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I am always the bad guy with my mom

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  • October 29, 2018 at 4:52 pm #234411
    Katie
    Participant

    I didn’t know where else to go. I didn’t think I could come to my mom because I feel like I always end the conversation as a bad guy. So here’s the situation. My brother was diagnosed with autism when he was 3 and I was 7. I am now 24 and he is 20. He cannot live on his own nor communicate in a typical conversation. He can only really convey what he wants in words and short sentences. My parents never really worked with him on potty training so a lot of times we end up wiping him. This of course puts a strain on my mom along with working at a job where she is always on her feet. I graduated college back in May in a subject I lost passion for so I am currently on the job hunt. My parents are divorced and my dad is trying to take his name off the house. My mom has to make sure we have enough money to keep the house and make necessary renovations. So in summary she has to deal with taking care of her son for his whole life and working at a job that doesn’t always pay as much as she can afford sometimes.

    I now feel pressure to get a job so I can help her. My big issue I wanted to put on here is that sometimes I feel like even when I get my shit together I won’t be able to live my life because of my brother and helping my mom. She will joke about it sometimes, but she always says she’d like me to stay home for a long time so I can help her. Keep in mind I don’t have a car or a job so I can’t exactly move out in protest. But I feel like why bother getting married? Why bother having children? I will have to care for my brother anyways. My dad has always stressed to me that he knows I need to live my own life and whatever I do with my brother is completely my choice. But my mom point blank does not want him to be put in a home someday when we get older and I can’t handle taking care of him. I almost feel trapped cause if I move out and get my own place and try to start my own life and family, I am leaving my mom behind without help. I feel like the only reason she doesn’t kick me out is because I need to help her with my brother and family. She always says I probably won’t have kids so matter of factually as if I will never change.

    I don’t know how to tell her that I feel like I can’t live my own life without sounding selfish. She’ll probably say something along the lines of well you are staying home all day and you don’t have to be on your feet as much as me. That automatically when I get a job I will feel better cause I’ll be able to help her with money. I really don’t know what to do. I always feel like any problems I have with her are my own fault and my feelings are wrong. How can I be open with her without sounding like a spoiled ungrateful daughter? I realize I am looking way too far in the future. But these are real things I think about each day and I never feel like I am being heard. What do I do? I am on the verge of a breakdown writing this…

    October 30, 2018 at 7:37 am #234501
    Peter
    Participant

    Your concerns and feelings are valid and you (and your family ) need to respect that.

    You’re in a difficult situation which will require honest conversations. Unfortunately, as you noted a few times you don’t feel safe having those conversations. Some of the necessary steps in engaging in a Crucial Conversations (recommend that book) is to be honest with your self and your needs. That requires a lot of skill so my recommendation is to find a therapist or some such person that can help you and your family address these issues.

    A 7-step primer on managing crucial conversations (Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High’ by Kerry Patterson)

    1. Start with heart. Ask yourself what you really want and what’s at stake.

    2. Learn to look. Always be asking yourself whether the conversation is defensive or a dialogue. If you or the other party strays into defensiveness, simply say “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue” or “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to force my ideas on you.”

    3. Make it safe. Another way to deal with defensiveness in difficult conversations is to create a comfortable situation by apologizing, asking a question that shows interest in others’ views or even taking a time out.

    4. Master your story. Focus on what happened that made you feel a certain way. Think through your emotions and then choose the appropriate way to respond.

    5. State your path. Share your facts and conclusions so that the other party can see where you are coming from.

    6. Explore others’ paths. Find out what the other person is thinking. Make sure that you understand each other and look for areas of agreement.

    7. Move to action. Come to a consensus about what will happen. Document who will do what by when and settle on a way to follow up.

    October 30, 2018 at 11:33 am #234567
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    Born-to-be-free. You were born to be free, free from being owned. Free to choose your own life.

    It is possible for you to live your own life, away from your mother and brother. You can move away to another city, even another country. You don’t have to be in touch with either one. You don’t have to. You feel responsible, but really, you aren’t responsible for your mother being on her feet a lot or your brother’s autism and needing help  in the bathroom. You didn’t cause any of these things.

    There is a poem, I will google  it and paste some of it next, here on your thread.

    anita

    October 30, 2018 at 11:45 am #234571
    Anonymous
    Guest

    “Your children are not your children.

    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

    They come through you but not from you,

    And though they are with you, yet they belong not to  you.

    .. You may house their bodies but not their souls,

    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow”

    Khalil Gibran

    October 31, 2018 at 7:34 am #234625
    Mackie Brunswick
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I’m going to suggest something that may seem contrary to what has been said here. I hope it comes in useful. It sounds like your mum has a very fixed view about what is acceptable and what is not. Much of it stems from her love and in that sense, she’s not the “bad guy”. Having said that, neither are you a “bad guy”. I understand what you are going through, on the one hand, you need to live your life and pursue your dreams but on the other hand, you don’t want to desert your mum (and your brother). But, I wonder, is it an either/or? Is it possible for you to chase your dreams and at the same time be there for your mum and your brother? It’s clear that while your mum wants you to chase your dream, she also needs you because she feels that it is wrong not to take care of your brother within the family.

    I can’t remember where exactly I got this from, but if you read or listen to Anthony Robbins or Arnold Schwarzenegger on YouTube or anyone like that, about how to chase your dream and be successful, you will find these principles as well:

    1. Think big – don’t just think about what you can do with your life, but imagine a bright future for all of you. That you being successful and chasing your dream will also mean a better time for your mum and your brother. Include your family in your dream, not in terms of you having to take constant care of them, but more in terms of how all of you can live a better life if you chase your dream, fulfil yourself, be as best as you can be. Share this dream with them. Make it a common dream, not you or them, but together. After all, is not family the best thing? Isn’t it easier if all of you were to work towards a shared dream? Easier even than for you to be on your own and chasing just your dream?

    2. Believe in yourself – believe that you can achieve more than just “escape” the constrains you now feel. You can help your family break through too. You can do more than you think. Your family is not a burden, they are your support, your inspiration, your reason to work hard, follow your dream with passion, with everything you have. You are doing this not just for yourself, but for your mum, and your brother, too. Maybe even your father as well.

    3. You will find a way – you have the resources to find a way. If one way fail, try another. You will find a way, you will make a way, you will invent a way. It will come to you. Just believe and keep trying. There are many options you haven’t thought about, haven’t considered. It can be done, you can do it. No one can show you the way. We all have to solve our own problems and find our own way through. We all have to rely on our own resources. It’s not about being smart, or knowledgeable, or rich, or anything else but about just persevering and believing in yourself. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised by what you can achieve.

    4. Be kind – to yourself and your family. It sounds like you are all just struggling because your mum insists on being there and looking after your brother. This is not, in itself, wrong. And maybe it would have been better if you guys were able to teach your brother to look after himself better, be more independent. But what is past is past. You need to look to the future. Be loving and kind to yourself, and your family. But be strong. You cannot go on like this, and you don’t want to go on like this. You need to find a good solution to your problem and you can. It is not either/or, you can have both. It will take time, and lots of love. But isn’t the goal worth it?

    Think bigger, and go for it.

     

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