December 9, 2019 at 7:51 am #326685BunParticipant
I decided to become a yoga teacher as my former job caused stress. The last couple of years have been a struggle so I am not my highest vibrational self- I have had my bouts of stress and “depression” (I feel I have had feelings of depression but I do not identify as a depressed person), and thought taking a yoga teacher training abroad would help.
I got on the plane despite my recently developed social anxiety. That was hard for me and I cried on the plane – just because of the stress of being around so many strangers, feeling judged/ awkward / I feel anxiety if people are staring at me.
Week one is done and I feel my entire spirit has left my body. I have not had time to do the small routine to replenish, it feels fast paced and leaves me on lack of sleep and no time to organize. I feel bad energy from the girls here. Let me explain.
I am a highly sensitive introvert. I feel the moods/ energy of others deeply and find it draining to be in a room of people as I am picking up on their energy- lately bad energy as I am a stranger to them. I paid for a room with a roommate. Upon arrival, I tried to wake up earlier than class to do my grounding morning routine (journaling, mediating, affirmations). There were small problems like the water not working, which upset me and did not allow me my time to replenish – as I was exhausted from the schedule (6AM-9:30PM), and the constant mingling with people I felt were judging me (not all of them). I needed this time.
Here are the problems listed:
– initially the water issue negated my time to replenish and the brutal schedule (6AM-9:30PM..trying to get some alone time before bed, hence, falling asleep later so inadequate sleep)/ constant mingling drained me.
– I was then moved with a roommate- who further drained me as I feel we are not compatible, and mostly she talks about herself and problems non stop like a narcissist conversationalist- further draining, and took up all of the break time we had (getting ready before class, after class, the small break time- spent listening to her). She also seems not sure of herself, focused on others, and talks to me like she has superpowers ex. “I am just out of this world intuitive, I can read anyone in 2 seconds. I’m just different and spiritually blessed”. I am also very intuitive and know a lot spiritually I just choose not to talk about it to validate myself. She has a messy energy- just coming out of rehab for drug addiction, and the trauma that usually entails (too much detail to explain) – just not up my alley of high vibrational people I want to be around.
– The group is about 12. I like 3 – the rest seem egotistical, self involved- comparing money/accomplishments with an undertone of judgment. Still, I could deal with that. Instead i feel they judge me. A few seem to think i’m attracted to women and it seems they are constantly treating me like a pervert when i am not looking at them. (ex. hiding their cleavage while shooting me a nasty face. not wanting to sit next to me in class or when we talk about relationships they get this judgmental look [i have only had one boyfriend ever] and i just feel energetically this is what they are thinking. or maybe they are racist? I do modeling, I am usually popular amongst people etc I am not unusual looking is my point. but I am mixed with black and that is quite obvious- I am the only black one here- the rest german, american white, asian, etc. One of the asian girls noticeably befriends “the whites”, makes comments like ” i feel I am more european” “I want to have a mixed white baby as they will be famous in taiwan” “I usually only date Croatians” – though she speaks broken english, chinese being here main language. She also is paranoid of her bags around me like i’m going to steal from her. One another girl confronted another and said she has gone nowhere in life and will go nowhere because she smokes weed. Just very judgemental, and a lot of egos. We went to a day tour together, and they spoke german- gave me dirty looks, and constantly left me behind- literally rushing to get away from me. I did not expect this. I am humble from the pain I have gone through, i don’t want to judge only connect. The Asian girls seem to strategically avoid me or body language away from me at dinner. One seems she thinks i am attracted to her. The german girls seem polite but distant and judgy with an entitlement attitude (leaving me behind, but upset if I am not doing exactly what they want…etc). If we both need to use the restroom, they will go first and not consider that I was waiting in line. Also, for dinner they run like vultures leaving little food left for me (the kitchen brings more out, but the fact that they cannot wait out of politeness).
Overall, I feel saturated in others energy. Absolutely no time to program my mind for positivity. Brutal schedule of being around low energy people 24.7. 5 hour sleep. (It is now midnight, the only time I had to listen to mediations and type this. ) Out of probiotic pills which are hard to get here (bali, indonesia). No time for myself. Forced to mingle with girls I feel do not want to mingle with me, in return of course I do not want. Being judged for being black, or apparently a lesbian- which also drains my spirit totally. The yoga instructor said “I am not here to help you, I am just the yoga teacher” when I brought up my struggles with this.
I started to ignore the asians out of anger- I should be better but now we clearly have animosity. It got so bad I missed class, and asked to be placed in my own room. I wanted to learn about yoga – but most of the time I am running around to make the next class, feeling judged in class (and out).
I feel very low vibrationally. I feel this experience has sucked the light out of my body – the girls, the lack of sleep, the lack of alone time to focus on my mediations and goals.
OH- additionally for some reason here in Bali the restaurants and locals praise white skin, but ignore me. Each time at dinner they hand my white friends the bill, assuming i’m not paying. They greet them, they say thank you to them when leaving, and skip out on me. Recently at dinner he constantly greeted my friend as madam, asking her where she is from and looked at me with annoyance. He bowed his head to her “goodbye madam” and as i said goodbye, he turned away while making eye contact. Even at the gas station they are so polite to my friends, and me they say nothing. I now feel uncomfortable and judged everywhere, from every angle. Uncomfortable being brown- even though the locals here are the same shade as me.
I do not want to go to class at all tomorrow. This doesn’t feel pleasant. I feel drained, misunderstood, like negativity is being sent my way with the stares and treatment from the girls and locals.
3 weeks of the course left here. I have no positivity left in me. I feel sadness, anger, EXHAUSTED, disconnected from my soul, thoughts, judged for my skin color- and like I also need probiotics that I cannot get here.
Advice?December 9, 2019 at 11:08 am #326723anitaParticipant
I read your posts in your thirteen threads. You read like an honest, direct person, telling it like it is, not asking for sympathy or pity, making light of things. I felt affection for you, while reading your writings.
Your current yoga teacher training experience- not at all in the spirit of yoga. I suppose it is a lot of physical exercise, devoid of the yoga philosophy of life. So what you have is a bad high school experience with a racist sentiment, as the cherry on top.
Depending on how long you have left, I am guessing that it is better for you to graduate the program and get the certificate, so that you can use it when you return to your country. Your previous work (clubs) was lucrative but didn’t fit your personality and reads to me that it caused or increased your anxiety and occasional depressed feeling. So better graduate this and try to make the best out of that certificate: use it to teach, but add the spirit of yoga to your teaching (a spirit that is lacking in your current training).
And post again, anytime. I will be glad to read from you and reply when you do post.
December 9, 2019 at 1:30 pm #326759InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Welcome to Yoga! *side serving of sarcasm*
Well who generally takes up yoga as a career? White, thin, vegan women who assume they are spiritual.
I’ve been in yoga classes where the women were crazily competitive (I live in a SUBURB not NYC *eyeroll*) and one where a teacher tried to call me out in front of the class, essentially saying I didn’t belong there. I was all, “I have children in pre-school. This is the only time I have for exercise before I pick them up. Would you rather I didn’t move my body at all? So I will keep going to this EASY Intermediate class.” (Inky does headstand and crow pose to gasps, claps and verbal thumbs up.)
Think of this as training for when you TEACH these types of women. They will be all “What does this brown (assumed) lesbian woman know that we don’t?” It will be like my experience in reverse. They will be HUGELY threatened by you. Again, this is training. It’s not just the yoga poses, you know.
Groups: Forget, just forget about alone time. It’s not going to happen. Learn to meld with the energy of the group. Pay attention ONLY to the three girls you get along with. The others just Don’t Exist, OK?