Another piece of the reason I chose her is because she said what I needed to hear.

Its a piece that I couldn’t understand when I was there on Canada’s 150th. A student, and possible friend was trying to help me, as well. Its strange how all I could say was “I remember you”, to her. I was nearly hit by a Streetcar just a minute or two before by a TTC driver who nearly ran a redlight.

Again I couldn’t say anything to her, The Mysterious Woman, or Her Friend. I was at my breaking point again, and I know it’ll sound stupid why. The student, and possible friend was someone I blew off 5 years earlier during Canada Day. I could see how there was a blockage in her emotions, and it caused an echo within me. Back then, she had a fiance. Today, I couldn’t say if they were still together or not.

Today, I’m thinking of another student in the same school, and a woman who got the wrong idea about a news paper I doodled on. They were both incredibly sweet to me. I must’ve been wrong in leaving that newspaper there.

Now there are a few times some of her people have helped too. I know someone saw me dowse with an empty redbull can underground to try find a way. Go figure how I got a two pointed triangulation. It even sounds wacky to me.

I guess I just want to see her smile at me again. Now I might go have a glass of Absinthe, because she knows.

I know my faults do not come from the teachers. It was a learning tool long before it was a tool used to be able to spy on its wielder. I just feel that whatever happened to me went too far. I might be going through a form of psychic ptsd from being pushed through my connection to the internet. My privacy has been raped, repeatedly for ten years or so. I’m tired of being watched by those who don’t know better.

I still feel bad about where they blame my teachers. Weird.

I just realized I fell for a pole cat.

For some reason I can’t fathom, I find myself drawn to the right eye. Not out of anything else but understanding, and support. I just for some reason have a harder , and harder time going through the electronic interference. I know what I went through, and for some reason this woman see’s the same things I do. It’s just difficult for most to understand. I’m held to a different standard than other men. I just can’t agree with why I feel so horrible for wanting to say hi.

It literally took me half an hour to write this because I felt like I was being bullied, and interrogated by law enforcement to say something that would endanger her to a casual observer.

What kind of computer problem would cause that, because its exactly what I went through for the last 12 years.

Just finished Wen-Tzu’s Understanding the Mysteries, and thouroughly enjoyed the read. Its a good one, and might keep it. I might try some Manga next, to get my mind off some things.

Besides, looking at the screen makes it harder for me to read.

Whew! I don’t think I want to go through that too often. I’ve been forced through a past trauma, and I learned it wasn’t the cause of my troubles. Who would think someone breaking in to your house would put you at risk for becoming brainwashed. I learned my radio was connected to my cd’s all those years ago, and it caused a susceptibility to being manipulated by sleep reinforcment. My sleeplessness is forcing me to relive key parts of my life, but neglecting to recognize the souce of all of it.

I know I’m being used like this, and I can understand the premise, but the severity has caused me to experience a psychic echo from July 2nd. I was out enjoying the evening when I felt like the police were getting ready to harm me. I still don’t know why I went through shock that day, but I went through it again 2 nights ago. I even ended up auto-writing to my mom, because it felt like I was being mesmerized by my new PS4.

It hurt like hell to go through a past trauma at the same time as being pushed to speak of something I can’t prove. I know the pieces fit, but the person who added the extra solder to my old stereo is 20 years older, and I am being told to speak of a child being sold into slavery in Canada, however I don’t think it was true. The man might’ve been using it as an excuse to rile up and incit religious fervour. The proof would be on a banking machine camera and could see the scene behind me. That, and a sort of wrap around back to a news story of the 300 dead in somolia.

I can see why the first nations people have been having a crisis with suicide, and I know I’ve just went through the same thing. Being burdened with a war that is not ours to fight. I’ve been hit with a stroboscopic effect that induces a sort of Aversion. This electronic Aversion is being manipulated by sight, and sound, and sleepdeprivation. I know it’s electronic, and its originating points.

I may, in a few years be forced into seclusion due to my being repeatedly, electronically abused. Like an electronic bully with a psychology degree, a law degree, a medical degree, a compter enginerring degree, a political science degree, a christian science degree, a astrophysics degree, and a media degree. I know I’m being fed information, but this part may be the strangest. Everthing I see points to someone using data obtained illegally to confuse, and distract and try place blame where none was before.

Electronic guilt feels like looking at oil on soap. Same for aversion.

What an odd thing to go through. I feel like I’ve been made to look at aversion for a long while. So long that even my speech comes out wrong at times. Like I’m looking down at a clear bag full of water, and a few droplets continously flow from my eyes. The aversion part comes from the way the droplets roll outward to the edges. I’ve been made to feel that’s all I’ll ever know, and the images I want are behind it. Now when I go outside the concepts flow from my mind to wherever they began. I know I have a hard time letting go, but I am a hard headed sort, so I look at this sort of thing like a break.

I started to think a bit differently after October 16th, but the reasons are hard to explain. Like I felt that was where I should be. I wasn’t. I was still going through a bit of recurring shock.

On July 2nd, I might have walked through a terror scare. As I passed through there, I felt like I was under a spotlight, and the police cruisers (4 of them) looked to me like they were getting ready to jump me. I used to have a spot that I liked watching the sunset in the evening, but this changed that. I gave a high five to a bear paw in the sky the evening before and realized that might’ve been a mistake. Cold, shivers, low energy, and probably low blood pressure. I couldn’t even go out on the 3rd.

On October 28th, I got hit with a second shock. This was where I felt the missed oppourtunity of the 16th, and it hit me with a psychic shock. I relived one of my earliest traumas, and felt the shift from now till then. There was however a second shift too . This one I didn’t anticipate. It became clear my troubles originated when I used to have an old windows xp computer. My dreams shifted one night, and one stood out. I won’t speak of it, because its clear it has roots in today’s politics, and its clear there would be more trouble than I need bother with. The 16th made clear that all the neighbors gossip so much that I sit in a toxic environment still dealing with the conversations I had all those years ago on windows live, and facebook. My neighbors now, were talking to me then through a system that pings when I am online. That facebook account I closed due to health reason, but in truth I didn’t like the person I was becoming.

Yesterday, I hit a third much more soft shock. Nothing too major. Just a chill, and cold hands. I was already on the mend when I spotted the back of her head, and wouldn’t you know it my heart soared. This time I know I can go my own way, and I seem to be considering ways to let her back in so I can be here long enough to consider my life when I’m 80.

Now to see if she still sees my words, I think I should mention the documentary of John Lennon I watched the other day. I was surprised to hear his sentences sounded like mine every now and then. That slight loss of focus, but still unified in meaning. It was beautiful to consider the similarities. I’m even considering staying in my toxic environment to enjoy putting my feet up with a woman in a place like home.