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Husband Keeps Tickling Me

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  • #143703
    Charlie
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I have a bit of a random issue. My body is extremely sensitive, and I am very ticklish. I HATE being tickled. Nevertheless, my husband continues to think that it is cute to tickle me. He thinks that because I am laughing when he tickles me, that it must be fun and enjoyable. However, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I lose control of my body, I can’t breathe, I feel panicked, and I have a strong urge to hurt him so that he stops doing it. Sometimes he will even come up behind me and tickle me when I’m in the kitchen near a hot pan or knives, and I’m worried that one day he will do it, and one of us will get hurt. I tell him firmly every single time he does it that I hate being tickled, and I ask him to never do it again. Yet, he always does. He gets upset when I get upset about it and thinks I’m being “grumpy.” I think he is just trying to be playful and/or cheer me up, but I don’t know why he keeps doing it when it ALWAYS leads to an argument. It’s gotten to the point where if he is standing behind me, I brace myself because I’m afraid he’ll tickle me. We’ve been together for 8 years, and while he’s occasionally been like this in the past, it’s started happening more frequently in the past year.

    Am I overreacting about this? Does any one have any thoughts about how to approach this?

    #143707
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlie:

    Wikipedia has two entries regarding tickling, one titled “tickling” and the other, “tickle torture”.

    In the latter, it reads: “In a tickling situation, laughter can indicate a panic reflex rather than a pleasure response…forced tickle torture can cause real physical and mental distress in a victim… Chinese tickle torture is an ancient form of torture… a punishment for nobility since it left no marks and a victim could recover relatively easily and quickly…Another example of tickle torture was used in Ancient Rome…Heinz Heger…witnessed Nazi prison guards perform tickle torture on a fellow inmate…

    In his book Sibling Abuse, Vernon Wiehe published his research findings regarding 150 adults who were abused by their siblings during childhood. Several reported tickling as a type of physical abuse they experienced… abusive tickling is capable of provoking extreme physiological reactions in the victim, such as vomiting, incontinence (losing control of bladder), and losing consciousness due to inability to breathe.”

    I am definitely ready to answer your question: “Am I overreacting about this?”- the answer is: no.

    It is not a matter of choice for you: you cannot choose to not react distressfully to being tickled. On the other hand, it is a matter of choice for your husband: to tickle OR to not tickle you.

    Ask and insist that your husband read the extensive literature on tickling torture and abuse. If he refuses to do so, or if he reads it and continues to tickle you, ONE more time, just once- you got a real problem in your marriage. This is not (!) a laughing matter.

    I am sorry, Charlie. This is not a minor problem. If he doesn’t understand that laughing can indicate suffering, no matter you telling him so and reading about it, then he has a serious intellectual problem. If he understands and continues, he is being aggressive, abusive.

    Your thoughts, feelings?

    anita

     

    #143711
    Charlie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your input, Anita! I’ve read about tickle torture too and told him about it last night (the most recent time this happened). Hopefully it stops, but I still don’t think it’s getting through to him, and I won’t be surprised if it happens again relatively soon. Like you, I believe that tickling can be abusive. I just feel like it is very out-of-character for him to be this way. Otherwise he is not controlling at all, has never done anything else physically inappropriate, never raises his voice, doesn’t have anger issues, and he is a good and caring person. He’s also incredibly smart and is a university professor of engineering. I don’t know why he doesn’t get it. I’m fed up with telling him over and over again that, just because I laugh, doesn’t mean I enjoy it, and that it makes me really angry. I tell him if he wants to be affectionate, give me a hug or something but please don’t tickle me. I’m at a loss, and I worry about the fact that, if I can’t get through to him with this, what else will be a problem down the line.

    #143713
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlie:

    The term “tickled to death” is very telling, isn’t it?

    I believe you have the right to not be tickled. I believe any person has that right, to not be touched in a way that brings one suffering. Your body is not at your husband’s disposal, to do with it as he pleases.

    It needs not be a matter of his choice, to do with your body as he pleases, without your consent, and with your repeating request that he doesn’t do this again.

    And this is the solution, then: do not ask him, explain to him any longer: assert yourself. Look him in the eye and tell him that you will not tolerate ONE more time. Tell him that this is a deal breaker and he must never, ever tickle you again.

    anita

     

    #143717
    Charlie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’ve given me a lot to think about. I think I will bring it up later tonight and explain to him more about tickle-torture and tell him that I will not tolerate it anymore. Fingers crossed it goes over relatively well and doesn’t happen again.

    Thanks, Anita!

    #143719
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlie:

    You are very welcome. Do give him all the information you have, give him the link to Wikipedia’s “Tickle torture”- offer any other source of information he may further need, perhaps seeing… a neurologist professional to explain to him that the laughter following being tickled, often enough is not an indication of joy. Offer to him a visit to a couple counselor, if that is what it takes, for him to understand that your assertion regarding tickling is valid.

    Following all this information and offering of further information from professionals, if he tickles you once again, either he cannot control his compulsion and that is a big problem, or he intends to hurt you. There is a possibility, however slim (and I hope it is slim) that he wants to hurt you and he feels that he can get away with it because it is tickling and not hitting or verbal abuse.

    Be open to that slim possibility, as well as the other slim possibility, that it is a compulsion on his part that he needs help with. And please post again with an update on the matter.

    anita

    #143721
    Charlie
    Participant

    Great advice, as always, Anita! I will definitely post an update in a month or so and let you know how everything plays out. I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my issue and give me an informed and thoughtful response. Have a great day!

    Charlotte

    #143725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome and thank you, Charlotte, for the kind words- I still remember previous kindnesses in your writings to me,  and appreciate those very much. Have a good day yourself!

    anita

    #384208
    Kady
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for putting this here. Ever since I was a child I HATE BEING TICKLED. I feel very upset, powerless and in fact before even I read the science or history of Ticklish, I personally started to feel that tickling someone is a form of torture.

    My boyfriend tickled me so often in my private area and on my breast. In one occasion it happened in a shopping centre where I was extremely upset that I nearly shout at him in a public place. I went to the bathroom and cried seriously as I though at that time I must have a problem with my body. I have told me in numerous occasions not to do it but he keeps doing it. This has led to a point where I avoid sitting very close to him and has now affect the level of affection I use to show him. Obviously this has affect the level of intimacy between us. He tickled me badly last night where I cried and felt like he is abusing me. I am feeling that it is something that he will never understand and I am about to break up with him because of this as I feel abused. He argued that I am being too sensitive and moody as his exes liked it. Now that I have read this post I believe he has an intellectual issue not to understand how I feel and I cannot accept this behaviours.

    Thank you again for putting this together.

    Kady

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