame most of them through my practice.
What I have realized is that our thoughts and desires that pop up on the surface level are rooted in our subconscious minds’ beliefs. So, if we can get rid of those beliefs from our subconscious minds, we can naturally let go of surface-level thoughts and fantasies.
From my experience, I noticed that if we do something unconsciously, reacting, it normally intensifies. You mentioned that “I tried to replace it with another habit, for example meditate and try to think of something else, i just couldn’t” this might be the reason, I am just thinking. There may be another reason for it.
I know that meditation works. Because you are interested in meditation, what I suggest is instead of using meditation to replace it, you may find a time that you feel energized and have fewer distractions to meditate. And as you continue your practice, you’ll naturally raise your consciousness by letting go of your surface-level thoughts around different areas of your life.
And you can then use this consciousness to let go of the things that are bothering you.
Because everyone’s situation is different, this may not be a perfect answer for your situation. But I thought that my knowledge might help you to achieve what you are trying to achieve. If you need anything to be clarified or any resource for this, please let me know, I would love to share my knowledge with you.February 3, 2023 at 5:41 am #414909
hi, ive read all of what you said, and ive gained a better understanding of the situation, im satisfied with the answers, thank you for your repliesFebruary 3, 2023 at 5:55 am #414911AnonymousGuest
You are welcome, lorn, and thank you for the note!