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Mourning a relationship you never truly had

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Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)
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  • #381462
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roro:

    It is not helpful to say at this time, later- it may be okay. It is better to aim at communication as a bit at a time process. Think of communication like eating a meal with company: you don’t want to eat too fast and get choked or spill food all over the place, spitting ketchup on someone else’s dress, etc. One bite at a time, then put the fork and knife down and pay attention the people at the table, have a light conversation, then go back to your food. See my point?

    anita

    #381463
    Roro
    Participant

    ok that makes complete sense thank you

    #381465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roro:

    You are welcome. Post again tomorrow (a day before the meeting) if you want more of my advice, and later on Wednesday: I would like to know how it goes for you!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .
    #381470
    Roro
    Participant

    Sure I will do. I shall let you know how it goes as well! Thank you for helping me dissect this situation and for your support.

    I am beyond grateful that someone I don’t know has had such a positive impact on my life.

    #381474
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Again, you are welcome, Roro, and thank you for expressing your appreciation (it feels good to read it!) I am looking forward to your next post!

    anita

    #381533
    Roro
    Participant

    Hey Anita, so got back a few hours ago from my meeting with my friend. I managed to get out everything I wanted to say. She said she started dating someone about a week ago as well. It makes a quite sad to be honest but I am also at peace with this sadness.

    I did ask her whether she had feelings towards me when we were in a friendship. She responded by saying that she could’ve seen how it could’ve got to that point in the future and that she could’ve envisioned herself having feelings for me had we carried on talking. I think this promotes some uncertainty in me, whether I should’ve carried on talking despite how I felt. I know I did the right thing in the moment but it feels agonising to know this still.

    I don’t really know how to proceed. I know there a couple things I still want to bring things up with her but I don’t want to rush into another meeting with her yet.

    Thank you

     

    #381535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roro:

    “She responded by saying that she could’ve seen how it could’ve got to that point in the future and that she could’ve envisioned herself having feelings for me had we carried on talking”-

    -there are too many “could’ve” in her answer, and each could’ve has a maybe-if in it. All 3 could’ve-s are directed at a future that is no longer possible (you didn’t keep talking with her, and she has a new boyfriend). Therefore, her suggestion/ theory that she could’ve developed feelings for you- can never be tested. She is safe with her could’ve-if: these are just words for her, not a reality that can happen. It is common to answer a question like this in this could’ve/maybe-if way in these circumstances because the person answering doesn’t want to hurt the feeling of the person asking.

    Basically, her answer is: no, I did not have feeling for you when we were talking/ during our friendship.

    If she answered you honestly and directly as in the sentence right above, you would be clear, instead of uncertain: “I think this promotes some uncertainty in me, whether I should’ve carried on talking despite how I felt”. She answered you with a No guised as a Maybe-if, trying to lessen your hurt, but instead she caused you uncertainty (and the anxiety that goes with uncertainty).

    When asking people questions as you did (well done!), we don’t always get honest, direct answers, especially when it comes to emotions in the context of relationships. We have to interpret the answers so that they are clear in our minds.

    “I don’t really know how to proceed. I know there a couple things I still want to bring things up with her but I don’t want to rush into another meeting with her yet”- seems to me that the most you can have with her is a friendship, a friendship with no romantic ideas or sentiments.

    Take your time and please let me know what you think and feel about my answer, and overall, how you feel.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .
    #381588
    Roro
    Participant

    Hi Anita! What you say about ‘at most a friendship is possible’ helped me with some closure so thank you for that. Thank you also for helping me clear up my uncertainty on her comments.

     

    I met up with her today and I have now ended the friendship. It was the right decision for me. Before 2 months ago, when we were good friends,  we decided that we, along with a couple of friends would go on holiday. When I ended it two months ago I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to go on holiday with her and she said she would ask me early July time whether I would like to go. Yesterday she told me that she’d found someone else and gone ahead and booked it anyway. This was quite hurtful to me and I felt angry and upset. I feel I don’t really have the time or energy to deal with someone like this. It’s just not worth it. She says that she just assumed that we weren’t friends anymore despite not being clear with me about it at all. She made this assumption because in the past she didn’t stay friends with others where either she or someone else developed feelings for the other. Everyone’s different with how they think and feel about these kind of things and I don’t understand how she can make this assumption. It seems inexcusable.

    I will eventually forgive her in my heart but today, and probably the near future, is not the time.

    #381591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roro:

    You are welcome. I believe that you made the right decision ending the friendship with her. It is not possible to be just friends with someone for whom you have romantic feelings.

    She told you back in April that she will ask you in early July whether you wanted to go on a holiday trip with her and friends. She later found someone else to take your place, and without asking you if you wanted to go on the trip, she  proceeded to book the trip without you. “She says that she just assumed that we weren’t friends anymore”-

    – she should have asked you because she told you that she will ask you. On the face of it, her not asking you is not a terrible behavior if your friendship was questionable at the time, but it indicates, in my understanding, that she did not think of you as special enough to keep her word to you, and therefore, she is not The One for you (“She was the first person I’d ever been on a date with and I built up a lot of expectation in my head thinking she was ‘the one’”- original post).

    “Everyone’s different with how they think and feel about these kind of things”- The One would have remembered and cared to keep her word to you.

    “I will eventually forgive her in my heart but today, and probably the near future, is not the time”- that’s wise.

    In my experience communicating with you here, you are a decent, respectful, caring and romantic young man. I think that the woman who ends up with you will be fortunate. This woman is not the-one, but she is the first you ever dated, you are only 20, and you only need one woman to be..  the one.

    Feel free to post again anytime, on any topic, and I will be glad to reply to you.

    anita

    #381627
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My friend..

    Why such a young man as yourself is so attached to one object.

    Object means this or that person.

    All your troubles come from your need to keep. To hold. Own. Possess.

    Why you not confident to see that everything has limit. Something begins means that it also must have an ending.

    Did you not dare to think that another person more compatible with your nature is on the way.

    How to meet new possibilities if your grasping in the past of what was, or what might have been?

    Where is your confidence and courage to be grateful for the time you shared and keep looking ahead.

    Emotions of attachment to imagined outcomes becomes the prison of everyone.

    Why you don’t see you are also lucky? Keep your eyes and focus on your life my friend. Your purpose.

    This woman goes, means another will appear = Of Course.

    Emotions finish with one person means they wait to begin with another.

    There is no love in trying to possess anyone. Or keep.

    The love appears in the courage to let go. Allow the movement of the Life to take place.

    Not make difficulties for her life from the emotions of trying to keep.

    My friend.

    Relax with the life. Everything takes place. Everything appears on the time.

    Must courage. Confidence.

    Clean and clear your mind of all attachments. See the limit of all things.

    Keep going.

    Its ok.

     

    l

    #381673
    Roro
    Participant

    hi Anita. yes, in some strange way I’m glad she wasn’t thoughtful about the holiday situation as it gave me a strong enough reason to leave the friendship. Otherwise I think I would still be holding onto this friendship and living with that bit of hope for a relationship. I’ve learnt now to be firmer, more decisive and more confident when I’m in similar situations.

    ‘In my experience communicating with you here, you are a decent, respectful, caring and romantic young man. I think that the woman who ends up with you will be fortunate.’ Thank you 😊 that’s kind of you to say.

    I’ve seen you be of great help not just to myself but to others on the site. I was wondering what motivates you to do this? It’s really lovely and heartwarming to see.

    #381674
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roro:

    I will reply to your recent post in a few hours.

    anita

    #381675
    Roro
    Participant

    Of course, in your own time.

    #381676
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Roro:

    “living with that bit of hope for a relationship”, when there is evidence that such hope is not founded in reality- is a recipe for an ongoing heartache. I wouldn’t like that to be your situation.

    “I’ve learnt now to be firmer, more decisive and more confident when I’m in similar situations”- good to read this.

    About having told you that you are decent, etc.- you are welcome, and thank you for being decent, respectful and caring!

    “I’ve seen you be of great help not just to myself but to others on the site. I was wondering what motivates you to do this? It’s really lovely and heartwarming to see”- thank you. My greatest motivation by far is to learn about people’s motivations and behaviors through members’ spontaneous, unedited writings in context of their ongoing communication with me and with other members. The more I learn about others, the more I learn about me, and vice versa. This learning is my passion.

    anita

Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)

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