Hello all,

Brand new to this and just looking for some perspective and advice on the troubles I am currently facing with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. Throughout our relationship, he has never been an excessively emotional or expressive person– which has never particularly bothered me as I know this is his MO– but lately it seems to have gotten worse (probably in the last year). A lot of our fights revolve around, or are triggered by, this intensely shut down behavior he oftentimes presents. This is how it looks a lot of the time: He will come over, barely return my hug, barely return my greetings, and will seem obviously upset or angry. I will ask him if he is ok, if something happened at work, etc. Oftentimes he will deny that anything at all is wrong, or will blame a headache or a bad mood, and acts annoyed that I’m even asking (“Can’t I have a bad mood?!”) My attempts to make him feel better are greeted with flat out irritation, and so I ease off and just try to let him decompress (which is pretty awkward considering we don’t live close by to one another and we don’t live together; so this time is supposed to pleasant and engaging for the both of us)…however, in these situations our time together usually devolves into a stony silence. I eventually become really frustrated and exasperated with the situation and just ask him what in the world is wrong and can we please just enjoy the night. At this point, he will often try to say that nothing was initially wrong but that my “nagging” has upset him or that he was following my lead in being silent. Sometimes these fights end with one of us leaving. We inevitably patch it up and move on, but this just happens time and time again. I suspect he doesn’t really see this pattern or how weird and selfish it is even though I repeatedly try and communicate it to him.

This is a very specific example of more overarching trends I am noticing in our relationship. I often don’t feel heard or understood with these types of issues and it is really starting to wear me down. I am by no means perfect in our relationship but I feel as though I always try to understand and see how/why/what he is feeling or thinking so that we can grow together. I have recently been acutely struggling with depression and am not in a good place mentally. He has repeatedly made comments such as “you’re not trying hard enough [to feel better,]” or “I’m so sick of your self pity.” Needless to say that hurts me beyond words. I understand that, unless you have dealt with depression, it might be hard to comprehend, and obviously hard to deal with, but I just wish he would attempt to understand and to support me…He says those comments are intended to “motivate” me.

He has also recently admitted to being attracted to a female co-worker of his, although I doubt anything is actually happening between them. While I know we all find other people besides our partner attractive at one point or another, it was especially hard to hear it being said out loud and to swallow, provided that we are not in a good place in our relationship.  When I expressed concern over this, not only did he act as though I was overreacting and “crazy,” he even went so far as to say “Well I find a lot of girls attractive, so I don’t know why you’re so worked up over this one.” (He later said this was meant to “comfort” me.) I am extremely insecure about my looks, and have been since we met, something which he full well knows and has always been quite critical of. Yet he cannot see how comments like that reinforce this insecurity and creates the very thing he dislikes in me.

I am not suffering in silence over all these things. I am fairly vocal and expressive and am not afraid to show my hurt and anger. I have tried reasoning, explaining, hoping, wishing that he will start to consider my feelings more, but it never seems to happen. He always apologizes and insists he wants to be with me and that he loves me. Yet, at this point, I just don’t know anymore. I love him very much and we have had wonderful times together. What I have detailed above is really the worst of our relationship and, for all this hurt, we still laugh together and have good times. If it was always so bad, the answer would be clear and I would just end it…I am confused if this narrow-minded behavior simply indicates that I no longer matter to him and that he has truly stopped caring for me, or if a gap in communication and understanding is at the root of it. Many times these comments don’t seem that malicious, more just really ignorant and sort of emotionally stunted. Is there a way to help him grow to become more sensitive and receptive without sacrificing myself? Or is it pointless to hope that he would act so differently? Should I stop listening to what he’s saying and just focus on what he is doing? Any thoughts?

If you have made it this far, I just want to thank you for taking the time for reading. Hope you have a lovely day.