Hi Christy,

I understand where you’re coming from. My ex-boyfriend and I split up in December. There are still times now where I feel we share the same soul. It’s hard… However, the fact that we are able to see and say it’s a toxic relationship says a lot.

The last year of our relationship was an absolute rollercoaster too. So much so that I too was drinking a LOT, and got addicted to prescription medication (i.e Xanax). In December we were in France (where we work) and I went on an absolute bender of a week following something that happened, and had to come back home.

I went to a Wellness Centre for 3 weeks as I was in a very bad state, and I made the very hard decision to cut off all communication with him. He was very angry (I think mainly because he didn’t expect it), but his response actually helped. I felt lighter, and was able to focus on myself, and look at the situation in the big picture, look at WHY I was allowing myself to be treated in such a bad way, and allowing him to make me feel it was ALL my doing. Of course I had a large part to play in it, but I was not acting myself, at all.

One thing I will say … once your partner and relationship loses respect from either one of you, as well as your friend, it’s very hard to get back… Also… I feel outsiders see a lot more than we do, especially our families.

I have since spoken to him again, when I hit a low, and at first it felt amazing, because I miss him so much, and I know he misses me… But very quickly I started picking up on the same selfish behaviour. Fortunately for myself, I have done a lot of self-relection and work with pyscholgists to notice these things. He sadly, has not. I almost feel sorry for him because of that. But that’s not my problem. Love can become an addiction… and that’s not always a good thing. It’s very difficult to see the difference between genuine love, and a love addiction.

It sounds petty, but a pros and cons list of the relationship is something I have found really useful. When you’re feeling down it’s really difficult to not seek comfort in the good memories… It’s natural. I keep the Cons list available to look at as a reminder during these times.

This is not to say I am ruling out ever being with him, but until we both sort our individual issues out, it will not work. It will never be a healthy relationship. It’s very difficult to sort out personal problems together, as quite often people do this at different speeds. If, in the future, our paths cross again, and we’re at a similar level of peace of mind, then fantastic. If not… I’m willing to go through this period of difficulty to open space for my own peace of mind, rather than always ‘wandering’ if this is right or not.

Remember… Your body’s reaction to situations rarely lie. Your mind can get clouded. Trust your intuition.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. Don’t force it.

Dear christy:

You wrote: “he’s the only thing that takes my pain away.. Will the pain of us not working out ever go away?”-

Will you share about the pain, the pain you look for him to take away and the pain of you and him not working out, these two types of pain (or are they the same)?

anita