So I’m a college freshman talking to 17M, a white guy who’s a senior in high school. We’re both very autistic, love video games, and have talked every day since July. In October, we both acknowledged we had feelings for each other, and he said he wanted to stay by my side. We’ve yet to meet in person. However, we only ever met once in high school when I was a junior and he was a sophomore, but we didn’t know each other. We first met in May of this year and have become friends to even closer. We have plans to meet in person very soon.

We make very dark jokes, (nothing about racism, homophobia, etc) but self-deprecating humor that’s meant to make each other uncomfortable without it being targeted if that makes sense, (i.e him giving me bruises or me pretending to audition at the high school play by wearing someone else’s skin since I’m already graduated.)

Anyhow, we had a bit of a miscommunication that resulted in my mother and aunt telling me to leave him behind. However, I heard him out and gave him a chance. This was on October 30th while I was in the hospital with my sister, and we’d been going strong since. I was anxious about ignoring my family’s input, but I trusted my boyfriend and pushed it aside. However, my family wasn’t aware I started talking to him again. I had faith that they would be ok with me dating him because he legitimately didn’t mean for that miscommunication to happen.

Two days later, however, my little sister passed away from cancer. I already told him my feelings on it, about how I wanted him to stay upbeat for me and maintain a sense of normalcy. He said he would be everything I needed and agreed to keep up a good face for me. I said we should keep up with the jokes, the laughter, and everything in between so that I didn’t feel as sad.

A week later, I got into an argument with my dad, who hadn’t been there for my sister’s entire treatment, and I told him that I would kill him for not being there for my family. I told the guy I’m talking to what I had done and he seemed uncomfortable, but understanding. He said my anger was understandable.

Nine days pass by. I go over to my aunt’s house, who’s like a second mother to me, someone who’s been VERY torn about the passing of my sister. My aunt has done EVERYTHING for me, from spending thousands of dollars on me to fighting tooth and nail to defend me. She’s been there my entire life, and I seriously admire and respect her. She’s the one who cried for days over my sister, the one who paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for her treatment, who has struggled to make sure I have EVERYTHING I do now. I’m incredibly loyal to my family, more than anything else. However, I never explained any of this to my boyfriend until it was too late.

Anyhow, when I went over to her house, we got into a disagreement that ended with me feeling bitter. I ended up complaining about how much my auntie was being kind and rude to me to my boyfriend and how hard it is being autistic since she doesn’t understand me. He texted me over Instagram to “kill her” and then followed it up with, “to save face.” I know he wasn’t being serious, but it still REALLY messed me up.

I was kind of shocked and said, “Babe,” and then he immediately followed it up with, “Just kidding.” I went on a rant about how much I love and respect my aunt, even if she’s mean to me sometimes, and that the joke made me uncomfortable.

He then goes on about how unfamiliar it is that I’m close with my family since the people in his life don’t like theirs. He said he and his friends often make jokes about how much they don’t like their families. He said he really wanted my family to like him and that he wouldn’t joke like that again. He says he often jokes “kill them,” whenever a minor inconvenience happens to his friends, and while I get the merit in that, I’m still very nervous.

The crazy thing is that I’ve (jokingly) threatened his father, whom he vehemently described his annoyance and resentment for. I’ve threatened the same thing to his friends for being nosy. I said that his mother and his stepfather are emotionally unintelligent because of how they treat them. I’ve jokingly threatened him before if he messed up on his high school play performance. I’ve told him to “go die in a fire,” after he made a purposely corny joke. I’ve joked this way about almost everyone in his life and it was never an issue with him, and he was never jokingly violent back. Only these instances were all before my sister’s passing.

He hasn’t done the same. He hasn’t said anything negative about my family; if anything, he’s been very positive and supportive of me. The thing I’m wondering is how my aunt and my mother would respond. This is such a vulnerable time with my family, and I know for a fact they wouldn’t be understanding. I feel incredibly guilty.

When I told him my problem with the joke, he apologized immediately. I then later told him that we shouldn’t joke about our family members dying anymore and he completely understood and said he wouldn’t.

Everything is resolved. He said he wouldn’t joke like that again. He understood my guilt and feelings. But I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying my mother and aunt, who are very close to me and are dealing with their own grief. They already had a bad feeling about him, and I know for a fact that this would send them over. I’m already keeping him a secret, but now I have to keep the fact that we joke like this a secret as well.

I’m trying hard to move on from it. I know I’m being hypocritical—I’ve joked EVEN WORSE than he did, but this feels so much different. I don’t want to break up with him, especially not over something I’ve also done, but there’s a nagging pit in my stomach about how my mother and aunt were right that I shouldn’t have contacted him again. What should I do? Should I have moved on? Is it just not meant to be, especially while I’m grieving.