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how to trust again after being hurt and lied on

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  • #77918
    vidalevi
    Participant

    Well….Im in my early 30s all my relationships(only 2 which were serious) left me unable to trust. I have been lied upon, cheated upon and had a man who would make promises but never kept it.
    I have been single since last 6 years mostly coz I needed a break from all these emotional abuse and also coz I had to settle down career-wise.
    Now I’m at a place in my life where I’m open to date again seriously and I constantly find myself feeling scared.
    The main issue is I’m not able to trust in what the other person says. I’m taking the help of online dating coz I don’t find time to meet people personally.
    There is this one person who is actually nice and now he wants me to meet in person. I get scared that what if he doesn’t turn up(like how my exes did). I find that I dissect his each line and try to find out whether there is something else to it. I constantly worry that once he may leave just like that after meeting me.
    Also this person isn’t much of a talker. He never calls. But he is constantly in touch with messages n chats. I was so paranoid of him not calling me as(he might have someone else etc etc) and asked my friend to check on him. Apparently he is really single but open in meeting up people.
    Now I feel that whether its my mind which is who is wrong which keeps comparing him n his actions to my exes.
    I don’t want to lose a good man(if he indeed is) and don’t want to project my insecurities onto him.
    Kindly advice.

    #77920
    Christopher
    Participant

    Hi! First of all, beware of online dating (but I guess you took that into consideration already). After reading your post, one thing that I strongly encourage you to look for before even getting into another relationship is make sure you are happy with yourself and with your life in this moment.

    I’ve seen way too many people (and was one of them myself) who look for validation in a relationship and inveitably end up with regrets or involved in bad relationships. The fact that you’ve waited so long before getting involved again says a lot, but if you really are happy with yourself right now I would just stop putting too much pressure on your next relationship and just experience and enjoy what you get. The worst it can happen is you get to know another person, share some time with him, see where it leads you and go from there.

    Make sure you are clear with that person about your expectations and be honest with yourself on if this is really what you want.

    Hope this helps!

    Chris

    #77927
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear vidalevi:
    With your mindset of looking for evidence that the next person in your life is not turstworthy, I would suggest that you focus not on getting into an exclusive relationship with this new guy or any other but on developing a friendship with this guy- and with others, if you’d like. Shooting for a romantic relationship at this point, when you are hyperfocused on suspicion is not a good beginning. If you decide on, let’s say, 3 months of friendship only BEFORE you consider a bf/gf relationship with this guy, then you have 3 months of not having to be suspicious of him. During the three months you will be able to learn about him, to enjoy some closeness, learning about yourself even, in the context of friendship. Then, after three or however long you decide, after that- figure it out and maybe take it to the next level.
    anita

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