Hi Miss L Dutchess:

I’m really sorry you went through so much pain and loneliness, especially during times when you were trying your best. You deserved better support, and it’s completely okay to feel angry or sad about that.

I’m glad you do have some friendships that remind you of your worth.

Getting a diagnosis later in life brings up a lot—relief, grief, and all the “what ifs.” You’re not alone in that. I’ve lived with Tourette Syndrome (visible motor tics and audible vocal tics) since I was… maybe five, maybe six—I honestly don’t remember. And yet, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 26. That’s nearly twenty years of people seeing and hearing the tics without anyone naming it.

I think I would’ve felt less like a freak of nature if an empathetic professional had told me there was a name for it—and ways to better accept it, even if not cure it. Maybe if I’d been diagnosed as a child and given information, I could’ve explained it to my classmates. Or better yet, maybe teachers would’ve explained it to the kids and made it clear that mocking me wasn’t okay and wouldn’t be tolerated. That would’ve been something. It would’ve made a huge difference in my life.

Sending warmth your way. You’re not alone.

—Anita

Hi Miss Dutchess

I can understand the difficulty with your recent diagnosis. It is emotional coming to terms with these things and wondering what if. It is perfectly okay to feel this way. I’m sorry to hear about the bullying too. ❤️

I feel like an early diagnosis may have helped more socially than anything else. And of course, emotional coping strategies. Because if you ask me, therapists are important and help with these kinds of things.

It is not so helpful that your family just expected for friends to magically happen to you. I don’t think that is true. It’s important to have common interests if you ask me. I guess that is just how I’ve done it.

I don’t know if having a specialist would have helped much with maths. My maths has always been shocking, but I did learn more effective ways of dealing with it as I got older. I tend to use formula calculators online. It really helps me a lot to understand how things work. They have diagrams and can explain the working. It is something that just wasn’t available when I grew up.

Also, I have experience dealing with learning anxiety now because I went back to university more recently after dropping out because of being assaulted. Being a language tutor helped me to understand learning anxiety as well. Once you get over the anxiety, it takes away some of the stress of doing something that you’re not comfortable with. Being a tutor really teaches you that it’s okay to make mistakes, it is just the process of learning. Also just learning how to study effectively helps. It’s wild that it isn’t really taught in schools. I had to learn from someone who was really good at testing.

It’s good to hear that you have some friends. And well done on putting yourself out there and talking to that person in the book store. ❤️

I guess for me, I moved a lot. So I was bullied a lot and I didn’t make many close friends, one or two per school was enough for me. By the way, most kids get bullied. It isn’t just you. So you are not alone.

I just went to the library, chess club and computer gaming clubs. There were nice kids there. Kids like me who didn’t want hassle or to be bothered by anyone else.

I didn’t really understand other kids because I was being abused at home so kid conversations seemed a bit meaningless at the time. The autism didn’t help either.

It was probably when I became a teenager that I started to make more friends because I went to parties.

Unfortunately, I was sexually assaulted by a friend in college. So I became a shut in for a while.

It took some time for me to learn to be around people again. I find what helped was being around a friend who was extroverted. They were always talking to everyone. They carried on most of the conversations. I didn’t have to say much if I didn’t want to. It was a bit alien to me at first. But I just got used to it and started to chime in more with conversations when I felt like it. Working with the people as a tutor and in a phone store helped talk to people too. Somehow I find it less stressful when you are in a position where people are expected to be kind and listen, because they want help from you. It is generally very polite and I like that style of communication.

Small talk might not seem important initially. It is deceptive, because you learn a lot about people through small talk. What they care about, their interests, their feelings and worries. It’s also really helpful because socially it tends to be that you build trust through small talk and then you have deeper conversations once you know each other.

I tend to find that most of my friends are also neurodivergent. It just seems to be easier for me to connect with them.

I’m guessing that you don’t have a sibling? I feel like pranks are something that you understand more if you have a sibling. It’s kind of a reciprocal thing. You’re supposed to take turns pranking each other. It’s a stupid silly game where you tease each other a bit. Supposed to be funny, like a physical form of joke.

My son just did his first prank today. Put dog kibble in his father’s shoe.

Take care and good luck with everything! ❤️

Hi Miss Dutchess

It is valid to not like the hazing style pranks. I wouldn’t either. I definitely grew out of some of this stuff in high school. It is a very American thing to do hazing in college. I don’t really understand it. A smart move on your part not doing anything illegal or dangerous!

In college we would play dumb games like punching each other in the arm when you see a yellow car or trying to trip each other up. Play fighting a little. But that was with friends. I didn’t mind it. One thing I didn’t like is when one of my friends singed my hair with fire. That wasn’t cool. Too far! Can you tell I hung out with boys?

When I was in primary school I got pushed off a high wall because I was afraid of heights and too scared to jump down. I only climbed up with the other kids because I didn’t want to get left behind. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t hold a grudge. They were just trying to hurry me up. Again a friend. I had a mean girl pretend I stole her stuff to try and get me in trouble.

I was tripped by a mean kid on concrete in gym class. I fell so hard and hit my head, I had a fit. He never apologised.

I had a boy harass me in high school to hide the fact that he was gay. He scrunched up my homework and ate it, which would have really upset me, except that day I had a spare copy. He also groped me in the hallway when he was passing. And took it too far when he sat next to me once in class touching me underneath the table and would not stop when I asked. I asked to be moved and the teacher said no.

I’m only telling you these experiences so you know that you are not alone. ❤️

You are not a friendless loser and tolerating things you are very upset by is not a good way to make friends. It is such a shame that you felt the need to do that. You must have felt very lonely to do go through things that made you so uncomfortable. ❤️

It is a shame that you never got the chance to explore pranks in a healthy way as a child that made you feel comfortable and sure that you weren’t being bullied. ❤️