Forum Replies Created
June 18, 2021 at 1:14 pm #381675
Of course, in your own time.June 18, 2021 at 12:46 pm #381673
hi Anita. yes, in some strange way I’m glad she wasn’t thoughtful about the holiday situation as it gave me a strong enough reason to leave the friendship. Otherwise I think I would still be holding onto this friendship and living with that bit of hope for a relationship. I’ve learnt now to be firmer, more decisive and more confident when I’m in similar situations.
‘In my experience communicating with you here, you are a decent, respectful, caring and romantic young man. I think that the woman who ends up with you will be fortunate.’ Thank you 😊 that’s kind of you to say.
I’ve seen you be of great help not just to myself but to others on the site. I was wondering what motivates you to do this? It’s really lovely and heartwarming to see.June 17, 2021 at 3:11 am #381588
Hi Anita! What you say about ‘at most a friendship is possible’ helped me with some closure so thank you for that. Thank you also for helping me clear up my uncertainty on her comments.
I met up with her today and I have now ended the friendship. It was the right decision for me. Before 2 months ago, when we were good friends, we decided that we, along with a couple of friends would go on holiday. When I ended it two months ago I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to go on holiday with her and she said she would ask me early July time whether I would like to go. Yesterday she told me that she’d found someone else and gone ahead and booked it anyway. This was quite hurtful to me and I felt angry and upset. I feel I don’t really have the time or energy to deal with someone like this. It’s just not worth it. She says that she just assumed that we weren’t friends anymore despite not being clear with me about it at all. She made this assumption because in the past she didn’t stay friends with others where either she or someone else developed feelings for the other. Everyone’s different with how they think and feel about these kind of things and I don’t understand how she can make this assumption. It seems inexcusable.
I will eventually forgive her in my heart but today, and probably the near future, is not the time.June 16, 2021 at 5:35 am #381533
Hey Anita, so got back a few hours ago from my meeting with my friend. I managed to get out everything I wanted to say. She said she started dating someone about a week ago as well. It makes a quite sad to be honest but I am also at peace with this sadness.
I did ask her whether she had feelings towards me when we were in a friendship. She responded by saying that she could’ve seen how it could’ve got to that point in the future and that she could’ve envisioned herself having feelings for me had we carried on talking. I think this promotes some uncertainty in me, whether I should’ve carried on talking despite how I felt. I know I did the right thing in the moment but it feels agonising to know this still.
I don’t really know how to proceed. I know there a couple things I still want to bring things up with her but I don’t want to rush into another meeting with her yet.
Thank youJune 14, 2021 at 1:11 pm #381470
Sure I will do. I shall let you know how it goes as well! Thank you for helping me dissect this situation and for your support.
I am beyond grateful that someone I don’t know has had such a positive impact on my life.June 14, 2021 at 11:59 am #381463
ok that makes complete sense thank youJune 14, 2021 at 11:20 am #381460
Thank you Anita. You’re very kind and thoughtful.
Thank you for giving me the confidence in what I am going to say.
I completely agree with what you said at the end regarding me saying how I’ve felt over the past 2 months is too much. I can’t seem to pinpoint why that may not be helpful to say? Could you help me understand this please?June 14, 2021 at 10:27 am #381452
I also thought about saying how I’ve felt during the past 2 months. How I’ve felt about us not talking. I’ve felt a lot of sadness and experienced a lot of memories about her. Though i don’t know if this is relevant.June 14, 2021 at 10:09 am #381448
I had in my head that it would just take the one meet up but it makes more sense that it might take longer.
I plan to say something along these lines:
‘So I have told you about my feelings for you but I’ve never actually explained them to you and that’s something I want to do. What I look for for a relationship, personally, is someone who is sensitive, kind and just a best friend. Whilst I wasn’t ticking off boxes when we did talk, you have all of those qualities which explains why I feel the way I do about you. I do care a lot about you but at the time (when we were friends) it just got all too much for me and there was just too much of a divide between what I was feeling for you and what our relationship actually was at the time. I still do have these feelings to be honest and that’s where I stand. You don’t have to say anything or answer right now I can understand that may be a lot’
Depending how things go I might ask her ‘Did you have any feelings towards me at any point or ever think about the possibility of a relationship?’, ‘Would you ever be open to the possibility of a relationship?’ and then repeating to her that she doesn’t have to answer those questions right now.June 14, 2021 at 7:55 am #381440
Thank you for helping me clear things up in my head a bit more. I think there was and is a large dichotomy between my objective and subjective experience and being exposed to that all the time heightened my anxiety a lot.
I am hoping to meet up with her on Wednesday. I have never fully explained my feelings towards her and I’m planning to discuss my feelings for her and why and where they come from. Doing that feels important to me. I want to find out what she thinks about me and whether she has had similar thoughts and feelings in the past. Do you think there is anything else that might be important to discuss?
Even though I do love her and care very deeply about her I’m unsure whether I would like a relationship with her. This doubt feels odd as I have incredibly strong feelings for her. We had a very very good friendship and were very respectful and kind to each other so I don’t know where this doubt comes from.June 14, 2021 at 5:23 am #381436
I think it is really important to work on yourself before you try and start dating.
You probably won’t address all your big insecurities and such before you start dating but dating can help with a lot of these things to! It can help you learn more about yourself and you can learn whatever it is you’re looking for!
In my personal opinion I think if you don’t have the headspace to potentially invite someone into your life then maybe hold off a little bit.June 13, 2021 at 8:25 pm #381428
So that period of us getting closer was purely friendship based but we talked over text everyday between 30mins-90mins a day. We video chatted a lot and whenever we were both at university we both met up a few times and hung out for the day. We got to know each other as intimately as you do with a friendship over a short period of time. We asked how ours days were, talked about our struggles and sufferings in life and we always had a laugh together.
It felt like a relationship but without the intimacy.June 13, 2021 at 7:42 pm #381426
Thank you for your reply Anita! 😊
yes I think you’re right it’s never occurred to me to find out exactly what she is looking for so thank you for pointing that out.
So when she reached out to me initially she wasn’t interested in persuing any relationship with me. But over the next few months we got closer and closer and then I couldn’t take it. I told her that I’m getting feelings for her and she said she wasn’t looking for a relationship at that moment in time.
So maybe it is clear that she doesn’t want a relationship but I don’t think we’ve communicated about this openly enough and I’m yet to find out exactly what she wants.
I would love some help in improving my communication with her thank you! ❤️June 13, 2021 at 6:07 pm #381422
.June 13, 2021 at 6:06 pm #381421
Hi Sarah thank you for taking the time to read and reply ❤️
I did tell her that I had feelings for her when I broke our friendship up and she said she wasn’t looking for a relationship at the point in her life. Maybe I do need more closure though.