It’s not about “you” right now, it’s about “them”. It has always actually been about “them”, but crisis makes Reality obvious.

Practical Questions:

If he won’t be with her forever, why is she his fiancé? Will he call off the wedding?

Why doesn’t he buy them a modest apartment instead of a house?

There are many forms of love and many ways to love.

The best way to love him right now is to set him up with a financial wizard and a brilliant therapist!

It sounds like you are addicted to him. This is what I did for a friend I was becoming emotionally too close to. Month of the calendar, right? I wouldn’t contact him or return calls/be online for that one day. Next month? Two days. Yes, it took me two and a half years. Yes, there was boundary busting, kick back, the wailing and gnashing of teeth (his end). This usually happens when you’re 3/4 of the way there. For any addiction.

But to this day I have my sanity back and I can relate to him in a detached way. Truly as just a friend.

Claire,

You already know what you have to do.

He is still floating in your thoughts throughout the day – you arent really present, are you? Find something else to keep your mind occupied – only then will these tendencies reduce. This man has enough to sort out in his life and only he can sort out his problems. However, you really need to stop and think:

What kind of void is he filling up for you?

– Moon

Claire,

I’m sorry for your struggles, and agree with a lot of the intent from moon and inky. Your words sound like you’re playing a victim role… such as “so much need to text” and “oh, he’s too stressed to approach right now” and so forth. You know what you want, a healthy relationship. No one will give that to you, its something you have to shape for yourself. Wait on him to poop or get off the pot? Are you crazy?

Consider that he sounds like he has some self esteem issues. He has a fiancé and a girlfriend, and is all wishy washy about it and what he wants. He feels obligated to multiple women, feels feelings for multiple women, all mushed up and squished inside him. Is he worth that mess? The money isn’t going to solve his issues, that’s only a pressure that’s bringing out his patterns, getting them nice and contrasted. He could grow from what’s he learned, but its like a portal that will only work if he takes the step. Otherwise, the money will leak away in his ambiguity and nebulous esteem BS, and the same stresses will come back in different ways.

Clearly, the fiancé thing really disturbs you, but why do you let it? Its in your hands, dear sister, you can tell him to get that ring back from her. Or, you can suck it up and grieve the relationship that could have been, and move on. You’re a go getter, a champion, but have forgotten how precious a jewel you and your tender heart really are. Otherwise you would have moved your hand away from his long ago until he moved his hand away from her. Or, if you’re into the polyamory thing, then you’d be looking for a way of letting go of the selfishness around wanting all his affection.

Short of that, your fear stops you from saying what you need to say. Ya know? It reminds me of the Bob Dylan lyrics “takes a woman like you, to get through to the man in me”. Be gentle, but don’t be a pushover… your heart deserves better care than that.

With warmth,
Matt

You are in an ugly situation. You make yourself needy and waiting for him to decide. When you play a part in breaking another relationship, you will NEVER be happy in that relationship. find people who are not attached and see what happens empower yourself and don’t be someones free fun…. sorry to be harsh!