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I cant stop thinking of her, i need help

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This topic contains 23 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #324251

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You are welcome. You wrote that you are feeling better about your height but you are worried that you will be concerned about your height again (“I don’t know if I might get concern about my height again, like maybe when I see the mirror I might think of that concern again but I hope it won’t happen again”-

    – most likely it will happen again and maybe it already did, after your last post. Serious concerns such as this do not just disappear. Likely you will be concerned again many times. But don’t be alarmed when that happens. Strong feelings get recorded in our brain and even when we don’t feel them in a particular hour or day, we will feel them again. It is not because we have weak characters, it is because of our  animal nature.

    Don’t be alarmed, expect it, and it will not feel as bad. Over time, as you continue to correct your thinking, as you make better choices in life and as your life gets better, you will feel better about your height consistently.

    “one of her friends describing her .. she’s pretty, kind and she’s a girl who’s getting chased by a lot of boys”- what does it mean to you, that she may be “getting chased by a lot of  boys”?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  anita.
    #324337

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    -most likely it will happen again and maybe it already did, after your last post. Serious concerns such as this do not just disappear. Likely you will be concerned again many times. But don’t be alarmed when that happens. Strong feelings get recorded in our brain and even when we don’t feel them in a particular hour or day, we will feel them again. It is not because we have weak characters, it is because of our  animal nature

     

    =yes its true it happened again as just now while im working out i saw that most of the boys are way taller than me and it drops my mood again. I just wish that i can as soon as possible get a partner so that i wont worry about height anymore because most concerns of my height is due to girls turn off when they look at me due to my height.

    -“one of her friends describing her .. she’s pretty, kind and she’s a girl who’s getting chased by a lot of boys”- what does it mean to you, that she may be “getting chased by a lot of  boys”?

    = Here what i mean is that her friend describe her as a girl who is pretty, kind and that most boys are always attracted to her in her looks and her innocent personality (like me who’s attracted). I sometimes feel afraid that someone will get close to her because they are attracted to her looks and personality even though right now im lazy to talk to her and think about her. But there is still this uneasy feeling that someone might wanna get close to her.

    Another issue is that sometimes i get jealous of her that she’s born pretty and have that innocent personality that she can attract boys unconsciously and she can even reject them, meanwhile i have it hard in finding a single girl who is attracted to me. Idk if its normal that i feel jealous to an opposite gender.

     

    Regards,

    Felix

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Felix.
    #324389

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    “Idk if it’s normal that I feel jealous to an opposite gender”- yes, it is normal: nothing in your human experience is alien to the human experience. When we think that we are the only ones who think or feel this way or that,  it is because we don’t know that.. everyone else thinks and feels (or has thought and felt) this way and that way.

    “I just wish hat I can as soon as possible get a partner so that I won’t worry about height anymore”- unfortunately, finding a girlfriend is not going to be the answer to your height dissatisfaction. When you have a girlfriend you may worry: what if she likes that man over there because he is taller?

    Therefore, instead of  waiting for a future situation and imagine your dissatisfaction resolving itself at that future time, aim at resolving it now. It will not be easy to resolve it, but aim at it. This height is staying with you for decades to come, try to be okay with it. After all, it is possible for a 5’5” man to be okay with his looks (and have a loving girlfriend), and it is possible for a 6′ to be unhappy with his looks and not have a girlfriend.

    Regarding the girl- I suppose with time she will date another young man. Good thing, there are other young women in your area of the world. Good thing she is not the only one.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  anita.
    #325009

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Anita thank you for always replying me, you’ve help me a lot in improving myself for the better. I’m truly truly thankful to you.

    Well besides my height problems that im concern of, it looks like i have found my most crucial problems which is my communication skills as im an introvert. I’m lazy to start a conversation with anyone since i’m a kid and right now every time i meet new people i’ll feel pressured and feel confused in what to reply. Sometimes i reply weirdly because i feel so pressured in talking to new people which cause that person to lose interest in me. As i also have a fierce face it makes it more difficult for people to start a conversation with me. This issue also applies in talking to girls, whenever i see a girl which i find attractive and i dont know her, i’ll feel shy to talk and even shy to look her in the eye so i pretend to not care and start playing with my phone to avoid feeling shy. I feel that i need to get to know the girls first so that i can talk, even though my talking skills are also bad. Idk what i should do to impress girls, as i already have a disadvantage in height and now its communication skills. Most people who first know me they see me as a cold person which actually im not. Im just shy to look at them in the eye and its frustrating for me. Even to start a conversation with girls through text im also shy, im afraid i might sound weird and i ended not texting any girls. Idk what solutions to overcome this problem has been on me for like a decade long.

    As for the girl i use to talk about, even though im shy i get to know her because of an accidental chat. In which her friends dare her to chat me that time. And that she texted me first even though its not intentional, in which im confident that time because she’s the one texting me first and i have nothing to lose…. and therefore i ended up liking her for a long time till now.

     

    #325015

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You are welcome. Thank you for expressing your appreciation.

    As far as “talking skills”- you can learn these skills. Question is where and how. If there was a class in school called “talking skills”, that would have been wonderful. But still, you can learn that.

    Your “fierce face”, you can change that by sitting in front of the mirror and relaxing your face until it doesn’t look fierce anymore. Then, when you are in public, relax your face from time to time, just like you did in front of the mirror.

    Eye contact- same thing, when in public, intentionally look a person who is talking to you, in the eyes, once in a while.

    Back to talking skills, you can post to me beginning of conversations you had, what a person said to you when you didn’t know what to say in return, and I can suggest to you what you can say in return. You can describe to me this or that situation where you didn’t know what to say, and I can suggest to you what you could say in these situations.

    anita

     

    #325469

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Back to talking skills, you can post to me beginning of conversations you had, what a person said to you when you didn’t know what to say in return, and I can suggest to you what you can say in return. You can describe to me this or that situation where you didn’t know what to say, and I can suggest to you what you could say in these situations.

    = Thanks, and yep i’ll try this is i need some suggestion regarding situation i didnt know what to say

    Btw im gonna talk about another issue, so there’s this girl that i notice in instagram and her appearance attracted me and they way she comments in her feeds shows that she has a friendly personality and kind of my type and her parents is also a friend of my parents but i yet to get to know her because she’s from different highschool and she just got into university now (she’s 2 years younger than me). So on January next year my parents told me that we’re going holiday and they told me that her family is on the same flight as us, and she told me that i will meet their daughter and i should try getting to know each other with her. I feel happy but at the same time im also sad because when i saw her instagram pics i’m sure that she and me has the same height (always troubled with this issue), also in her pics she wears thick sandals casually instead of flat sandals and im really unmotivated because of this and she has a different religion. Other than that also there is this communication skills im lacking. But still when we met later what i really want is to have a good talking with her when we first met later and i’ll try to get close to her by replying her instagram stories.

    #325471

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    It is true for every man, almost every young man: you will come across a woman you think is attractive, then another, and they yet another: a series of attractive women. A few of them will reject you. Again, this is true to almost every single man on the face of the earth. Key is to not let this fact-of-life discourage you so much that you are stuck in anxiety.

    If you only need one woman, then you need.. only one woman. This means if 99 women reject you, that is okay if the 100th accepts you and the two of you build a lifetime of love together.

    So let’s say you do share a flight with this young woman. It is not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out with her. At worst, it will be one more rejection, but not the end of your chances for romance and love.

    If you see it this way, you will be  less anxious and able to function better in her company and in any woman’s company.

    Sharing an airplane flight with her means the two  of you will be sitting most of the time, no height issue sitting, correct?

    With this woman, and any other, focus on your advantages. Every time you find yourself focused on your disadvantages, switch your focus. Also, those disadvantages that you can improve- take on the learning process of improving those.

    You can prepare a conversation starter with this woman. A woman (and a man) like an opportunity to talk about what they care about. Find out something that she cares about and ask her about it. Let her talk about it. It will be easier for you to listen to her than to talk to her. So let her talk. After she talks some, ask her a question about something she said. She will like it that you asked and appreciate the opportunity to tell you more.

    Women like to be listened to, that is an attractive feature about a man to a whole lot of women. Imagine she is sitting in the airplane with a tall man who doesn’t care about what she is thinking, doesn’t ask.. what good is his height- see my point?

    anita

    #325523

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    We’re going in the same airplane but not in the same seats, therefore due to my parents and hers are friends that both of our families are most likely to meet before boarding the airplane and if we talk it’ll be both of us standing and she’ll see my height. But i get what you mean that i should think of my advantage instead of disadvantage as its a positive approach to the mindset but its a bit hard as im still not accepting my height.

    Women like to be listened to, that is an attractive feature about a man to a whole lot of women. Imagine she is sitting in the airplane with a tall man who doesn’t care about what she is thinking, doesn’t ask.. what good is his height- see my point?

    =Yes i get your point, but its not about tall man, its about boys that are taller than her and majority of boys here is taller. I just wanna be the same as them where i at least slightly taller than majority of girls here, i dont demand to be really tall just slightly taller. I know i cant change a think but i relieves me if i keep complaining of how unlucky i am haha, i hope you dont mind. And im sorry if i keep talking about this height matter all over and over again haha as im really a hard headed person regarding my weakness.

     

    #325577

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    “it’s a bit hard as I’m still not accepting my height”- it is hard because you feel anxious and uncomfortable about your height. The only way to function better in the company of a woman is to act more confident even though you feel anxious and uncomfortable. If you wait to feel confident before you act confident, you ..will never act confident and stay alone and lonely.

    You will have to act more confident today than you did yesterday, and more confident tomorrow than you did today- a gradual getting better at it, with daily practice. Over time, if you persist and be patient about it, your confident behavior will get positive results and those results will bring you that confident feeling.

    I want to make sure this point is clear: to be more confident you will have to endure the anxious, uncomfortable feeling and act confident regardless. It is a painful behavior change: to  behave confidently even though you feel anxious and uncomfortable.

    Regarding your height- yes, I know and you know that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make yourself taller, other than shoes, of  course.. and I wonder if there is a surgery available to implant bones or  some substance to  elongate the body; not likely, it is probably a sci-fi idea. But no, you can’t make yourself taller and no asking anyone, including the god of height justice will make any difference for you. But like I wrote to you before, there are so many, many people your exact age, today, who  are feeling badly about some aspect of their bodies, including women, millions and millions all  over the world.

    So, have some humility: it is not the god of justice (who doesn’t exist) picked you of all the people of the world to suffer height-injustice. You are one of many millions of men and women today who are upset  about this or that aspect  of their bodies. Keep this bigger picture in mind. Look around you and notice other people and how upset so many of them are about their bodies. This will change your I-am-the-only-one perspective.

    So you will see this girl or young woman in the airport, boarding the same plane, but you will not sit with her. And her parents will  be there, so you can’t hit  on her, really. Meaning, tall or short, you can’t or shouldn’t be anything more than friendly. When you see her, act confidently, see that you are standing tall (good posture), that you are dressed appropriately, clean and neat and clothes not too  tight, a bit loose (my preference), hair neat, smile and greet her in a friendly way. You can practice the posture, walking to her, the smile, the greeting, all these, in front of the mirror.

    Think of the airport event as an opportunity to start behaving confidently. Focus on your performance, not on the results. If you performed well, behaving confidently even though you felt crappy, then the event will be a success!

    anita

     

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