Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have actually, in the past, confronted my parents, when i started to realise that these things did cause me some hurt. Especially my mother, i said some very, very harsh things to her (probably the worst things that a child can say to their mother), then i switched the phone off and didn’t take contact for a year or so. Then we had a talk with the therapist in the hospital where i was, and then some on and off contact again (in a bit an awkward way), and a few years later she died. I can’t even dare to start to imagine what that must have been like for her.
Perhaps i am putting so much emphasis on understanding her, because i still feel guilty for that.
Almost a year after she died i had another job that didn’t work out, and then i started a day therapy, that was the Linehan, 2 days per week. About half a year into that i became suddenly very suicidal and desperate, i come out of it but i still think that it was all the guild for saying these awful things to her and treating her like that. I couldn’t cope with that.
So i don’t know, but i think that might be (a part of) the reason that i am so afraid to go really into it, more than just with my mind. I might still be afraid that i will have to deal with these words of mine and not being able to deal with all the self-hatred and self-blame that comes up.

And also about the dwelling in the past, i do feel that i have said so many times already: this and that is the source of my problems, and it feels like each time the same song. That i should focus more on doing interesting things and learning things, because now it seems that i have almost only that to talk about. But i guess i should find a good therapist, who helps me to EXPERIENCE these things, instead of just talking about it.

And yes, i want to be too nice, what you say about figuring out my mother’s reasons. I always do that: i want to call other people good and try to only see good things about them. Even though they are assholes i don’t manage to see that. Because i find myself so unimportant and low, that i find it very hard to say: somebody did this to me, i was hurt and that damaged me. I guess you have to be able to give yourself some kind of importance to say that you were treated the wrong way.
Even when i’m in terrible physical pain or if someone is unkind, unfair to me, i used to just say: oh it’s nothing, and put on a big (forced) smile. I have that less than it used to be but it is so difficult for me to just acknowledge that something is not well for me.

These several quotes that you take from me, about ‘maybe’ and ‘probably’, might be because i find it hard to take myself so serious, to say: these things damaged me and i need to work with that. Because i still find it hard to respect myself enough to really look after myself. As long as i can keep going, and i am very strong with getting out of bed in the morning and do everything i need to do, and keep pushing myself. As long as i can do that (There are times that i can’t do it at all anymore if i have pushed myself for too long and too hard – and then people probably just say that i’m lazy, but i don’t think it’s laziness at all), i can push away the need to look into myself, and to face that i’m unhappy and breaking down inside, and to look at what i can do to become happy.
It is still a big drama for me to pay much attention to what happens inside of me. The thing that matters is, how i come across to other people, and yes, am i pleasing other people, am i doing what they expect from me.

This evening i was feeling terrible again. Now i’m trying to make a little bit of chat at work, but of course it feels awful. I don’t even dare to make eye contact and i feel so extremely clumsy. I feel that it’s so forced and that i’m probably making a fool out of me. Of course it works contrary if i put so much pressure on it.
I phoned this telephone helpline, that i have phoned a lot in the past already, and i told him also about your suggestions, about this kind of therapy, going into it. And he also suggested that it would be a good idea.
He adviced a kind of therapy where they work with roleplays, where we would go into situations with family, or also in situations with collueges that feel uncomfortable, and that way learn to relax more with those people.
I don’t know much about it but i will remember his advice. He seemed to know what he talked about.

So i won’t write: perhaps i should do that – i always tend to write and talk with these kind of words, which is maybe not good -. But i guess it’s time to look for an other therapist. Also i moved to an other country a few years ago so my contact with my therapist is not always through skype. It might be better to talk with somebody in real life, although she notices quite a lot through skype, it does create more distance.

So that’s 2 very scary things: i have to talk to my therapist about stopping and i have no idea how to start about that. And then i have to let go of that contact, while i’m not good at letting go of things.
And second, finding a new therapist. How do you go on about that. Finding someone that fits with me, that i feel good with. I saw one therapist here about 2 years ago, and i remember that i didn’t feel too much confidence in her, maybe i should try her again. I did a quick google, and found someone that looked very qualified, but askes for a big fee, more than i can afford. So should i just go to some random person and see if it works for me, and if he/she can offer me what i look for? Kind of trial and error?
I don’t know. But i think it’s time to look for some phone numbers and after the weekend call at least somebody, and not keep postponing it…

Thank you for reading all of this.
It is all quite scary but i think it’s time to take some steps. Stop avoiding and put a kind of film over myself (don’t know if it makes any sense this expression, it kind of makes sense in my mind…) and trying to change little things about myself.
Although i don’t know if that is a good thing, for somebody with borderline, but maybe i need to do what i think that i need, and not what some doctors tell me that i can or can’t with my borderline-diagnosis (which is after all, just a diagnosis, and not even a truth. perhaps i have these borderline symptoms because i’m not allowing myself to fully be. does that sound reasonable?)

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I am a bit late in replying – i had actually already written this reply a few days ago, on an other sleepless night, but i felt that because of the sleeplessness, i’d better read it again first, but i’m too tired these days so i’ll just post it now. Even though it’s maybe a bit too long.

You say that you understand that fear – fear for the guilt and the pain of the things i said to my mother. Did you have something similar? (I assume it is ok to ask you this because you are talking so openly about your things, so i assume that they won’t trigger you.. If it does, please tell me and then ignore my question..)

You are welcome to write or ask me things if you’d like to, i think i can cope with that 🙂
If not i will tell you.

I’m not sure if i understand what you say with this: “That option meant I was indeed a perfect victim. Taking on the guilt meant I was not a perfect victim, that I had some power. ”
Maybe i’m too tired to think clearly at the moment. I will read it again later when i manage to get some proper sleep.

I recognise what you write about seeing yourself as faulty, i have perhaps never thought it through as thoroughly as you, but i think that is a normal thing to conclude if you are treated right. As a child, you form your perception of the world, so if people – well especially the ones who have the biggest role in your life, which are usually your parents – treat you like you are unwanted, you go believe that. I feel different than you because i don’t think my mother was bad and she didn’t want to hurt me. She was in too much fight within herself and couldn’t cope with herself. She probably wasn’t ready or able to raise a child but she was not bad.

Yes it works as a coping mechanism, to make beliefs about yourself at that time. It must be heartbreaking to face each moment of the day, knowing that you are a good, innocent and love-needing and love-deserving child who is being denied this most basic human need. And you can’t change anything for what’s happening to you for a long time, so you end up too frustrated and too bitter if you’ll face it that way the whole time.
But, that is the time that you learn what life is about, and if nobody ever told you or showed you, that you are good, just like anyone else and deserve love and care just like anyone else, where are you going to learn this?
People seem to be different, some people/children seem to get more rebellious when they’re not treated right. Me i got into the victim role, and adapting role very easily, trying to become a good little girl that tried not to bother anybody (which i’m still doing for the biggest part, it has become me). So i don’t know, does that have to do with our previous lives (if you believe in reincarnation), that some children seem to have a stronger sense of their worth and rights, and react more powerful when their needs are not being met? Perhaps I learned similar things in my previous lives, that i wasn’t very valuable or perhaps i was living in a lower rang of a society, or perhaps i did some wrong things which i’m paying for now with my reduced power.

No don’t worry, it is not distressing to talk about it at all. If it was, it is up to me not to reply to it.
What i meant was, that i just assume that i am staying so at the surface of this, maybe the reason for that is that i am scared to go deeply into these things i once said to her – with a therapist. To write about it on a forum doesn’t touch me too deeply because i’m quite distant from these things inside of me.
And actually i don’t know if it makes sense, that that is the reason, because if i do decide to look for a therapist to look into these things deeply, it will probably be a slow thing, building up thrust and if it’s a good therapist, he/she will probably also take the time to consider my pace.
And, as far as i remember, i kept distance from myself, didn’t want to look into these things or couldn’t manage to find myself important enough to go into that process to acknowledge damage that was done to me, and my need for healing.

You are suggesting me a certain kind of therapy:
“Regarding what therapy and how you know- when you get together with a therapist- CBT I hope, with DBT and mindfulness (what I had)-”
And i’m wondering why you say that now. Because earlier on you suggested me to find a therapist who would help me to experience, and feel again the experiences of then, to learn to acknowledge it. And that sounds quite far away from CBT and DBT (i assume that is cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy?) – the DBT therapist i have now, doesn’t go much into these things. She mentions it sometimes, but i feel it’s more as a way of explaining why i have such difficulties with certain things, more in an intellectual way.
So that seems to be a bit of discrepancy, of course you don’t know me and you can’t advise me a certain kind of therapy, but i’m interested to hear why you’re suggesting this.

It’s interesting that you write this advice about a therapist. To look for somebody who offers more than just the hour every week. My initial reaction is very typical: why would i expect somebody who is willing to occupy his or her time outside of the hour that they get paid? As if i’m so important? And if i do find a therapist, that i think might work, i wouldn’t be so arrogant to think that they are not good enough because they don’t want to spend more time or energy in me outside the pay-hour.
You wrote this: ” I wouldn’t go to one who seems like the only time she remembers you is during the 50 minutes or so you are there. i would need one- like the one I had- that is concerned about me” So you are saying, you would like a therapist that sees and treats you like a valuable human being, that is important enough to care about during other times as well. I’ve heared other people saying that, and my current therapist is like that actually, and i’m seeing her now 8 or 9 years and i still find it difficult sometimes. Although she keeps insisting that i can always phone her or mail her, and mail her exercises in between sessions, i do it but still find it hard and often with a lot of apologies. Although she has always replied very caring, she almost always respond to my phone calls even when she was on a holiday or very busy (which makes me wonder what kind of superwoman she is), i still find it hard to accept. Hard to accept care for me?
So, you say you’d want a therapist that treats you like a human being and makes time and effort for you, which is probably what a lot of people want, but for me it is still so scary, to be treated like a human being. It is much easier to be treated like a put-away thing and that’s what i usually look for, people to treat me like that.

Anyway, i think i’ll take it easy with a new therapist. I will talk about these things with my current therapist, about maybe needing to look into certain things more deeply and about the contact being mainly through skype, and what she thinks about it. And if i/we do decide that it is better to change, than i think i’ll take the time for it. The contact with her is too valuable to just put it away

Hi, I am sorry for my late reply here. I kept thinking about it, but i was so tired with my work, that i couldn’t find the energy to go into that. I am sorry to hear how much suffering you went through Anita, and how you blamed yourself for all of it. I recognise quite a few things what you write, although i still find it hard to see that it wasn’t my responsability.
And i still feel guilty most of the time for being around other people, wasting their air and their view. Although i can now see that these are one thought patterns that are strong because i have built them up over so long time, i don’t seem to manage to let go of them for longer than a while.

When we were writing these posts i was thinking about looking for an other therapist, who could help me to look into all of these feelings. But at the moment i’m just continuin with my therapist in my home country.
Maybe i feel that there is still a lot to gain for me with DBT, maybe i’m just scared to go into all these things. Because i’m a bit scared, that i wouldn’t know how to cope with it all and how to get out of it.
Often i just feel like, just stop bothering about those things, and get on with my life, do something useful and open up. Although i already feel, while i’m writing this, that it’s not really going to work, it seems that i’m still in the denial phase. I find it difficult, the idea of going through such and emotional therapy, having no social network where i could find support, and having to be able to manage my job – a very easy job, but when my emotions get out, i can get really messy and unproductive.
I guess i’ll keep it in the back of my mind, and perhaps i’ll do something with it later.
Thank you very much for sharing your story with me and for making me think 🙂