December 4, 2019 at 3:28 am #325959JamieParticipant
Dear readers- Please, please, help.
I need your immediate mature voices to guide me through this problem.
So, my boyfriend (not sure if he still is) and I had been dating for 2 years- I was his first love (he’s 25, im 23) and he was never in a relationship before me, so it was never your typical romantic thing, we were more of best friends and things sort of kept moving forward. I was studying in a state where he lived, and that’s where we met but after graduation i had to move back home, and he followed me here less than 2 months ago. He came for a job….While he’s here, he’s been distant, only focusing on hisself and issues, on his apartment hunt, etc ( you know the basic things that comes with moving) and has been giving me minimal attention and love. The harder he pulls- the more i push, asking him to show me any signs of affection, yet he provides his minimum effort claiming that’s what he can do “FOR NOW”!
A few days ago, I was honestly so frustrated and angry at him so i kind of reacted heavily and attacked him with my words and insulted him (i’d rather not go into details of what i did cuz it’s humiliating); but i apologized so many times and cried to him saying it won’t happen again. He “accepted” my apology and we tried to move on, but next day he just went back to his old ways of showing me a lack of love, attention, etc. and that just made me cold and dry with him and eventually i was just rude all the time.
That same day, ( a few days after our argument and my apology ) we went out to a club. While we were at the club, I barely spoke to him all night and just ignored him cause i was so upset. I craved his attention so much that i wanted him to come and speak to me, but he didn’t. At some point, i just walked away and stood with my girl friends and that;s when he blew up. He dragged me by the arm to tell me to ” F off, go dance with guys” and the left me alone to figure out and manage a ride instead of dropping me back home.
When we spoke next, all he would admit is how it’s MY fault for not putting up with him and his transition and how i’d constantly nag, complain and want love when he’s stressed. I apologized for my mistakes, however he wouldn’t admit his mistakes, and then i asked for space to figure out what to do.
Jamie!December 4, 2019 at 8:46 am #325997anitaParticipant
I will summarize your previous threads first (it will help me understand your current situation better):
On January 2017, almost three years ago, you were about 20, you wrote: “I’m so frustrated and in need of help”. You were studying architecture at the time, living alone, away from home. You started dating a man in August 2015, when you were about 18 or 19. The relationship was fine for a year, with “our usual ups and downs”, but after he returned from Paris (on a work visit), “he was a different man. He gave me less attention, didn’t talk or listen to me like before.. Things only got worse”, and you broke up with him. After a week you “begged for him back”, got back together, and two weeks later, you broke up again: he told you “to shut up”, dropped you at your home and proceeded to go partying with his friends. Later on you kissed another man while drinking, he found out and called you a cheater. “I am so sick and tired of feeling insulted, and frankly speaking I am unable of cutting ties with his toxic behavior. It affects me deeply. How do I exit such a toxic relationship?!”
May 2017, you wrote about that relationship that it’s been nine months since the breakup, that “after the breaking up, we had multiple fights and kept hooking up every once in a while. You wrote: “I am sick and tired of being disrespected by him and then allowing him in my life when he misses me! Wil he ever change? Bigger question is.. How can I CHANGE?… I am so lost and helpless”.
In June 2017, you wrote about that man: “after insulting me, downgrading me.. he .. apologized.. it wasn’t that much of a serious apology”.
Two and a half years, December 2019, you shared in one of the two threads that you started today: “I’ve hit rock bottom in life and in need of desperate help… It feels I’m living a life of blackness and there are no more colors. I’ve given up”. You wrote that you graduated almost 1.5 years ago, but you didn’t find a job yet, “while everyone around me seems to be booming”. You shared that you just broke up with a boyfriend of two years “over such a huge misunderstanding”.
In this thread of today, you asked for help three times: “Please, please, help… Help”. You shared that you (23) dated your most recent boyfriend (25) for two years, that it was his first relationship. You met while you were studying, became friends, you then graduated and moved back home. He followed you less than two months ago, but since living in your state, “he’s been distant, only focusing on himself and issues, on his apartment hunt, etc.. the basic things that comes with moving.. giving me minimal attention and love”. You asked him to show you “signs of affection”, yet “he provides his minimum effort claiming that’s what he can do ‘FOR NOW’!”
A few days ago, “so frustrated and angry at him”, you “attacked him with my words and insulted him”. You then apologized many times, he said that he accepted your apology but the next day, “he just went back to his old ways of showing me a lack of love, attention, etc.” Next, you were “just rude all the time”. In a club with him, you “craved his attention so much.. wanted him to come and speak to me” while you “barely spoke to him all night and just ignored him cause I was so upset”. He got angry at you, told you to “F off, go dance with guys”, and then left you alone to manage a ride back home.
When you spoke next, “all he would admit is how it’s MY fault for not putting up with him and his transition and how I’d constantly nag, complain and want love when he’s stressed”.
And now, my input and effort to help you: I think that your recent boyfriend is correct-it was your fault: you really did demand a lot from him while he was stressed moving to a new place, a new state, looking for a job and a place to live. You were quite selfish, demanding so much from him. You should have helped him instead of making his life unnecessarily more difficult than it already was.
It is very distressing for a man (for anyone, really) to have a woman constantly nag, complain and demand. And then,to top your impatient, selfish ways, you verbally humiliated him at length.
It is interesting that you referred to the first man you shared about in 2017 using these words: “his toxic behavior.. such a toxic relationship“, while a few years later, you are describing toxic behavior on your part, and a toxic relationship due to your behavior.
You wrote about that man in 2017, that he insulted you and then he apologized (“insulting me, downgrading me.. he.. apologized”). And this is exactly what you did to your recent boyfriend: you insulted him, downgraded him and then you apologized.
I am guessing that the old relationship, with all the fighting in it (the “multiple fights”) , the breakups and getting back together, that all that hurt your performance at school. Fast forward, you’ve been unemployed since you graduated. If you stop fighting with men, breaking up and getting back together, fight again and repeat- you will perform better in life, be it in school or the workforce.
“How can I CHANGE?”, you asked a few years ago. This is my answer: control your behavior when you feel angry. Just because you feel angry, doesn’t mean you are right or that you should fight. Don’t fight and then apologize; don’t fight to begin with.
Also, concentrate on getting a job and launching your career. Your relationships with these two men did nothing to help you in life, nor were the men helped (bey0nd the sexual element, I suppose). These have been Lose-Lose relationships, a waste of time and resources.
I will be glad to offer you more suggestions. Let me know what you think of my input, if you would like, and we’ll take it from there.
anitaDecember 4, 2019 at 10:44 am #326011PeterParticipant
Hi Jamie: The best advice I’ve gotten about relationships is from the following books which I very much recommend.
- How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
- The Languages of Love
- Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
As a practice I might also recommend ballroom dance lessons as it requires each person in a partnership to take responsibility for creating space for the partner and at the same time filling space.
Its is said that an aspect of Relationships is to act as the crucible in which we discover ourselves. What this means is that we are going to step on our ‘ghosts.’ (subconscious issues that need healing). One thing ‘ghosts’ love to do is play with other peoples ‘ghosts’. The key to working through these issues, ‘having the ‘ghosts’ move on into the light, is to make them conscious. Which is where the book recommendations come in.
Wishing you the bestDecember 4, 2019 at 11:02 am #326015InkyParticipant
My mature advice Part One would be to realize that you’re not in a real relationship at all. If you’re doing all the work, and he gets pissed off and does nothing, then DROP THE ROPE.
You did at the club, but in a huffy way. And by the way, him leaving you to find your own ride: That’s a deal breaker in my book. I don’t care if we live in the world of Uber. And he grabbed your arm and swore at you?
My immature advice would be to date other people and see if he notices.
My mature advice Part Two would be to text him and write: “It’s not working. Good luck on your job and apartment search. I wish you well.”