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I can't move on

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  • #159924
    sage
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I were together for 18 months. Two months ago I moved to another country and we vowed to stay together and someday get married. After a few weeks of being apart he told me he needed a break and so I obliged. For a month and a half now I’ve been waiting for him to come back to me and for us to be okay again and he swore on his life that he would be back and he still loves me and we’re getting married. But recently I was told he’s with another girl and it destroyed me. I’ve been waiting so patiently for him, I’ve acted like his best friend and I’ve been there for him and cared about him. He’s been treating me like trash and never caring or making sure I’m okay and now he’s with someone else.

    I called him and was basically like “okay what is going on” and he said he thinks deep down he still loves me he just needs to figure it out. I was about to just give up and end the hurting and the confusion when he told me he has a plane ticket and a hotel booked to come visit me. He said no matter what happens he’ll still come and surprise me and he says after he can just see me again he’ll be ready to commit and be okay.

    We’ve decided not to speak for two weeks and it’s so hard. I’m in a lot of pain and can’t get the image of him with another girl out of my head and I’m so scared he’s going to fall in love with her and all my waiting was for nothing.

    This is all just a big mess and I’m seeking clarity and peace in my life right now and help would be greatly appreciated!!

    #159934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sage:

    You wrote that recently you were told that he is involved with another woman. Did he verify that and is your source reliable?

    You also wrote that he treated you like trash: can you elaborate on that?

    anita

    #159944
    sage
    Participant

    Yes I asked him myself if he was seeing someone else and he said yes. The entire time we were on the break he would vent and talk to me about all of his issues and hard things happening in his life and I listened and was there for him. But when I would tell him about my problems and self harm he said it didn’t mean anything and he’s had to deal with worse and my problems aren’t a big deal. I told him he was hurting me one day and all he said was “f**** you.” He repeatedly told me while on said break I needed to work out, even though I only weigh about 100 lbs. It was all so out of character of him he’s always been so loving and good to me.

    I also don’t understand why he can be with somebody else right now but can’t bring himself to be with the woman he promises to marry someday?

    It’s all so confusing and I need guidance and peace with what to do. Thank you so much.

    #159990
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello Sage

    Sometimes we love them too much to let go and overlook the importance of happiness. Do you think you are happy in this relationship/situation?

    I just experienced a terrible breakup, and I realized the more I allowed it to linger the more painful it became. So eventually I had to let go because I wanted to pursue my own happiness and become a better person who knows how to love herself more.

    Nobody can really tell you what his intentions are as I still do not have answers for my own breakup. We just need to look forward and have faith in finding peace for our wounded hearts. It’s a painful process but if you are determined to move forward, it will get better! You’re not alone, so don’t lose hopes.

    Connie

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Connie.
    #159996
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sage:

    Two months ago, you wrote, the two of you “vowed to stay together”, after a few weeks he broke up with you and he is currently involved with another woman. A vow is a serious promise. He broke his promise to you.

    You wrote that “he swore on his life that he would be back and he still loves me and we’re getting married” – maybe his words should not be trusted. After all, it doesn’t take much time or effort to say things.

    You wrote that you’ve been waiting so patiently for him, having been his best friend- maybe time to re-evaluate waiting for him, maybe it is not a good idea to wait for him.

    When you were on a break he told you that your problems didn’t mean anything, not a big deal, including you self harming. This means that although you were a best friend to him, he was not a friend to you.

    You wrote that “It’s all so confusing”- I am thinking that you don’t really know him, and that is why you are confused. First, do you know that he is not a man of his word? That you cannot trust what he says to you? Do you also know that he is not a true friend?

    If I was you, I wouldn’t accommodate his travel plans to see you (if at all he made such or will, as his words are suspect to me).

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by anita.
    #160012
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sage,

    I don’t have much to add. I’m sorry you are going through this. I guess you just have to ask yourself even if you did marry him..things would not get better as he would still disrespect, belittle and not show concern for you. He would still be emotionally abusive and you would me miserable. Marriage won’t make him change, only he can do that. Chances are, if he is abusive to you, he is most likely abusive to the other woman.

    #160016
    ACE
    Participant

    Hi Sage

    I am going through a very similar situation at the moment; I have also reached out on here, you can read what I wrote under ‘Relationships – Do I fight or should he?’ I love my ex so much and despite recognising that he didn’t treat me right its so hard to let go of the good times and the good in him that I loved and still do. Where Connie wrote ‘Sometimes we love them too much to let go and overlook the importance of happiness. Do you think you are happy in this relationship/situation?’ This has really resonated with me because its true. I do love him so much and despite the fact I knew (especially towards the end) that he wasn’t making me happy I still even now want him back. He has hurt me so much. I haven’t contacted him since he moved out but I am close to breaking that. Maybe we can help each other through this. Hugs. ACE

    #160110
    sage
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your love and guidance and support. All of your words have helped me start to heal and move on and begin to find happiness again.

    ACE, I’m with you! It hurts so bad doesn’t it? Something that really helped me today was I “spoiled myself.” I bought myself something for the first time in months (almost all my money went towards gifts for my ex) and took a bath and watched a movie and just tried as hard as possible to forget it. I put all of his clothes and gifts and pictures of him away and out of sight and it really helped and I highly recommend you do the same. Another thing is I’ve set a two week period and told myself in two weeks I can text him, but I think by that point I’ll almost be 100% healed. I’m an extremely self conscious person but today I really tried to be confident and tell myself things like “I bet his new chick can’t rock jeans like this!” I’ve also found peace in meditation and journaling.

    Again this forum has really saved me from a lot of darkness and confusion and hurt, thank you all for your advice and insight it was all amazing.

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