Dear Care:

On March 2018, when you were 18, you shared that you were a straight A student, that your body was beautiful and that you loved yourself: “my body is beautiful, and I love myself“.  You shared that you have never been in a relationship and that everyone was telling you that the reason for that was that guys were afraid that such a smart and beautiful girl would reject them. Believing this in part or in whole, you told “a really nice guy” that you liked him. But he rejected you, saying that he is not in love with you, that he loves you in a platonic way, “just like loving the way stars shine“.

Almost 4 years later, on January 7, 2022, at 22, you shared that you currently work as a teacher, “having to take care financially” of your mother and yourself after your father left, feeling hopeless, anxious and depressed: “I feel this deep hole inside of me absorbing everything good in me… I can’t seem to find joy in normal things like taking a shower or eating… feeling extremely overwhelmed… I never feel in control of things… my very core: my back, my hips, my throat hurts from all this suppressing. I would love to be free from my own mind… I somehow can’t seem to feel enough”.

And you added this curious “catch”: “I am thinking about seeing a therapist but here’s the catch, I always end up lying to them and I can’t seem to be honest with my problems” –

– I am wondering, is the reason that you always ended up lying to therapists that you were lied to? Is it that people lied to you when you were growing up, telling you things (about yourself, about themselves, about other people) that were not true?

I wonder if what you are suppressing in your very core, in your back, in your hips, in your throat… is the truth?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by .

Hi Care,

Let me know if this sounds familiar. This is my real life experience. I am developer, and for that I received no training in college. My degree should ideally be enough but it does not train you for the skills you need to be a developer. Some kids in college did side projects, I was so terrified of not finding a job, that I would constantly wonder if I would be a terrible developer, so much so that I did not even try to test or hone my skills.

Once I started on the job, I would be paralyzed from doing work. There is a term for it in my profession, although it is not self-esteem related. “Analysis paralysis”, where you go over all the ways things could go wrong and keep evaluating options in terms of which solution to use or tool, etc, but never fix on an option and get to work. But, I was forced to choose an option since there were always looming deadlines. This was a lot of pressure for me. I was a perfectionist and not confident. I wanted to quit so many times but couldn’t because I had to earn. It was this helplessness that triggered feelings of resentment and how if only my situation was different, I would not have had go through this.

I believe you feel betrayed because every time something upsetting happens at your job, you think about how your situation forced you into this job and you wouldn’t have had to take it had your family had enough money, etc. So the external situation betrayed you and stopped you from following your passion.

There are 2 independent parts to your problem.

1) You don’t want to do this job.

2) You don’t think you are good enough to do it

And just so you know, 2) is independent of 1). Had you been pursuing your passion, 2) would still have plagued you but you wouldn’t have had the resentment about being forced to pursue that career, but you still would have started hating your passion. There is a saying  in my mother tongue, I have heard it in English as well, “make your passion your hobby and not your job, otherwise you will hate your passion”.

Some of the reasons for 2) are external to you:

Global reasons:

All around the world people are faced with financial insecurity. Money defines your quality of life. You could be denied basic needs like food, shelter and healthcare. Healthcare is in fact tied to the job. So it is natural to want to do well out of fear of getting fired and losing your basic human rights and needs, and fear not being good enough.

Individual reasons:

If you have a tendency to internalize your failures, you will always blame yourself and believe you are someone who can’t do well. In my example, it was wrong to expect college students to know coding at all. Your first job should train you. It took me a long time to realize my work conditions did not enable my best performance.

You asked how you should start taking care of yourself:

Short term( 1 day – 1 week)

1. Feign arrogance and be okay with being a bad teacher. This is a temporary break for your brain.

2. Use your mornings to set an intention that you will do your best and mistakes are ok.

3. Build a routine with small tasks – drink water, soak in some sun. Checking things off is amazing for the brain.

4. Affirmations – this used to work initially, so it is good for short term, it will alter your state to a pleasant one.

Long-term (1 year)

1. Identify if you need to change jobs within the same profession – for better pay and conditions.

2. When you are happy at your job, you are likely not going to be reminded of your passion at all. Also, you need to plan your future from a place of happiness. So 1. is important. When you are content with your current situation, think of all your possibilities not just being a teacher vs your passion. All the other possibilities that you can venture into for a job – remember this is mainly for money, so aim as high as possible and be creative.

3. Start planning on how to save money to work on the career that is right for you. You may not need money, just a plan to switch, work on that.

4. Create a daily routine that factors in a healthy lifestyle. Socialize and build hobbies.

Planning for super long term

This will assume a healthy sense of self-esteem

1. Be objective about everything. If you are unhappy or not doing well enough, evaluate if it is just you, or what needs to changes and with whom.

2. You have a goal that will meet your financial needs and you are not just getting by – break this career/goal into small steps and check-in every year to see where you are at.

3. Your passion can be your hobby if not your career – give it some time and love.

The hole will go away when you are happy with yourself, which means if something is not right with work, it is just work and not you. It will take time to get to this, but you can do it.

Hi Care,

I am glad to hear my message helped you. I just wrote that plan out to give you ideas. You could choose to take what you like from there.

I am happy to have this connection with you. Please know that you have not set yourself up for failure. You haven’t failed yet. You did what you could do best. You are viewing your life in a bubble without acknowledging the conditions that pushed you to make the decisions you did. Sure, fear is a factor to shy away from challenges, as are many others you could work on, but also acknowledge that your external conditions and internal conditioning from childhood led you to where you are at. And you can define where you want to go.

People have let you down, so there is nothing wrong in being cautious in that regard. I honestly don’t see a problem with that. My bigger fear for you is if you settle for people in your life that will bring your energy down and tire you out. You having boundaries is a good thing. All you have to change it to is from fear of to a casual disdain for terrible people. Constantly vet the people in your life, it is worth it. How people have treated you so far should tell you how you don’t want to be treated and not as something to lose hope and take as evidence to not expect good treatment from others. Set standards for who is allowed your time and energy.

 I hope you feel better too, I’m sure you already do a great job – Thank you for the compliment. But in all honesty, I have had ups and downs since I was your age in this matter. I have become a little more centred in how I look at my situation. Before I used to view all my problems from the past and in the present, in a vacuum, and I used to struggle with their existence or how to fix them by myself as I took them as a reflection of me. Now, I have learnt to assign responsibility for it to other parties and this has helped in relieving the pressure I felt. I have also been partially successfully in peeling aways the parts of my identity that were tied to my job. I only look at it as a way to earn. And the worry to do well is only to keep earning. This is the only progress I’ve made. Once I peeled that layer off – the one where my career had to compare to others, or I had to get married and have babies like others in my family, I have reached the most painful part of myself, where I can’t simply define myself by outcomes or the lack of them. I now see what I’ve had hiding underneath. A very anxious and scared person that wants to feel safe. This I cannot fix by having a better career or finding love. I am actively working on feeling better this year. I hope you do as well. Take your life into your own hands and drive it.

I would love to continue this communication as well. Thank you!

Thinking about you, Care, hoping that you are feeling better.

anita