Dear TTK:

Welcome back!

I was going to suggest a separation but you wrote that it is not an option for you. Therefore I suggest that you put together Rules of behavior, for yourself, rules that you will follow no matter what. I will state these rules in my words and add in parentheses quotes from what you shared in your previous thread and in this one). I suggest you make these rules your  own by choosing your own words. Here they are:

1. No matter what, I will not physically attack my partner, I will not hurt him physically in any way, shape or form (“I have sudden bursts of violence and rage where I physically attack him”).

2. No matter what, I will not yell at my partner. When I notice the volume of my voice increasing, I lower it and keep it low (“I fight, argue, yell, etc.”)

3. No matter what, I will not threaten to commit suicide nor will I make suicidal gestures or tries (“I committed suicide so many times and he had to save me… I tried to kill myself several times”).

4. No matter how hurt I feel, no matter how much I suffer, I do  not pass that hurt and suffering to him. I do not inflict my hurt and my suffering on him. Instead I contain it (“I’m hurting too  and I just wanted him to see that”).

– Now, some input regarding what you wrote here: “I really do love him… I never once stopped myself before an outburst to think about his losses, hurts and traumas and consider how he would feel if I did this or behave this way. What is missing inside me to not be able to do that? I feel like a bad person but tell myself I’m a good person because I do love”-

– when you feel anger at him, your intent is to hurt him, so you proceed to do just that. It is no difference than any animal feeling anger, its intent is to  either threaten the object of their anger with violence or carry on that violence. When you feel anger at him and proceed to hurt him, you do not love him. You are as far away from love as can be, you are hateful.

When you don’t feel angry at him, you sometimes feel affection and love for him, and you feel regret for having hurt him. But then, you feel angry again and you hurt him yet again.

You really are a bad person.

Maybe a bad person who  wants to be good, but bad nonetheless. You are hurting him and you are hurting your completely innocent and dependent daughter. Even if you manage to yell and hit her father out of her vision and hearing, you are still hurting her father, making him less able to be a good father to her. She can sense the war zone she is living in, even if she doesnt see the physical violence or hear the arguing and fighting.

– And so, if you sincerely want to be a good person, you can be. Make your rulews-of-behavior, follow them no matter how hurt you  feel, no matter how much emotional suffering you experience. Do not inflict your suffering on your partner or your daughter.

anita

You ask a great question. In relationships we tend to react to a situations more then we respond to it.

When we react to a situation there is usually more going on then just the event occurring in the moment.  Most of us will react when something about the current situation triggers something from the past. In most cases this is often something subconscious that we don’t want to deal with. No better way to keep from dealing with a past hurt then to create drama in the present.

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past. If its not a purpose is most certainly something we will use our relationship for. To do this we will unconsciously recreate the past only this time having someone we trust work through the hurt and doing so heal them.  The trick to healing the past we bring to the present is to make it conscious. Making our issues conscious allows us to respond to a event vice react.

Its interesting that you said “He laid out on the table at the beginning of the relationship what he needed from me and I pretty much ripped all of those things and threw them back in his face.“  He basically told you how to hurt him which you did. Is it possible the past your trying to heal is one in which someone you loved left you or couldn’t give you what you needed and a part of you perhaps feels it was your fault, that you weren’t good enough?  So now when in relationship you subconsciously recreate the past by creating scenarios were you push those you love away from you hoping that they will stay and prove you wrong. Only until you make something like that conscious and take ownership of it (its not about your partner) will you stop reacting.

Unfortunately, it takes 100 positive “at a boy/girl” to overcome one negative experience.  So we push and push those we love away no mater how many times they reassure us… until we decided to stop or we create what we feared, the false reality that something is wrong with us and were not good enough, everyone leaves us…..