Dear luk333:

I am suggesting you correct the part of your thinking that is incorrect. His is the incorrect part: “I should be able to embrace their negativity by showing compassion.” I heard this thinking many, many times, this turning the other cheek concept.

When a person hurts you (as this couple did this holiday vacation)- it is a perversion of nature and logic to embrace those that are hurting you. It is a perversion of nature to show compassion to those actively hurting you. Can you imagine if a deer embraced the lion about to sprint for the killing of the deer? Can you imagine the deer engaging in empathy for the lion about to kill it?

Nature made it so that the deer feels fear when attacked, so it is motivated to run away. Other animals that have it in them to fight an enemy, when attacked are filled with anger. The anger motivates them to fight for their lives.

When you were under attack this “vacation”- understandably, you felt anger. You were attacked with put downs, disapproval, ridicule. So the problem is not that you feel angry and you should not feel angry; the problem is you were attacked. You should have protected yourself right then and there and assert yourself clearly with them. Now that this vacation is over, do assert yourself with them and/ or have no contact with them whatsoever.

It is a shame your partner didn’t detect those attacks at you but maybe she is not fully aware of those. Maybe she is used to such commentary from her own parents and tolerate those. Well, you don’t have to tolerate those. It is for her own good as well that you don’t. Explain to her this and do post again with your thoughts and maybe an update about your partner’s reaction.

anita

luk333

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s difficult enough to feel personally attacked in an environment where it’s difficult to remove yourself (vacation) and even more difficult when you don’t feel supported by those you love.

That being said, setting healthy boundaries for yourself IS showing compassion for others. We can’t be our best self when we’re in an environment where we’re feeling distant and defensive. Attempting to show compassion by putting yourself in a position to be hurt and build an even deeper resentment isn’t going to heal anyone’s soul. Sometimes we show compassion by loving and honoring other peoples spirit from afar. It sounds like that’s what you need to do in this situation. Set your boundaries with your partner and these friends. You don’t need to explain yourself to them. Simply tell your partner how you’re feeling and that you don’t feel comfortable sharing your time with these friends (said couple) any longer. Then don’t. There’s no reason to defend your decision or further explain it. Once you remove yourself from the situation try sending them positive healing thoughts through meditation or quiet reflection. Do this once a day for a week. Try to remember nothing anyone says has anything to do with you. It’s simply their perception of others and life based on the how the perceive their experiences.

When we begin to set boundaries for our own emotional health we attract people who are conducive to the boundaries we’ve set.

Good luck!