Hi,

I got lots of help and advice just reading articles on this site when I was going thru my divorce, and it’s my first time actually writing anything here.

Let me give you a little bit of my background.
I am in my mid 30s working professional. My ex and I ended a 8 year marriage with no kid 2 years ago. The biggest reason why I decided to divorce him is because I couldn’t handle his violent behaviors/short temper. I have no hard feelings towards him, but rather indifferent now. I am just very glad we don’t have kids together, and I studied/worked hard to be financially independent. (I wasn’t born/raised in the U.S. so please understand my English).

I am very confused about my current relationship and I was hoping if you could give me some thoughts or advice.
I met a guy a year after my divorce, and we have dated for almost a year now. We both work in finance and he is 5 years younger never been married before.

I started questioning our relationship recently.
There were two incidents:
1. We went hiking together and we got lost… very stressful situation. I was trying to keep positive and told him we will find a way out, but he wasn’t really handling the situation well enough. He screamed at me and became extremely irritated for no reason. I tried my best to keep calm. He realized it later that his behavior was out of line, and apologized to me and also said that he thought to himself that I would break up with him sooner or later, which was actually true. I was going to end the relationship because I just can’t handle a man child who has a short temper and acts up whenever he feels like it. However, I didn’t break up with him because we had another trip coming up which we booked a few months ago.
2. A month later, we went on another trip overseas. It was quite a several day strenuous hiking course. Throughout the hike, I felt several times that he was being selfish, and I did express my feelings in a calm way. He said he was sorry. On the last day, I couldn’t help it but tell him what I feel, which set him off. He thought I was upset over a small stuff and he got upset. He walked away and later I approached him to say sorry because I still wanted us to have a good memory of this trip. He seemed ok and he walked away again so I followed him and asked if everything was ok. He screamed at me and said “I wanted to throw you off the fxxxing cliff and that’s how much I was fxxxing upset” in front of all other people on the hiking trail. I was just stunned… I lost my words and I just wanted to get out of that situation and decided that I needed to end the relationship because his action brought up all the bad memories I had with my ex. He was acting just like my ex. I believe that there are things that you never do no matter how upset you are. Well, he felt deeply sorry for what he did and he knew that he shouldn’t have done that ever and that I don’t deserve any of it.

Now, here I am… a few weeks later I am still with him…and I am confused and am now seeing all our differences that I tried to avoid in the beginning of our relationship.
1. He curses too much… He is 29 years old, and it seems like cursing is part of his sentences. He doesn’t curse at work of course, but other than that he curses. I understand people curse out of frustration, but he curses just too much. I mentioned that to him that I do not want to hear that. But when we went on a trip, he cursed so much throughout the hike. For example, there was a girl climbing up the really steep stairs and he wanted to take a picture of the steep stairs without her. He started talking to himself “get your fat a** out of f***ing my way, you fxxxing bi***” I was stunned… and I looked at two guys who were resting nearby looked speechless, as well. I told him that I can’t stand it anymore when we got back from the trip and he has been controlling himself… but you know people rarely change their habit, which scares me.
2. He disrespect people. I noticed this from the beginning of our relationship. One point he was upset at the taxi driver who said “that way is too trafficky” and he immediately screamed at the tax driver saying “just fxxxing go. fxxing go.” I felt so bad that I kept apologizing to the tax driver. I felt embarrassed. We are not teenagers. We are grown up and should know how to respect others. Later I texted him saying he has no right to treat anyone in that disrespectful way. I felt almost like he was feeling entitled to insult the taxi driver just because he has a higher paying job, which made me feel furious. This kind of incidents happened many times. He has been very careful and trying to fix his behavior.
3. I felt that he likes to power trip me in front of his friends. He often treats me like I am a woman who does anything he wants me to do. He ordered me around in front of his friends, which I also mentioned him that it’s very disrespectful. It’s pretty much the same issue as #2. Guess he likes to feel being in power.
4. He doesn’t talk much. We don’t have a good conversation. He doesn’t ask about my childhood or my family or my thoughts on the issue. Whenever I ask him his thoughts/opinions on the issues or about his family, he just says “I don’t know”. So we barely have any conversation except for when we plan things, which is more like a business talk rather than sharing thoughts/feelings.

Everyone wants to be loved for who they are, and I am thinking if I am not loving him for who he is. Or I am just afraid to be alone…
I know I can’t afford to be in another wrong relationship… I know I should stop ignoring all these signs… Or Am I being too picky? and only focus on the bad side of him rather than the good side? I am confused.

We had a conversation about everything I mentioned above and he said he won’t do it again and that he will try to improve all. He also mentioned that he doesn’t want to continue this relationship if I don’t trust him… (but trust is not something you ask for… it’s something you earn. well I didn’t say that to him). Based on my 8 year marriage, people who verbally/physically abusive and have a short temper don’t change. Now, I feel like I am waiting for him to make another mistake so I can say it’s over. I know that I shouldn’t feel that way because I decided to give us one more chance… but I keep thinking about what he did and have a hard time let it go.

And one question… Do guys normally have a short temper like my current bf or my ex? Do they act violently when they are under stress or when they are upset? I just want to understand my boyfriend and also want to see if I am overrating.

• This topic was modified 9 years ago by sophie.