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I always feel off

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  • #85494
    Leanne
    Participant

    I noticed that when I am with my boyfriend I get a feeling like somethings wrong or something needs to be wrong. Usually there isn’t at all but the feeling is really there. I try to be present to sit with the feeling but all that ends up happening is I feel detached from reality. I would like to know how I can quell this feeling, to get on and enjoy myself when he is around. I know I would if this feeling would not be there. Its nothing to do with him, its just my emotions.

    Thanks

    #85496
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leanne:

    This off feeling, like there is something wrong when you are with your boyfriend and the detachment from reality, the dissociation, sounds to me like a Left-Over-Feeling/ experience from childhood, from an attachment relationship in your childhood that was wrong and caused you then to dissociate. An experience that gets reactivated now. What do you think?

    anita

    #85512
    Leanne
    Participant

    I’m not quite sure, I guess whenever I went to hang out with friends I would always be really anxious of if they were having fun and if I was being good enough for them. However I never had many friends at all so I’m not sure if that would really be it. I never really had attachment relationships in my life too much. I have gotten over most of the feelings of im not good enough etc. which is why I am wondering what is going on. I get nervous before he comes to see me which is odd because I have been with him for two years. I guess I just really don’t want to lose control of the situation, I am in fear of what could happen. I still don’t know how I can channel that feeling into something positive though.

    -Leanne

    #85513
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leanne:

    What was your relationships with your mother, your father when you were a child? How are those relationships now? The answers are most likely there.

    anita

    #85514
    Leanne
    Participant

    My dad was not the best, he was nice but he could also be incredibly mean. Calling names etc etc. I have worked a lot to get past this as my relationship with my dad now is great, we have coffee together and talk a fair bit. My mum used to get stressed and yell about things that never really mattered but over time she has changed, she is a very nice person that I spend a lot of time with. As of late I have had little to no problems with my parents. Sure they made life hard as a kid but that was just the way it went and its certainly not that way now.

    #85516
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leanne:

    One’s early relationship with one’s parents is very powerful. It literally creates connections in the brain between nerve cells, connections that keep firing into adulthood.

    Has your boyfriend called you names? Yelled at you? Abused you in any other way? Some other person before your bf or otherwise?

    If not, when you were a child and your father called you names and your mother yelled at you, repeatedly enough, as a child you did not feel safe, you were scared to be called names and yelled at. You didn’t know when that will happen so you were anxious. When you were yelled at or called names you probably tried to not be there, that is you spaced out, detach yourself. These emotions imprinted in your brain via neural connections get activated when you are together with your bf.

    In that case, insight, understanding, skills, therapy perhaps… can help with your current “always feeling off” with your boyfriend.
    anita

    #85519
    lovelimess
    Participant

    If something “feels off” it usually is, in my opinion.

    Don’t waste too much time in relationships that don’t feel right.
    It’s hard to end things when you haven’t been wronged/ there is nothing particularly wrong in the relationship, but why invest more time into something that doesn’t feel completely right.

    I wish I would have been quicker on the draw when it came to ending relationships. Things feeling “off” are a good sign that it’s not the relationship for you. Learn from it and wish them fair well… Good Luck.

    ~LM

    #85527
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Dear Leanne,

    First I want to offer a lotus for you for your bravery in sharing.

    I am also currently suffering from having a “disconnect” with my partner. I realize that even though he is present with me, many times I feel “off”. I also attribute this to my past with my parents. It could also be something passed down from our grandparents & ancestors, because they were more focused on survival rather than how to deal with our emotions. We are lucky in this generation that we are able to sit & recognize it. Recognition is already a big step!

    How do we deal with it? We need to cultivate more “self-love”. Because we feel that our partner is a trigger, we need to first love and nurture ourselves. We need to take care of our inner child and find joy within ourselves. We can find beauty in nature, in talking to nurturing friends, in walking or just enjoying the food we are consuming…then we begin to feel the love from the world around us and know that our existence is precious. Once we have a strong “self-love”, then we can begin to explore our relationship with our partner. We try and let go of any expectation of our partner and just try to “be”. A calm moment together in silence can already be very nourishing.

    I wish you the best of luck Leanne! Reading your post has helped me as well as I was feeling alone on the path.

    Thank you,
    Jennifer

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Jennifer.
    #85559
    Leanne
    Participant

    Oh no he never yells at me, he is by far the nicest person I have ever met and he loves me. I wouldn’t doubt that for a second and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I just don’t feel present I suppose and I really would like to. I guess the week has been stressful and most of the time I am always worried about one thing or another but I did not get a chance in the past week to do anything for myself I have been so busy. I just want to let go, not worry about anything just be there. I know that everything is okay. I just have to make some time for myself and stay as present as I can(when I have been neglecting being present throughout most the week). Thank you for all your advice it is muchly appreciated and I hope you all have a wonderful day 🙂

    #85560
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Leanne ^^! I’m glad your feeling better. You’ve got some amazing advice here. I can’t use any love experience, since I’ve never had a boyfriend, but what I will say is that every relationship goes through a rough patch. As long as love and intimacy is still present, things can get back on track. All there needs to be is some work from both you and your boyfriend. I hope that all will go well in the future!

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