Hi all. This is going to be a bit of a ramble. I’ve spent a long time typing this and it hurts to talk about, so I haven’t gone back and edited it:

Almost a year ago now I fell in love for the first time. She was a girl from my school I met in a moshpit at a gig. She’d been in my class and I’d been too shy to speak to her or many people in my class at all. I’d been in a friend group at the school for a year after moving from my old school. They didn’t treat me particularly well and I never felt welcome, but around her and her friend I did. It wasn’t love at first sight. I hung around them for a while before it occurred to me I had feelings for the girl. She had a boyfriend so I didn’t act on them. My friends outside of school were supportive and I had such a great time with them that it never upset me too much.

A long time later I’d been hanging around them, and in the process of doing so I finally felt welcome at the school and came out of my shell altogether.

Life was going amazing and it only became better. The girl broke up with her boyfriend and some time later I asked her on a date. I was nervous and very inexperienced but it all worked out okay. Later we became official and she told me she’d loved me while in her previous relationship, which was emotionally abusive and one she felt she couldn’t leave.

It was at this point that things started getting bad for me. Her ex-boyfriend had coerced her into having sex virtually every time they did, and it had hurt her as they didn’t have foreplay. They were into BDSM but he had no real understanding of it, and often ended up hurting her. She tried on a few occasions to explain to him but it didn’t work.

I tried to get her to open up about all this so she could put it behind her, which is why I’d found out about it all in the first place. I knew she hadn’t spoken to anyone about it and doing so helped her to understand why she’d stayed in the relationship and repair her broken self esteem.

I found things became more awkward and difficult to talk about. The information I’d heard had damaged my views on sex (as someone who was fairly sexually repressed) and deeply upset me. This whole time I’d loved her and she was being abused. She even joked that I should’ve told her as I could’ve saved her from it all, something I didn’t take lightly.

Around this time she had also became angry with me during sex for not choking her or doing something wrong. My inexperience lead to performance anxiety and in many ways she certainly didn’t help this.

The reason why she’d tolerated the abusive relationship was because the guy exploited her anxiety. She had severe Generalised Anxiety Disorder (or GAD) and he had convinced her that he was the only person who could look after her. I did my best to understand her disorder, which messed me up much like the stories of her previous relationship. I became disillusioned and a little broken, but I was optimistic in believing I would be able to help her with her disorder.

She showed me a private instagram account where she posted to people with the same disorder. She hadn’t allowed anyone she knew in real life to follow it before, even her previous boyfriends. There was a guy she used to talk to that I’d worried about before we were dating, but they’d been friends for a year. I learned that he had been helping her with her disorder as a sufferer himself, and I thanked him for doing so. He told her that he was flattered considering how much I’d helped her during the time we’d gone out.

Her disorder began affecting me. One of her breakdowns caused the worst week of my life, where I cried myself to sleep four days in a row in between making my university decisions and completing my coursework. Very soon she became uncomfortable with affection, difficult to talk to, and was frequently horrible and insulting. I became anxious myself despite my best efforts to help her and myself which made things worse.

We had argued in the past as her mental state was damaging mine. I’d spoken to her, sometimes admittedly a bit too impulsively or angry, trying to tell her how she was treating me wasn’t right, but although she understood she never acted on it. She’d never explained to me this was because of the anxiety, though I’m not sure how much of it was. She didn’t like talking about it, and understandably so, but because I was so in the dark I never knew if she was acting that way because I’d done something wrong or because of the anxiety. She claimed I’d tried to change her, but all I’d wanted for her to treat me the same way she did less than a month prior. When we broke up I asked her if I’d done anything she wouldn’t have expected someone in my situation to do, and she said no.

I thought the ‘trying to change her’ arguments seemed out of place, and I think it originated in her previous relationship. It always seemed like she was over them, but hadn’t recovered from the damage they’d done.

And that is very much the same situation I find myself in today. I’m over her, but the damage is still there. I feel unwelcome in her group and see no way to continue certain friendships because of her influence. I am welcome in the group of friends I used to hang out with at my new school, who are still rather cold, and have joked about only being able to talk about drugs and clothes. Part of going out with the girl meant joining the two groups, which are now difficult to separate, causing a great deal of awkwardness for myself.

Today she like I’m not there and never existed. I told her after the breakup I casually thanked her for the time he had together using an in-joke we used to have. I wanted to end it on a positive note. She replied with ‘I’m glad’ and ‘your welcome’, not letting me feel even slightly appreciated for the fact that I nearly screwed up my exams to try and help her with her breakdowns. She bragged to my friends about her new guy – the one who been her friend and helped her with her anxiety – and sat on some guys lap at our prom to try and make me jealous (even her friends were shocked). I was closer to her than anyone I’ve ever met, shared things with her I wouldn’t tell my friends and she acts like we’ve never met. It’s painful to think that I deserve to be made jealous after everything I did for her. I don’t feel I deserved any of it. She even said herself I had done nothing unexpected. I wouldn’t have dated her at all if I’d known how much all of this would hurt, and a part of me even wants her to know, but I know she battles with depression and anxiety on her own, and doing something like that would needlessly make it much worse.

My friends outside of school are distant. My best friend I still see very often but he refuses to do certain things (like clubbing) without any consideration, and is relentlessly stubborn. I am going to the same university as him in two weeks time, and I know it will be difficult to make friends if he isn’t open minded. Although he does make an effort to see me and definitely wants to, he’s recently started seeing his girlfriend much more, and I am afraid he will follow in the footsteps of my other close friend, who I have barely seen for months.

My other close friend got into a relationship he’s far to attached in and barely sees me or my best friend. When he does it feels like it’s a chore. I hate his girlfriend, who is clingy and neurotic, but I could never tell him since he’s so overprotective. She has in turn made him like this. He was once invaluable when the relationship came together, but I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it anymore. Sometimes it seems like he rushes to conclusions to move the conversation on. He also has a tendency to be misogynistic and use unhelpful generalisations when he gives advice about ‘girls’. I find it frustrating to listen to the arguments he’s had with his girlfriend over ridiculously small things.

My friends outside of school haven’t really been there for me a great deal during the breakup. My best friend has done his best but many of our conversations have veered to talking about my other friend’s absence.

As a result, my summer has been perhaps the worst I’ve ever had. I have been incredibly bored for about 3 months, although there have been moments that I’ve been happy, it is never particularly consistent. I am an emotional wreck who dreads the parties he used to love knowing his ex will be there. I frequently have bad moods and am worried in some senses that I’m almost becoming her in my attitudes. My self esteem is the lowest it’s been in a long time, and at times my shyness has made a comeback. I developed a slightly morbid obsession with trying to become comfortable with sex again after my ex’s stories and expectations in the bedroom, though I still have performance anxiety. I have thought about death frequently and casually considered suicide. I have discovered a cynicism within me that leaves me trapped and disillusioned. I used to be an optimist but I am finding it hard to look forward to my university freshers.

I feel like I’ve wasted three months of my life and after meeting some old friends recently, I feel awful for failing to reach out to them instead of expecting them to reach out to me. With less than two weeks now I may have lost friendships I had the ability to save and it’s too late to do anything now.

I feel like I could’ve made this holiday great. Everyone else seems to have thought it was one of the best they’ve had. My friends from my new school who went on holiday. My friends who feel welcome in parties and our local club. My friends outside school who have had their girlfriends to fall back on. My ex even had a new boyfriend to fill the void I left. I am suffered alone.

I feel lonely and so fucked up that I believe I’m probably the equivalent to my ex in the amount of emotional baggage I have. I feel like all of this could ruin my next relationship.

How do I make sense of all this? How can I overcome my problems?

Thank you for reading,

H

• This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Verge1.