Home→Forums→Relationships→How to stay positive when he is unsure
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September 7, 2017 at 9:28 pm #167786
MichelleParticipantMe and my boyfriend have been dating for almost three years now. Three years this month actually. We have been living together for a year now and of course we have our fair share of arguments but, a few days ago we got into a huge argument. His parents actually ended up getting involved. It all started when I found out we were going out to a bar with a girl that he was having relations with before we had met. This girl is now dating a family friend of his. For me this was very uncomfortable and I told his that before we ended up going out. W got into an argument before actually making it out. He told me to grow up because they never had anything. He never actually dated this girl but they did have sex. We made up after the argument and went out. Of course when we get to the bar not only was this girl who he had sex with was there but his ex from before me was there also. He did not see her but I told him I saw her. I don’t know why I told him to be honest. Maybe I figured he would see her? Maybe I wanted to point out how uncomfortable I was? So later when we get home he could tell something was wrong with me so he asked what was wrong. From there it blew up. He was yelling at me and his dad heard from the room over. He is so sick of me bringing up his past. Which I admit I do bring up more often then I ever should because we all have a past. But I cant help myself. I feel i have so many insecurities when it comes to his past. As if I feel he will gain feelings for these people when he sees them. Aside from that we are currently in a weird place after the fight. He told me bringing up his past just pushes him away. He just started talking to be yesterday and I can tell things are still not where they should be so i asked his if he feels weird towards me. And he said he does. He also said he doesn’t know if these feelings are going to go away but he hopes that they do. I do not now what to do from here. I feel so heart broken and hurt. What if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? I know only time will tell but the waiting part is going to eat me up inside. How do i stay positive?
September 8, 2017 at 5:19 am #167826
InkyParticipantHi Michelle,
The only way for you guys not to run into anyone from his past is to move a couple hours away. It’s just that simple.
We also don’t know his heart. Does he regret ever having a past or meeting these women, or did he date every eligible bachelorette in the city and simply can’t escape from it?
But wow, what karma for him that he had to run into two in the same place right after he finally convinced you to meet one of them in person!
I would drop it. He knows how you feel. Now he knows there will be no next time, that you won’t meet any more women from his past on purpose when you’re already running into them by chance!
And that you aren’t cool with it. That you won’t play the role of the cool, silent girlfriend. He’s just mad because the second ex ruined that for him when she showed up!
Best,
Inky
September 8, 2017 at 6:00 am #167832
ElianaParticipantHi Michelle,
I don’t think it had anything to do with your behavior or insecurity. But his behavior and him deliberately putting you in an awkward situation. He may not have dated this girl, but he had sex with her, and that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. I think he was quite disrespectful of you and your feelings. He should have taken your feelings into considetation, shown more empathy instead of being critical and yelling at you. This is very disrespectful and no way to treat a girlfriend or someone you love.
Instead of “blowing” up next time, which is not working, and making things worse, assert yourself and set boudaries. Tell him you will not go anywhere where there are women around that he has had sex with. And leave it at that. Instead, go out with your friends, showing him you can be fine and independent without him and his disrespectful behavior. What if the tables, were turned and you took him to a bar where your ex’s were, how would be feel? Best to tell him, for him not to put you in that position again, that it is creating too much turmoil in the relationship, and maybe you can go to a movie or a romantic drive or dinner instead. There’s lots of things he can do without going to bars with ex’s around.
September 8, 2017 at 8:06 am #167864
AnonymousGuestDear Michelle:
You asked: “What if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”- since you are worried about it, it will help if you prepare for it. If he decides that he doesn’t want to be with you, what will happen next? Prepare. You mentioned his father in the other room, meaning you live with him at his parents’ home? If so, I suppose you will need to move out. Figure out the steps you will need to take in case of a break up so that the future doesn’t seem as scary.
You wrote in your last paragraph: “I know only time will tell but the waiting part is going to eat me up inside. How do i stay positive?”- better not wait for him to decide for you, but instead consider that you have the power of deciding as well. As long as you consider him as the powerful one, having 100% control of your life, then you will be… well, powerless, waiting helplessly.
Regarding decisions: as a couple the two of you can decide regarding future get together events with his exes, whether to avoid such, so you don’t have to discuss each such event separately. Avoid arguments and fights altogether. They are not an inherent, unavoidable part of a relationship. It is possible for the two of you to be respectfully assertive. With aggression (arguments and fights) someone loses. Being assertive and respectful allows for a win-win relationship.
anita
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