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I am about to graduate & I ‘ve never dated

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  • #381326
    V
    Participant

    Hi guys

    I am new here and this is my first post ever (woohoo!). However, I have been using this website for emotional/mental support (blogs/reading other people’s replies/posts) for a while now. This space has become like a safety net where I can fall back whenever I am going through a tough time. I feel so uplifted after reading stuff from this site, so thankful for everyone who writes and shares here 🙂

    I am a college senior (just turned 21!) studying environment and development, and I have never dated in my life, like ever. I have never paid much attention to this but recently I have started to think more and more about this, partly due to friends.  It’s not because I wasn’t allowed to something, but I realized that I never really wanted to date. Relationships for me are a big thing, and I am only interested in the long haul. When I do go in a relationship, I want to give it my all. There are a couple of reasons I haven’t actively been interested in dating: first, this is just a personal opinion, I think before going into a relationship, I want to develop myself professionally, mentally, and emotionally to the fullest. I am turning into an adult, but at the same time, I see that I am just a kid in the scheme of life. I want to make something of myself, become financially and emotionally stable and secure, and then invite another person into my life. This is the time to focus on my career, build a strong foundation for my life and follow my purpose (which is working in climate change and sustainability). Second: I believe in the law of attraction. I don’t mean to sound superior or anything, but I want to attract the best possible partner (as everyone of course). I don’t think I am at my best self yet and want to first improve and become the person I want to before looking for my partner. Be my best self to attract the right person. Also, I am a huge believer that self-love needs to come before love. And I am not completely confident and secure in my body, in my abilities and personality. I know I have a lot of insecurities, and I just don’t think I can handle a relationship with those feelings at the same time. I also realize I am afraid to put myself out there and think who would like me?

    The point of this huge story was to ask you guys if this kind of thinking is weird..? As far as I know, I am the only one in the my social circle to not have dated, not even a single blind date or anything. I am trying to hold onto my beliefs but I am struggling with this. Am I missing out on not dating in this age? Some people also tell me that I may never know what I want out of a relationship if I never try. I am clear with what I want out of life and my partner, but will it be too late if I start becoming open for a relationship after like 25? Any thoughts?

    I appreciate anyone who gave the time to read my post. I would love to hear all your thoughts on this! <3 <3

    #381394
    anita
    Participant

    Dear V:

    Welcome to the forums!

    Your plan is: “to develop myself professionally, mentally, and emotionally to the fullest… to.. become financially and emotionally stable and secure.. focus on my career, build a strong foundation for my life and follow my purpose (which is working in climate change and sustainability)”, “and then invite another person into my life”.

    You asked: “will it be too late if I start becoming open for a relationship after like 25? Any thoughts?”- I think that it is excellent that you focus on your studies and career before you venture into dating and a relationship, and there is nothing wrong for a young woman to not date before she is 25.

    “Am I missing out on not dating in this age? Some people also tell me that I may never know what I want out of a relationship if I never try“- first, trying at 25, in four years from now, is not “never”, second: you are not missing out on what lots of women experience as a result of dating: heartache, disappointment, unplanned pregnancies, etc.

    Part of your reasoning that it is better that you postpone dating is: “I am not completely confident and secure in my body, in my abilities and personality. I know I have a lot of insecurities, and I just don’t think I can handle a relationship with those feelings at the same time. I also realize I am afraid to put myself out there and think who would like me?”-

    – this is a good reason to indeed postpone dating until later. If you want to, and feel comfortable to elaborate on your lack of confidence/ insecurities, you are welcome to do so. If you address these insecurities, it may help you later, when you go on your first date.

    Your insecurities though are not likely to be fully resolved before you go on your first date, therefore it will be important for you to make ground rules for your dating, such as specifying disrespectful behaviors on the part of your date that will lead you to end the date immediately, or to not setting a second date with that person. Setting Dating Ground Rules (and making changes to them as needed over time)  will make you feel more secure when you start dating.

    “I believe in the law of attraction…  I want to attract the best possible partner (as everyone of course). I don’t think I am at my best self yet and want to first improve and become the person I want to before looking for my partner. Be my best self to attract the right person”- the Law of Attraction is a pseudoscience idea that says that our thoughts are “pure energy” that attract similar energy in other people, as in.. thoughts attract similar thoughts. Even if there is some truth to it (certain thoughts can produce a sincere smile in a person and a smile is often attractive to others), in the dating world, people are attracted to others for a complexity of reasons, many are physical. Two people are often attracted to each other for different reasons.

    I hope to read from you again, and thank you for your interest in climate change and for planning to work in the field!

    anita

    #381433
    V
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Thank you so much for reading and replying 🙂 I appreciate what you wrote for me and it definitely helped to hear your views.

    While thinking about what you wrote, I think my biggest insecurities are physical. I don’t hate my body (I am very grateful for a healthy working body), but I am not exactly comfortable with it either. I recognize many of hesitations comes from the physical aspect and I have started to work on them, losing weight being the biggest one. I have decided to work on myself physically until I graduate to overcome my fears and insecurities.

    Also, I never thought about setting ground rules for dating. I love that idea and I want to think about those before I start to date. I usually feel confident in my reasonings not to date right now, but sometimes I tend to lose sight of that because literally every other person is dating or has dated. Makes me feel if I am wrong or committing  a mistake, you know? But I know first dealing with my stuff will only help me in the long run.

    Thank you for your words!

    #381436
    Roro
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Heya!
    I think it is really important to work on yourself before you try and start dating.
    You probably won’t address all your big insecurities and such before you start dating but dating can help with a lot of these things to! It can help you learn more about yourself and you can learn whatever it is you’re looking for!
    In my personal opinion I think if you don’t have the headspace to potentially invite someone into your life then maybe hold off a little bit.</p>
     

     

     

    #381445
    anita
    Participant

    Dear V:

    You are very welcome. Regarding not feeling comfortable with your body, biggest discomfort being your weight- take your time and do what you can to be more and more comfortable with your body. I felt it myself and seen many women and men feeling it- an emotional elation, a very, very good feeling when losing a significant amount of weight. And the good feeling lasts on and on! Yet, I don’t know of anyone who is completely comfortable with his/ her body.. there’s always something that.. isn’t quite right. So, we do what we can and accept the likelihood that our comfort and contentment with our bodies will never be perfect.

    “literally every other person is dating or has dated. Makes me feel if I am wrong or committing  a mistake, you know?”- you are not wrong and you are not committing a mistake. You read like a very mature young woman, especially considering you just turned 21.

    Also, if you look at the many threads in the relationship forum, you can easily see that that there is a whole lot of wrong and a lot of mistakes taking place within relationships, so focusing on your studies and career at 21 and for the next few years, is wise, and wise.. is right, not wrong.

    anita

    #381771
    Sue
    Participant

    I love Anita’s responses and agree with everything said. And I’m going to add another angle.

    I hear you loud and clear that you want to develop yourself as fully as you can before you add a relationship to the mix. While that does make a lot of sense, a potential flaw in that thinking is that part of how we develop as humans is through our relationships, and especially intimate relationships. These relationships help us clarify who we are and what matters to us, and we learn and grow from them.

    My concern is that you may think you’re not ready for a relationship because you’re not perfect enough yet. Could there be this element of perfectionism in your unconscious thoughts? While it definitely makes sense to not allow romantic relationships to derail you on your path, beware of “never enough” thinking.

    Too many people mold themselves to someone else’s life and priorities, and you’re not doing that, which is very good. But a good relationship expands opportunities and exposes you to new options and perspectives that you can’t access by yourself. So maybe rather than saying “no relationships,” you could think in terms of only making time for a relationship that seems like it will enhance your personal development rather than distract from it. That is truly the ideal, in my mind. My romantic partner should expand and enrich my life.

    Finally, as far as who will like you, you seem like a gem to me. You have such self-awareness and are obviously mature, thoughtful and smart. When you meet a similar person, they will be absolutely thrilled to find you, because those are rare traits.

    #381824
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Sue:

    It so happens that I love your response to V, perfectly worded, if I may say so. I hope that V reads your reply and responds to you, and I hope to read more from you.

    Dear V:

    I hope to read back from you too!

    anita

    #381827
    Sue
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita! The feeling is mutual.

    #381913
    V
    Participant

    Hi Roro – Thank you for taking the time to respond! I never gave much thought to how dating can also help me learn more about myself. Holding off for now sounds better for me personally.

    #381914
    V
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I really really appreciate your words. I wasn’t able to talk to anyone about this, and talking it out here has made me feel lighter and given me more clarity. Thinking over everything, I can see my physical insecurities being the biggest point. I think once I work over them in the next couple of years, it will help me open up and I can also focus on my career during this time. I observed how much more confident I feel when I am physically feeling and looking good, and I often miss that confidence. I am not saying that I am obsessed with physical looks and everything, but I was one of those girls who never paid any attention to looks and clothes until high school. Now that I am growing up, I am finding I want that physical confidence with me. It has been holding me back subconsciously in other areas of life too. Working on this and other insecurities/fear makes me feel much more confident and loving with myself.

    Sorry for the blabbering but THANK YOU for listening 🙂

    #381915
    V
    Participant

    Hi Sue!

    Your response bought a smile to my face <3.  Admittedly, I often apply the perfectionism thinking in my day-to-day work. I feel very satisfied when I give my best effort to everything – which is good but then definitely has its downfalls. I need to be more aware and remember not to hide behind this ‘not enough’ thinking or use it as an excuse. I will never reach a perfect version of myself obviously. Thank you for bringing that up.

    I have been so hesitant to be in a relationships that I think I have subconsciously closed off opening up to guys, which is not good. I do need to open myself to form a relationship in the future. I am realizing this has blocked my personal growth as well in the present. Funnily enough, I was just thinking about this last week, and planned to make a conscious effort to open myself up more to form deeper friendships. They really teach you more about yourself than you would expect.

    I felt so nice and grateful for your words. I really appreciate your time 🙂

    V

     

    #381924
    anita
    Participant

    Dear V:

    You are welcome to blabber, as you put it, anytime here on your thread. Regarding losing weight and feeling more comfortable and confident in your body, I will be glad to guide you best I can in figuring out what diet, eating habits and exercise fits you individually the best (instead of you trying to fit to any one of the many eating/ exercise plans out there). I have lots of experience on the matter, and I’ve been slender and in good physical shape for years. You can ask me questions on the matter anytime.

    anita

    #381950
    V
    Participant

    Anita,

    That is so kind of you 🙂 Thank you for everything, and I will definitely write to you again. Take care!

    #381952
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, V, thank you and take care of yourself as well.

    anita

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