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I almost allowed him to destroy me

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #146133

    Birdy
    Participant

    Towards the end of 2013 I went through a traumatic break up which was caused by the cheating of an ex boyfriend I was dating for at least 6 months, so I decided to remain single – beginning of the next year 2014 until my wounds had healed enough just to have some time to myself without interacting or even entertaining the opposite sex, though it wasn’t an easy period of my life at the time as I was still vulnerable and still grappling at the horrible events that took place which lead to my break up but to cut the long story short. We arrived at a social event one day together only to end up leaving separately due to a huge argument and with accusations thrown in the air , he left me there at the event discarding and throwing away all my personal belongings including my cell phone and handbag  from his car and with almost getting harassed by a few drunk unruly immature men as I tried to make an exit from this event I was thankful to be saved by security and my dad who came to fetch me at the nearest exit. So I was vulnerable , hurt and upset but started confiding in a male friend who I’d met through mutual friends a few years before and honestly it felt refreshing to talk to someone and get everything I had piled up emotionally off my chest. But as time went on we started texting frequently more and more each day – things were taking a different and unexpected turn and I was starting to realise that I was becoming attracted to him the more we communicated and we decided that we’d start “hanging out” absolutely hate the term “friends with benefits” but truthfully that is what we were to each other and  although I was still dealing with the after effects of my break up (I didn’t really give myself enough time to heal) But I didn’t really think of the harm of trying something new either it was my first time doing something like this and it was happening at a faster rate than expected. As months tumbled on we spent more time together wine-ing and dining eating and drinking out at different restaurants on the weekends It felt kind of good to have some wholesome male attention after the last horrific trainwreck of a relationship I was in and with my initial string of a few bad relationships in the past it was the first time I actually felt special quite some time lapsed and I started to realised that I was breaking my own rules but I started falling for him which would later prove to be one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made but I had to be honest about how I truly felt so I summed up enough courage to tell him but to my dismay he continued to tell me that “he wasn’t ready for a relationship” and we should rather ride the wave instead so I did ,  though I was a bit disappointed we stayed in our little arrangement though it was confusing because he had asked me the night before  “What I really wanted out of this?” before I could tell him how I really felt the day after which was a little misleading even though the initial reason of all of this was “to have fun” with zero boundaries. Things started taking a more confusing turn the deeper I sunk into it , I was starting to lose myself more than I’ve ever had before I couldn’t even recognise myself and I was becoming angrier and angrier not only at the can of worms I had just opened, not only at him but at myself .

    A few people I confided in about the situation I was in tried to endlessly talk to me about how toxic things would become especially knowing that he had a rather bad track record when it came to females and relationships he was more of a floater who had quite a lot of female friends(which I was completely uncomfortable with not that I had a right to be because I quote ‘it wasn’t my place to be uncomfortable with who he associates with because we were never in a relationship” and painfully he was right) and “acquaintances ” as he would say – probably specific woman “that were possible potentials to sleep with or certain females he enjoyed spending time with other than me he’s a man of many options not the type to be tied down or controlled”- he jumps from one “female situation” to the next regarding women as “bad bitches” and claiming to only being attracted to “those kinds of women” he started making me feel more like an object of sexual lust because now it was becoming quite obvious to me that how I looked was more impressionable to him than anything else and with my observant nature and straight talking  feisty attitude it didn’t take long to voice out how I was really feeling at which he was stunned by my outspoken personality or even the fact that I could even stand up to him and say what I needed to say when I wanted to say which he deemed as disrespectful because he claims “no woman has ever spoken to him the way I’d speak to him which indicated that I wasn’t “afraid of him” which was comical because why did I feel like I needed to be intimidated by him?

    Things were starting to turn sour at first he was charming something completely different from what I was starting to observe about him at a later stage of this situation we were in , he deemed himself as a ‘control freak’ and clearly by how he moved and acted he clearly seemed like the type of guy who usually got his way with women like the typical bachelor . He gradually started picking me to pieces criticizing my choice of fashion when it came to certain colours like black which he would say was EMO or GOTH , he criticized my past constantly questioning and even judging me on my past mistakes like he was so clean and saintly he out of all people was the last person to ridicule me about my mistakes , criticizing my character and personality and even my cultural background (something I had no control over – no one chooses to be born in a certain ethnic group or cultural group it just happens so that you are who you are ) He’d make negative and disrespectful comments about the cultural background I’m from stating that girls from my specific cultural group weren’t to be proposed to or even to be considered for relationship purposes because of how wayward we are because we are deemed to be associated with being gold digging , heavy drinking , witchcraft loving and loose kind of women he would even go as far as even subliminally demean and poke fun at me via social media statuses , he even once claimed that I’d tried to poison or spike his food and that he doesn’t trust my cooking and even accused me of stealing from him the more he picked me apart and even asking me ‘why I’m not like the other girls’ my self esteem and self respect diminished completely I felt like I needed to be validated and as he would say ‘show more effort” I had to ‘work my way up like I had something to prove just to give more effort to someone who had nothing else to offer other than just sex and company on lonely nights mixed with cheap whiskey and bad decisions I always regretted the morning after , he distanced himself from getting to know me and stereotyped me , but regardless of how negative he was towards me he never stopped being intimate with me , knowing how I really felt about him , I’d try to leave the situation and turn my back on him but he would always text and throw in apologies claiming he wanted peace and our friendship back only to fall back into the same old cycle of still wanting intimacy and effort he simply he didn’t deserve , giving me terms and conditions of how I was suppose to act and how he tried to make me feel like I belonged to him and for us to give it a try or a chance at being something established only to still claim whenever he felt like it that “he’d never grow to love me’ and we never official , this would tear me apart , I was mislead on so many levels it sickened me I was becoming erratic with frustration and anger and constantly lashing out and swearing at him no man has ever treated me with such disrespect and claimed to other people and me to have respected me , I was beyond stunned. After being off and on again and off again I officially had to make the decision to finally walk away and completely block him out of existence not because of spitefulness of bitterness but because I needed to change , I needed to find myself again I needed to build back what was broken and pour back the love and self respect back into myself. I realized that I had completely neglected myself because I was trying to change myself for this person , I was acting out of character abusing alcohol having emotional outbursts and even stooping as low as airing my dirty laundry to other individuals just to destroy him out of spite I was becoming the exact person who hurt me , it was the darkest yet most enlightening time of life that made quite a lot of things clear to me to me too.

    I’m still battling to forgive and still angered after so long I thought I would simply be over everything by now but I’m still in pain , but everyday is a learning curve with him not taking any accountability and responsibility for his actions I guess I just learned to find closure on my own and still trying to find it to finally close off this chapter in my life and start a fresh

    why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?

     

    #146191

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Birdy:

    You wrote toward the end of your share: “I officially had to make the decision to finally walk away and completely block him out of existence”- does this mean that you have no contact with him, that he is out of your life? If so, how long has it been so? And what was his reaction to you ending this relationship?

    You asked: “why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?”-

    If this relationship is still ongoing, it would be a different answer, perhaps. So please let me know.

    anita

    #146219

    Birdy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    To answer your first question of if I no longer have any communication with him , the answer is “No” I also ended all social media communication with him as well.

    I needed time to myself and i still do but at the same time I had to officially move on too the situation between me and him ended after a huge blow up of an argument around towards the end of July of 2016 there hasn’t been any communication from my side since then , after our deal breaker of an argument he blocked my number and I wouldn’t of known of how he’s real reaction was like because he refused to see me during that course of the time even refused to see me on my birthday on the 11th of July tried to arrange to see him to talk in person many times but with no luck this all happened over the phone via text..

    the duration of when “the relationship” started was around September of 2014 on and off again until July of 2016 and the situationship is officially over

    though he tried to reach out to me in March this year via text , I avoided all communication with him

     

     

     

    <span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>I’m just still dealing with the after effects of it all I just don’t know why healing has taken this long and why I find it so hard to forgive him.</span>

    #146259

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Birdy:

    I am confused about which man you are referring to. Your relationship with the earlier man ended in 2013 with the huge argument and him discarding your personal belonging out of his car during a social event.

    When I asked if you are still in contact with “him” I meant the second man. I think I am getting this as I type, there was “a huge blowup” with the second guy in July 2016.

    You asked then, regarding the second guy: “why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?”

    Maybe because after the 2013 blowup with the first guy you had a second guy to talk to right away, but since July 2016, the blowup with the second guy, there is no third guy to talk to, no one to distract you from loneliness, from the anxiety of being alone.

    The second guy reads like someone no woman should be in a relationship with. He was terribly disrespectful at best. Lots of women settle for all kinds of men so to not be alone and maybe you endured his disrespect for so long because it hurts more to be alone?

    anita

     

    #146263

    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    It sounds to me like he is a narcissist and believe me, just keep on staying away.  Very toxic people they are and hurtful and they have no empathy, nor can they love anyone besides themselves, and they don’t even love themselves.  they are very smart, and can talk the talk to get you hooked but once you are then the hurting begins.  The silent treatment, the never ever taking the blame for anything, the slow but sure loss of who you are.  It’s the hardest kind of relationship to get over because they keep you from ever underestanding them.  It keeps you off balance and feeling that if you can just once say the right thing he would turn back into the man or woman you fell for.  But they won’t because that person isn’t real, it’s all a game.  Study up on it on and see if that might apply.  I was married to one for 16 years, we are divorced now because he tossed me in the trash, and didn’t even look back.  I’m still fighting everyday to get back to my life, it’s pure complete hell but that is what they thrive on.  They go for sensitive people, empathic people, and they use all sort of tactics to get fuel from you.

    #146407

    Birdy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The person I’ve been referring to all along is Ex number 2 : The one I broke things off with in July 2016 “disrespectful one” he is the one I cut all ties with  – things in that situation also ended badly as well, I just mentioned the previous relationship with Ex number 1 (the one who threw all my things away at a social event) just to illustrate and elaborate on how vulnerable I was when I entered into the second relationship with (Ex number 2) and in which you were right when you mentioned “the anxiety of being alone” which is why I ended up jumping into another situation so quickly after I’d broken up with someone else at the time but in all honestly Anita being alone is not what truly scares me anymore because my previous relationship with (Ex number 2 ) taught me quite a lot about myself and how acquiring enough space and time to heal is vital. What scares me the most is the transitional process of change when someone else who is special pops up in my life again , I’d like to be in a healthy relationship one day having to have dealt with my emotions and insecurity during this time, just so that I wont sabotage something good in the future because I’m still dwelling in the past , there is nothing more difficult than forgiveness for this person(Ex number 2) especially with a person that has hurt me this much.

    #146411

    Birdy
    Participant

    Dear Pamela

    I can clearly relate with everything you have just wrote about being in a relationship with a narcissist, I never really realised who he really was until he started mistreating me , they take more energy from you and give back no effort whatsoever except for criticism and judgement. I was with this person on and off for over a year and I constantly either kept on buying into everything he manipulated me into or I’d somehow feel so bad that I’d end up crawling back to him even though I did nothing wrong even being myself wasn’t enough I had to be the person he wanted me to be even though I not even once judged or criticized him about his character or personality which was pretty unfair , it’s usually a painful time after the break up and cutting all ties with the person but its definitely worth it, I hope you’ve started finding inner peace as well I sure it wasn’t easy going through the process of a divorce and starting a new chapter.

    But with so much history of emotional abuse is it ever wise or possible to still be “friends” with someone like a narcissist?

    I honestly don’t think so but I’d really someone else’s opinion  especially in my case since I’ve completely cut all ties with him

    he still reaches out to me for “friendship” I just don’t understand why

    #146439

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Birdy:

    I re-read your posts for better understanding. Your original question was: “why does it hurt more than any other failed relationship that I’ve ever encountered before?”- maybe it hurts more because you gave up more of yourself, submitted yourself more to the recent man than with men before. That submission, self abandonment/ betrayal may be what hurts more, and what angers you so.

    In your last post you wrote: “I’d like to be in a healthy relationship one day having to have dealt with my emotions and insecurity during this time, just so that I wont sabotage something good in the future”-

    This is my input regarding what you can do to have a healthy relationship in the future:

    One thing:,you will have to evaluate a man for decency before getting involved with him. If you have an indecent, dishonest, disrespectful man, there is nothing you can do to make it a healthy relationship.

    Second thing: I recognize a pattern in your behavior that you may want to consider. Reads to me that you first submit to a man, abandon yourself, display passivity, so to enjoy whatever attention is available to you. And then you get angry, aggressive.

    Unless you become assertive right from the beginning of a future relationship, you are likely to fall into the same pattern: passivity leading to aggressiveness, even with a decent man.

    This is the evidence for that pattern. In 2013 with the previous boyfriend: “a huge argument and with accusations thrown in the air , he left me there at the event discarding and throwing away all my personal belongings including my cell phone and handbag  from his car”- clearly he did those things following some very angry input on your part.

    With the recent boyfriend: “I was becoming angrier and angrier …with my… straight talking  feisty attitude it didn’t take long to voice out how I was really feeling at which he was stunned by my outspoken personality…that I could even stand up to him…I was becoming erratic with frustration and anger and constantly lashing out and swearing at him …the situation between me and him ended after a huge blow up of an argument around towards the end of July of 2016” – first, submission then aggression.

    Your thoughts/ feelings?

    anita

     

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