fbpx
Menu

I can't stop feeling guilty after we broke up

Home→Forums→Relationships→I can't stop feeling guilty after we broke up

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • May 26, 2015 at 6:58 am #77266
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I am going through some issues. My now ex and i have been best friends and one and off for 9yrs. Last year when we weren’t together I made the decision to move to the UK. I had the flights all booked for 5mths later but during those 5mths we got back together. I ended up having to have urgent surgery and canceling all my flights for recovery and during this extended time I moved in with him to save money. During my recovery he kept asking when i was rebooking my flights and i always said i dunno, maybe end of the month. I was putting off booking the flights but I’m not sure why – maybe I was expecting something else to come up or just in denial to not scare myself of such a big step. he started pulling away and we broke up and i know it was because I was leaving. After chatting he said that the main reason is that I never actually spoke to him about me going and he couldnt handle not knowing how long we’ll have left. I never once asked him to come, offered to wait or included him in the decision. I just assumed he was coming at the end of the year as he had said that before. Now the guilt I have is killing me. As he put it ‘how could I move away from someone I care so much about or at least not discuss a plan to go together?’ I asked why he didn’t bring it up and he said he tried. I honestly never thought about it and after our talked i begged for him to take me back, and said I can wait for him until we can both go but now he won’t have a bar of it. He’s checked out and I am dying inside. How could I be so inconsiderate!
    0 Reply

    May 26, 2015 at 7:34 am #77271
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear caroline:
    You wrote that you suffer from depression and anxiety. For how long? If recent, following what event?

    You wrote that you moved in with your boyfriend to save money. Did he know/ did you tell him that was the reason you moved in with him and not to advance the relationship?

    You wrote that you and him were best friends. How was your communication- when did it became not so good?

    You wrote that you were bf-gf “on and off”- what were the off times about?

    Take care:
    anita

    May 26, 2015 at 3:58 pm #77331
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    Sorry I’ve never written to a forum and can be very vague/all over the place.
    .I’ve had depression and anxiety for about 15yrs so it’s nothing new. It just doesn’t help me with issues like this.

    Yes he did know that it was to save money but it was also a test to see if we could live together. We are best friends but communication has always been an issue. He likes to confront issues where I like to step back and get my head straight before I know what I’m thinking/feeling. I also tend to close off when I’m not in a good way which infuriates him. I was getting better at letting him know when I wasn’t in a good head space but after surgery I let that slip.

    We were on and off about 10 times – he broke it off the first time because he couldn’t handle me coming off antidepressants but every time after that was always me breaking it off. The stress always got too much so I ran.

    There is a lot more to the story and more issues I had but the part I’m having trouble with is the guilt for not even thinking about him when it came to my trip.yes granted when I first had the plans things were all booked but once I had surgery and canceled everything I could have started over and included him. But I never thought to so that.if I love him so much how could I be so selfish?

    May 27, 2015 at 12:41 am #77341
    Jennifer Brown
    Participant

    Hi, first off, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re suffering. I also deal with depression and anxiety and, for me, guilt equals a constant state of fear and panic that I can barely cope with. From reading your post I almost feel like there’s a subconscious reason that you didn’t go out of your way to plan your future with your ex. Is he understanding and sympathetic when you’re feeling down? It doesn’t seem like he tried all that hard to discuss your future together. Does he normally find fault in your actions and then use them? Forgive me if I am making harsh assumptions. I was a little bothered to read that your first breakup was initiated by him, because he couldn’t handle you coming off of antidepressants. I feel like that’s a terrible time to turn your back on someone, and I probably would not trust them any longer. Just take a very careful look at anyone that makes you feel bad about who you are.
    I hope you can find inner balance soon!

    Cheers,

    Jen

    May 27, 2015 at 1:18 am #77342
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi Jen,

    I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one that guilt seems excessive too.
    We had had the odd comment that he would move over afterwards and I suppose I just assumed that we were both happy with that. We had future plans to move back to our hometown and settle down etc so this was just a step towards that.
    He is understanding and one of the only people I know that can read me and I feel comfortable with. I think that’s why I find it so hard to let go. He said he did try to talk to me but I’m not the easiest person to talk to when I’m down. I tend to put my head in the sand a bit 🙁 I do feel like he criticizes my actions and talks down to me sometimes. He says he wants me to open up but doesn’t give the most warming reaction when I do.

    The first break up was 8yrs ago and I was getting pretty low. I wasn’t doing anything to help myself which is what he found frustrating and he couldn’t cope. I eventually took his advice and got better but I am very stubborn when it comes to being told what is wrong with me and what I should do. I do feel like I haven’t been able to drop the wall and relax fully around him as (maybe) I think if I show him how down I get he’ll leave again. I know that’s not a good thing and he says he wants me to let him help me but I find it very hard to be that vulnerable.

    I tend to hide away to deal with my issues as to not burden or bother anyone – God even writing this down sounds terrible and all over the place! Please don’t judge me (this is very hard for me right now but objective responses are helping)

    May 27, 2015 at 1:27 am #77343
    Caroline
    Participant

    Please don’t take him as a bad guy because he’s not. He only wants the best for me and tries to give me the push to help myself. He is very understanding but obviously gets frustrated that we finally agree on a way for us to cope with something (eg me telling him when I’m down) but then I slip back into old ways (trying to sort it myself to not bother him – and because half the time even I don’t know what wrong)

    May 27, 2015 at 8:04 am #77361
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear caroline:
    I do not perceive your ex as a bad guy at all and like you asked I will not be judging you. I can relate to your fear of being vulnerable on this forum (to others’ judgments, criticism) as well as being vulnerable with your boyfriend when in a relationship with him. I perceive the two of you as imperfect people. Perfection is not possible though. Regarding your guilt: I struggled with massive amounts of guilt. What finally got through to me and was immensely helpful is this reality:

    I am only responsible for my participation in every interaction.

    Your ex is responsible, fully responsible, 100% responsible for his participation in the relationship with you, for his choices in the context of your relationship. You didn’t “make him” be in relationship with you. True, you are 100% responsible for your choices and behavior in the relationship but he is responsible for his… which means…

    … the nature of the relationship you had with the ex, what it was, how long it was, there is a shared responsiblity of 50-50.

    Another point that is extremely helpful to me is self compassion. It took me many years to realize that as a child i was not a bad person. I only believed that I was. I finally realized I was a good child, born good, loving and wanting to be loved. Things went wrong and I isolated and withdrew and distrusted people and of course I was not loving most of the time- I was in a self protection mode. I forgive myself now. I let go of my anger toward myself, my own judgment against myself.

    What do you think???
    anita

    May 27, 2015 at 11:02 pm #77405
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your reply.

    I think my main issue is yes I am only responsible for my actions however my actions have caused pain for someone else. That’s where the overwhelming guilt is. I have spoken to him and he said hes forgiven me but im hoping with time I can forgive myself.

    You have given me a different way of viewing things and although I may not be able to fully comprehend them right now and take a different way of thinking I will keep reading these replies and with time I hope to.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.