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Pamela Lame

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  • #168650
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    I sure can identify with you Kindle, I share some of the same worries, it’s not always fun being single.  But at this point in my life I’m trying to learn to be okay with it.  I feel that things happen for reasons we don’t understand, and maybe by taking this time and using it in a positive way, by trying to get to know myself a little better.  I went through a very miserable and heartbreaking divorce as well and like you, I’m very cautious and untrusting now.  Mainly untrusting of my own judgement, but I”m finding as time passes that I am okay being single.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick and am realizing that what I was looking for in my marriage was someone who could make me happy and who I could make happy as well.  But that isn’t how it works, the only person who can make you happy is yourself, happiness doesn’t come from the outside, it comes from inside.  The same with love, it is something that also comes from the inside.  So, I am trying to learn to first love myself and believe that I am worthwhile person, deserving of all the joy there is as much as anyone else.  Maybe someday I will feel confident enough in my own body that I won’t attract people that only prey on my weaknesses, but who will honor me as I do myself.  And of course, if that happens, it will feel right to honor them as well.

    #164098
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    Hi Desperate,

    I completely feel for you, I’ve been there, I’m still there, but a little further along on the road and maybe I can help you with some of what I have learned since my ex dumped me.  You situation sounds a lot like mine, and I reacted much the same as you at first.  I thought I was going to die when it all started and I longed for it and I thought that I was broken so badly I couldn’t ever be fixed.  And like you, the way it happened was so scary and I felt so alone and so unloved and my mind just wouldn’t shut off.  I was continually trying to figure out what I did that was so bad and honestly, I couldn’t find what it was.

    I started searching on the internet because I couldn’t even talk to people, no one believed that it could happen like it did and they all thought I was either crazy or just being spiteful and making him the bad guy.  I ended up with no one at all to talk to about what was going on either and again I didn’t know how I could live without even a friend to count on.  But like I said, I started doing a lot of reading and asking questions and I found out that my husband has a personality disorder.  Narcissism.  Yes, it’s real and it absolutely the worst thing I think a person can go through.  Your husband sounds a lot like mine.  He went from being a loving, or what I thought was loving husband to someone I didn’t know anymore.  He hated me, I could see it in his eyes and although he didn’t say those exact words, he left no doubt that he could care less about me.  And I came to find out later that he didn’t even know what love was.  I know this sounds so awful and it hurts so badly to think about them like that, but it happened to me and I have found out that there are a lot of people going through this exact same thing.       I’m not sure how long you were married, I was for 17 years and thought we had made it that far, we could go the distance, but that’s not how it worked out and I’m still fighting to understand it, to maybe get some closure at least, but he isn’t sorry, he takes no responsibility for any part of our divorce, he completely blames me.  Anyway, there is some very good information out there and you can check it out and maybe see if he has the same problem my ex does.  Either way you need to find a direction to go and this might help you figure out your next step.

    Here are a couple of links that might help you figure out whats going on.

    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com

    The above one has a lot of articles and information.

    When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt

    This one has some great information too and there are people to talk to in the reply section that can really help you understand and let you know you aren’t alone.

    And you can keep in touch with me here too, I know there is some good information right on this website as well.

    Just know that you aren’t alone in this and it will get better, I promise.

    Pam

     

    #149043
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    It sounds to me like he isn’t real interested or else he wants to keep you hanging.  You can’t fix him, and if he cared enough about you, he would have let you know what was going on.  It doesn’t take much energy to send a short text.  If he is already holding out on you with his emotions, I would take that as a red flag.  I mean, after all, what can he do for his friend that takes so much of his time that he can’t even answer you.  Especially since you said he had posted on other social media.  Don’t call him, don’t chase him and don’t let him hurt you anymore.  You feel in your gut something is wrong, trust your gut.  I repeat, you can’t help him,, only he can do that and he isn’t asking for your help.  And more than likely you won’t get any closure either.  He wants you when he wants you and to do that he has to keep you hanging around.  Ask yourself this:  Who is doing most of the work in your relationship with this guy?  You are calling him, you are driving there, is this what sounds like a good relationship to you?  I’ve been there, and perhaps I am being overly untrusting, but to me that is a huge red flag and you need to cut your losses.  If nothing else, don’t call him, let him do the leg work, see how hard he will try.  Test it out.  Don’t take my word on it but please do listen to your gut, it doesn’t lie.  Sending you the best wishes I  can and blessings that all will turn out for you.

    #146263
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    It sounds to me like he is a narcissist and believe me, just keep on staying away.  Very toxic people they are and hurtful and they have no empathy, nor can they love anyone besides themselves, and they don’t even love themselves.  they are very smart, and can talk the talk to get you hooked but once you are then the hurting begins.  The silent treatment, the never ever taking the blame for anything, the slow but sure loss of who you are.  It’s the hardest kind of relationship to get over because they keep you from ever underestanding them.  It keeps you off balance and feeling that if you can just once say the right thing he would turn back into the man or woman you fell for.  But they won’t because that person isn’t real, it’s all a game.  Study up on it on and see if that might apply.  I was married to one for 16 years, we are divorced now because he tossed me in the trash, and didn’t even look back.  I’m still fighting everyday to get back to my life, it’s pure complete hell but that is what they thrive on.  They go for sensitive people, empathic people, and they use all sort of tactics to get fuel from you.

    #129293
    Pamela Lame
    Participant

    Hi Johannah7, It’s been recently that I went through something similar to you. And it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through, I wasn’t sure I could even survive or if I wanted to. But I am here so you can see I made it. It sounds to me you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of life you are willing to live. If he truly loved you, he would have done everything he could to keep you, and to make you happy. I can’t say it won’t change, but I can say the odds are he won’t change. I believe he is doing the very same thing to the other girl too, and he is playing a game to keep you both tied onto his leash. It’s how he lives and breathes and it isn’t love with him. He says the same things to her that he says to you, and there isn’t what I call love in anything you have to say about him. You can’t change him, and you can’t change yourself to fix what his problem is and this is what is most likely making you sick as well. You are the only one that can decide what you are willing to do and how you will allow yourself to be treated. This man is toxic for you. And it is not love. Love means they want you to be happy, no matter what. And he doesn’t do that, nor does it sound like he is emotionally available to you. There are people like that and because you are the person you are, most likely a good heart, very empathic, that is what they are drawn to. Do a search online for Narcissitic personality disorder. You might see him described there. If he fits the picture, you need to let go of him. I wish you the best, it’s a tough one, but you can do it.

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