I would try not to be hard on yourself. You were single when this happened, correct?  So it’s absolutely nothing like what your ex did to you. I also wouldn’t feel guilty about the other person being in a relationship, because, although that’s definitely not a good thing to do when you have your wits about you, it’s ultimately up to the person in the relationship not to stray, not the person they’re straying with.

Do you think your guilt could actually be coming from your intention for doing it rather than the actual act, that you were intending to hurt someone by doing it? Alcohol and pain can certainly cause us to do things that are out of character, so that may be why you are so disappointed, but the fact is, you definitely can’t go back in time and change it. It’s okay to give yourself permission to forgive yourself and let this one go. From the sounds of it, it’s not something that you would usually do if you weren’t influenced by both alcohol and pain, so just accept that that caused you to act out of character and then just stay away from alcohol until you’re feeling much better.

I’ve done things in the past under the influence of alcohol combined with pain that I regretted for a while after, but you do get over it. You can literally grow from ANYTHING and become a better person if you take the lesson from it, make a change for the better, and forgive yourself. 🙂

What do you suppose makes you feel dependent on alcohol? or what makes you want to drink? For example, is it just because you like the loosened-up feeling or does it make you forget things or is it more of a social thing?

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Valora.

Dear SeekingSolace:

You can “grow to be a better person from this”.

Let’s see  what  happened here: a girlfriend cheated  on  you, the relationship ended. You were angry, placed your anger in a room, so  to  speak, closed  the door on it and made a decision, to “use the extra time to  focus on my studies and do big things with my degree”. Next  you were  out drinking, the door of that room opened, the anger left the room and made itself  known,  Here I Am! And you “acted completely against  my principles”.

If we were robots, 100% rational creatures without the …  interruptive quality of emotions, decisions will be easy to keep on and  on, no time limit. But we are  emotional beings.  Even without the alcohol, your anger would have come up somehow, interrupting your decision somewhat. Maybe worse.

You expressed an unrealistic expectations from yourself, the expectation of operating like a robot. “it’s had  me questioning myself as a person”- I would say, question the behavior, as you did, make mental notes and  adjustments so that this particular mistake, or a similar one doesn’t happen in the future. Aim at making less mistakes, but aiming at no mistakes will cause you unnecessary distress.  As a matter  of fact, expecting to not make  mistakes, to  operate like a robot, uninterrupted by emotions,  is in itself… a big mistake, one that is hurting you and  will harm you if you repeat this one  mistake.

Aim at being  a better  person, tend to your emotions, they don’t disappear, they do have a say in how we behave and what we do, so listen to them, incorporate them into your decision making so to make your decisions wiser. Wisdom is Rational and Emotional understanding, not one or the other.

What do you think?

anita

I have recognised today that ultimately the person who is in a relationship is more at fault here than I am. The guilt is mostly coming from the fact that I felt a lot of anger towards the person that my ex strayed with, and this has made me feel like a hypocrite.

I think it’s pretty natural to have some anger toward the person they cheated with. That’s just a response seemingly everyone has when that happens. I had an ex when I was younger that used to cheat on me constantly, 8 different girls that I know of. I was too stupid to leave back then. I used to get mad at the girls until I finally realized it wasn’t them, it was him. Most of them didn’t know me so why should they care about me or my relationship? Even the ones that did know me, the blame was still squarely on my boyfriend at the time. It was HIM that was supposed to be remaining faithful. It wasn’t up to the girls to make sure he did.

I am certain that my alcohol dependency comes mainly from two things; social anxiety and there being seemingly not much else to do socially where I live.

Alcohol gives me a false sense of confidence that I do not have while sober. It brings me out of my shell for a bit but then I end up doing things that I regret. I have always believed very strongly that people who do bad things when they drink simply should not, but I now realise that this is easier said than done.

I have been out to a drinking occasion before where I just had one drink as I want driving home. It was probably one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had with this particular group of friends and it was wonderful the next day to be able to remember everything and know that I did nothing out of character.

I totally understand this, too. I also live in a small area where there isn’t a whole lot to do other than go out to bars or stay home and watch movies, and alcohol brings me out of my shell, too, because I tend to be a little more subdued when I’m uncomfortable. Alcohol makes me feel comfortable. A little too comfortable. haha. I’ve made many mistakes over the years from being under the influence. Heck, one of my kids came from drinking too much one night (wouldn’t change it for the world, though). lol. I never ever drink anymore if I’m upset or sad in any way because I’ve learned that’s when I tend to make my biggest mistakes under the influence.

Over the years, though, I’ve also learned the key is to just drink that one drink to loosen you up just a tad (or two if you have a higher tolerance)… and then switch to something nonalcoholic. I have a lot of friends in bands and I love to go listen to them play, so I’ll just drink a screwdriver or something when I get there, and then I switch to just orange juice. That way I have something in my hand still to drink (so it tricks my brain into feeling like I’m drinking and I LOOK like I’m drinking as well. haha) but yet I’m not actually getting intoxicated. By the time it’s time to leave, that first and only alcoholic drink has worn off, I’ve had a great time, and I feel great the next day.  Maybe give that a try the next time you go out?