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I am not religious, he is

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #220093
    V
    Participant

    Thank you for your time, its really appreciated.

    Some background: The person this post is about is someone I had known for 10 years, developing  a very respectful and great friendship. He had always pursued me and about 8 months ago, I gave him a shot. Reasons for such a long pursuit were that he had a young child (Yes, out of wedlock) and the fact he was religious, going to church every Sunday, all that (contradicting, you bet) . Even though he knew we came from different backgrounds, I am guessing he figured I would be open to eventually changing my entire identity (converting to Christianity) for him.

    Currently: So, about two days ago, I ended things. The unfortunate thing… we were great together. I’ve never been treated so well, we had great chemistry, we were healthy for each other and provided a positive sense of energy to each others lives. He wasn’t necessarily a closed off Christian, I mean he listened to music other than gospel or Christian music, he obviously had a kid out of wedlock and he had no issue being sexually active while he was single and while he was in a relationship with me (but hes “religious”). Anyways, he told me he could not marry someone unless they were saved (this essentially meant that I had to believe Jesus died for out sins), but I immediately called him out and asked him how do you expect someone to be saved and explore this sort of relationship with God, when you aren’t even setting a good example (considering that whole child and having sex thing). He agreed, but that didn’t change much. So because I knew he was a great catch, I said I would explore a relationship (side-note: I believe in God, just was not raised in church) and began attending church on Sundays and being supportive. However, it was still something I felt I was doing for him, not myself. Well the other day I told that if we were to get married, I would prefer to live with him beforehand because 1) its logical considering he has a kid and I would like to know what that’s like before I am legally bound to him and 2) I think its really smart to do because living with someone is a completely different experience. Well, he said his faith doesn’t allow that. Yet, his faith doesn’t allow sex before marriage but you are surely active… so what’s your point? Long story short, I told him that it seems in order for us to be together for the long haul, I would have to do all the bending. I would have to meet him, without an inch of movement on his end.

    Does anyone see ANY possibility of this working out, other than the obvious (me converting)? I guess I just feel like there is no hope, but sometimes people have more more experience and wisdom, so I am reaching out.

    #220109
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear V,

    Looks like he needs a lot of contradictions within himself to be sorted out.

    I believe you have been reasonable in preferring to live with him beforehand for valid reasons. In addition when you attended church you felt that it was doing something for him rather than for yourself – that situation is a breeding ground for resentment. further steps in that direction would have only caused further distress for you.

    Any possibility of this working out relies on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding, not a situation where one has to do all the bending.

    Take care.

    #220113
    V
    Participant

    Dear Prash,

    thank you so much for your response! I couldn’t have said it better myself. Resentment was probably in the near future, especially considering the fact the only reason we would be together was due to ME being the only one that compromised.

    #220161
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear V:

    I suppose he believes he was forgiven after every  time he had sex with you,  outside marriage. If he married you, I wonder, if he will feel it is okay to have sex with other women while being married to you because he will be forgiven for that as well.

    If you convert then, do you convert to his take on Christianity or to a more official denomination?

    There are women who are able to close their eyes what they don’t want to look at and lots do. Reads like his inconsistencies/ lack of integrity bothers you and has bothered you all along, correct?

    anita

    #220295
    Mark
    Participant

    V,

    How about you ask him to convert to Buddhism instead?  Or Islam?  Or atheism?  Or …?

    Just being facetious.  Yes you are right.  There is no hope in this relationship working out.

    Mark

    #220333
    V
    Participant

    Anita,

    thank you for your response! I do not worry about him needing to have relations with other people while with me. He is a very loyal person. However, yes, it’s his inconsistency/contradictions that don’t settle well with me. If he’s going to be such a dedicated Christian, he should not be stern on only some things.

    #220335
    V
    Participant

    Mark,

    you are absolutely right and further prove my point! You can’t expect me to bend all the way. What if I asked you to stray away from your foundation, like you’re asking of me? It would never happen.

    thanks!

    #220383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear V:

    You are welcome.

    Regarding living with him (if he agreed to it) would not have been a good idea, I am thinking, because his child is  likely to form an emotional attachment to you, and will be hurt if you move out, if you figure living with him/ getting married is not for you.

    His reason I assume for not wanting you to move in with you is social embarrassment, what will the church people say. My reason would be to prevent my child from bonding with a woman who may leave following an experimentation period.

    anita

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