Hi Jgold,

Women don’t do well in groups of three, IMHO. They often try to one-up or triangulate people.

OK, my sister did something like this last night!! Only instead of saying something like that to one other person she said it out loud in front of fifty people!!! “INKY, AREN’T YOU GOING TO GIVE A TOAST I KNOW YOU’VE SPENT HOURS THINKING ABOUT AND WRITING?!” And I couldn’t call her on it only because it was her birthday!!! I didn’t hear people saying “Toast! Toast!” And even if I had written a toast down, it obviously wasn’t going to be pages upon effusive pages, so even if I had prepared something it would sound really lame. So no toast from me because I was embarrassed, which made me look really bad, but her look even worse, frankly. Finally after letting her comment hang in the air, her BF gave a nervous toast after everyone ate their cake. Then of course later she said something else that was elusively snarky (“I’m so tired of always wearing black”) and there I was wearing primarily black and a little ivory white.

Later I did say (in general to another topic, but where sister was listening) “I cannot be guilted, coerced, or forced to do anything.”

So don’t feel bad, as you can see, it can always get worse!

Inky

Dear Jgold:

When your friend said: “xx is like a dead person … be more lively!” it triggered an older hurt still circulating in your brain, someone criticizing you, telling you that you should not be who you are, that you should not feel the way you do, that you should be different than who you are.

In addition, you are afraid to assert yourself, to make your feelings known for fear it is being rude, just like with the roommate who took too much of your time in a previous post.

If you would like, share about the earliest experiences you remember of being negatively criticized for you being you.

It is a good practice for you to take small steps in expressing what you do feel and asserting yourself again and again. It probably feels scary, but doing it is healing.

anita

Dear J:

It will be fine to post on this thread your earliest experiences of being negatively criticized (which is very much connected to your difficulties being assertive). How would it help, you ask. Well, you carry hurt and fear from those earliest experiences when someone you cared about very much, most often a parent, someone who you tried so hard to please, and yet that person negatively criticized you. That made you feel you are not right, faulty, not good enough, not acceptable, someone who has no right to be assertive, to have your needs met (the connection with assertiveness).

Through insight and acknowledging that hurt and fear and anger you get in touch with what is fueling your difficulties now and by healing slowly from those hurts, you get to live a better life, one where you feel confident and are able to be assertive.

If you share here, I personally will respond, give you feedback and you can then post again and I- and others- will respond and so on, more insight for you, more getting in touch with what makes you tick the way you do and more empowerment.

To self manage yourself better, you need to know yourself better.

anita

Dear J:

Early experiences, early hurtful, damaging experiences live in us in the way of connections in the brain. It is not our choice then or now, it is an automatic, biological process.

Your parents did not validate your feelings. You felt what you felt and it was as if you were alone.

There is a saying: if a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody to hear it fall, does it make a sound? The child that you were is like the tree and falling is like you feeling something. But then nobody heard you, nobody noticed what you felt, cared for what you felt, attended to what you felt (talked with you about it with empathy, let you express what you felt with empathy, telling you something like, for example: “I can see that you feel sad…”I can see the TV volume bothers you…), then your feelings are in a vacuum. You don’t trust them.

When we feel as young children, we need someone to help us with that. “Hear” us feel and tell us what they are hearing.

And now, you have to do it without your parents, as an adult. And it is possible. Better if it was done then, but since it was not, what choice do you have but to do the work yourself. Or in psychotherapy where a good psychotherapist will do this necessary work: validate your feelings so you can trust them and be guided by them.

When your parents said you are too sensitive, that means they didn’t feel like being bothered with what you felt, so their message was: stop feeling it. “You are too sensitive” means, stop being bothered, more accurately: Stop bothering us with what you feel.

No, J, you are not too sensitive. Can you attend good psychotherapy for the purpose of someone validating your feelings, doing the job your parents should have done, and someone still needs to do?

Once your feelings are validated, once you trust them and have a good relationship with your feelings, then you can proceed to being assertive… naturally. (You can practice assertiveness still, now, however it feels… over time it will feel better).

anita

Dear Jgold:

Maybe you will need fewer therapy sessions than some people, maybe you can work hard during a few sessions with a good CBT therapist, let’s say, do your homework (a CBT, that is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist should give you homework every session!) and get a lot of benefit for a few, a short term therapy and the improvement in your life will be amazing, the confidence you will gain in your feelings, the assertive skills you will learn. A good CBT therapist can jump start you on the healing path, in your case healing your association with and trust in your emotions as well as learning and practicing assertiveness skills!

anita