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I cant stop thinking of her, i need help

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 days, 22 hours ago.

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  • #317343

    Felix
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So basically i’ve been chatting with a girl who rejected me 3 years ago. I’m 20 years old and she is 16. We’re close friends now, at that time after she rejected me i keep being friends with her with the hoping of she might like me someday when i keep getting close to her. Lately i keep giving her hints that i wanna watch movie with her, and she said that she doesnt want because it would look like a date and she doesnt wanna date anyone. And i ask when will u wanna date anyone, she said she’s not thinking of that right now and if she wanna like someone it might be a long time in the future. I keep wanting to move on from her since then, that i’m growing tired of getting close to her for 3 years. Its not that i wanna find a girl now, i just wanna forget about her but i cant. Everytime i posted a story on instagram, she’ll reply and it’s making me hoping again. When she posted story i also always keep wanting to reply her when i know i shouldnt. I’m thinking of hiding her from my insta stories and i wanna hide her story from my feeds too. But she might find out someday and she’d feel sad because she might think that she made a mistake to me (she feel guilty when rejected me that time, and also to other guys she rejected). I really wanna do this to forget about her, but i also keep thinking that if i do that, one day someone might get close to her. I’m really stressed right now on what i should do, especially the instagram part. Pls help me

    #317345

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    Having read your previous threads, this girl, 16 years old, has been very consistent in her position that she doesn’t want a boyfriend, only friends. She never changed her mind on the matter. And good for her, as young as she is, to not get into a romantic relationship with any boy or man.

    I recommend that you explain to her that you respect her choice, that you believe her choice is right for her, and that you are unable to be a friend to her because you “can’t stop thinking of her” in a romantic way! Tell her the truth, tell her it is not her fault that you think about her this way, and for so long.

    Tell her it is best the two of you have no contact whatsoever, so that maybe you will stop thinking about her romantically and so much. Then establish no- contact, including in all forms of social media.

    Post here anytime, to express yourself- if it makes you feel better, as I hope it does.

    anita

     

    #317349

    Valora
    Participant

    I remember your previous threads, as well, and I think it’s very important that you accept that she is not interested in you romantically. She is trying to be nice about it, though, by saying she’s just not interested in dating. That is her trying to let you down easy without hurting your feelings, but if someone comes along that she is truly interested in dating, be prepared for her to start dating him.

    I am telling you this because I want you to realize that you blocking her for your own self-care is not going to affect whether or not she dates or gets close someone else in the future. That is likely going to happen regardless of what you do, but you will probably feel less pain when she does if you take the time to detach from her some. So I would just explain to her that you need time apart, then block her on all outlets and don’t talk to her for a while, at least until you are able to stop thinking about her all the time, are feeling better, and have accepted that she is not interested.

    #317679

    Felix
    Participant

    Hi valora thank you so much for your reply! I dont know why she isnt interested in liking anyone, as she rejected some boys besides me in the past. She keep posting insta stories in her close friends list (and i’m one of it) since we didnt chat daily that day. I keep getting a feeling that she wants my attention but im guessing this is only my feeling as she stated that she doesnt wanna like anyone. I dont think i can tell her that i need time apart and tell her that i like her all this time, idk what will happen if i said that. I keep seeing her stories in my feed but i didnt open it, and i rarely post insta stories now because i dont want her to reply me. I know this sounds dumb but i dont wanna tell her the truth now because i still keep hoping that someday she might accept me, that maybe i can contact her again in the future. I’m pretty sure she doesnt like anyone now, but i’m really stressed that she’s still trying to keep in contact with me. Sometimes also feel uneasy that she recently changed her insta profile picture into a better one. I keep feeling insecure even though i shouldn’t. I’m trying to help myself to stop thinking of her but there isnt a single day that i dont think of her.

    #317681

    Felix
    Participant

    Hi anita thank you so much for you reply! I dont think i can tell her the truth that i like her all this time, because idk what will happen between our relationship. She might feel guilty and might reject me if i try to contact her. I also still have this feeling that i shouldnt tell her the truth because maybe someday i can contact her and she might be the one, i know this doesnt sound right but this is what i think. Sometimes I also feel uneasy that she recently changed her insta profile picture into a better one. I keep feeling insecure even though i shouldn’t. I’m trying to help myself to stop thinking of her but there isnt a single day that i dont think of her. I really wanna block her off my social media, but my head keeps getting insecure about her and i cant take it. Idk what i should do

    #317723

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You wrote: “I just wanna forget about her but I can’t… I’m trying to help myself to stop thinking of her but there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of her”-

    – you tried long and hard to not think of her and it didn’t work, so better stop trying to not think of her. Allow yourself to think of her without trying to stop. But at the same time, make a space in your brain to think about practical things regarding your life. You can allow yourself to think of her let’s say (examples), 10 minutes every hour, or think of her after 4 pm every day but not before. So you start thinking about her at 8 am, say to yourself: later, I will think of her at 4 pm.

    You wrote: “I still keep hoping that someday she might accept me, that maybe I can contact her again in the future… maybe someday I can contact her and she might be the one”-

    – decide then to contact her a year from now, choose a date and put the date in your calendar. From now until then think about and go about your life in practical ways so that you are more likely to be accepted by her when you do contact her. Take care of your health and get in good physical shape, do well in your studies, job/ career. Make yourself a good candidate for her.

    What do you think about my suggestion?

    anita

     

    #317787

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you so much for replying again !

    – you tried long and hard to not think of her and it didn’t work, so better stop trying to not think of her. Allow yourself to think of her without trying to stop. But at the same time, make a space in your brain to think about practical things regarding your life. You can allow yourself to think of her let’s say (examples), 10 minutes every hour, or think of her after 4 pm every day but not before. So you start thinking about her at 8 am, say to yourself: later, I will think of her at 4 pm.

    = I try to do this and i guess its quite working for me instead of forcing myself to stop thinking of her.

     

    – decide then to contact her a year from now, choose a date and put the date in your calendar. From now until then think about and go about your life in practical ways so that you are more likely to be accepted by her when you do contact her. Take care of your health and get in good physical shape, do well in your studies, job/ career. Make yourself a good candidate for her.

    = This is a good suggestion, but do u think if i do this that means that i’m still hoping for her? But i cant force myself to not make her a candidate of me in the future but i’ll try as maybe i can stop thinking of her as time passes by because i dont contact her anymore.

    Right now i’ve muted her insta stories so that i wont see her activities, she will soon notice that i didnt view her stories anymore.. do u think this will make her dislike me and eliminate my chances to make her a candidate in the future?

    And also i’ll try to improve myself in a better physical shape and improve my career later on to be a better candidate in the future (maybe), but even so.. there is one flaw that i cant change which that both of us have the same height which is 5’5. Do u think this might be a problem?

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Felix.
    #317801

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    I don’t think it is a problem that a man and a woman are of the same height, be it 5’5”. Height is just one factor in compatibility. Let’s say a woman prefers a man who is taller  than her, but if there are other things she likes about him, she’ll compromise her preference for a taller man.

    I think it is okay that you muted her insta stories. I don’t think it is a problem.

    Regarding my suggestion that you make yourself a good candidate for her, you asked: “do u think if I do this that means that I’m still hoping for her?”- thing is you have been hoping for her for years by this point and you tried but failed to stop hoping  for her. So.. why try again? Better work on becoming a better candidate for her- it will keep you busy doing something positive for yourself.

    And if she doesn’t consider you as a candidate in the future, your good work will make you a good candidate for … someone else!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  anita.
    #317949

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Felix!

    It’s likely she keeps rejecting boys because she hasn’t found any that she connects with in that way, and it’s possible she’s the type of girl who doesn’t mind being single, so she will stay single until she finds that connection. If she doesn’t feel that connection with you after being such close friends already, I would not count on it ever happening.

    Do you think it’s possible that you keep feeling like she wants to get your attention because that’s what you are hoping for? It would make you feel good if that were true? It seems to me, though, if she wanted your attention, she would just message you because you haven’t blocked her or asked for time apart yet, right?

    I think the best way for you to get over this is to look at the situation exactly as it is without reading into anything. If you are close friends and she isn’t making any effort to talk to you other than liking or commenting on social media (which typically doesn’t mean anything more than friendship to most people), it’s likely she isn’t interested in anything more with you and I wouldn’t assume or wonder if there’s more at this point, given her behavior. If she’s not interested as it is, you not looking at her stuff on social media won’t likely decrease your chances of her being interested, and you looking at her stuff won’t increase it either because it would’ve worked by now if that were the case. You’ve been active in her life for a long time and she still isn’t interested…. so I would quit worrying about what will or won’t affect her interest in you and just focusing on becoming your best self for you.

    If, in the future, when you are both older and she is out of high school, you two become close again and she seems more interested and ready to date, then I think it would okay to tell her how you feel, but as for right now, I would just try to move on, and, who knows, maybe you will attract someone you like even better and will forget all about her.

    #318507

    David
    Participant

    Love is not about abusing or suffering but it just about happy. So let her go.

    #322061

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    After a month of trying to move on from her, i think its working even though sometimes late at night i suddenly thought of her. I also started to try working out to improve my body shape.

    Right now i’m considering to find a new girl for me to like, even though she’s still on my mind sometimes. But its just that i’m not confident as i hate my body so much as i’m very short. Everyday i’m always wearing thick sandals and also a bit taller shoes (take could increase 2-3 cm). Because most of the girls in my country is my height, so i’ll wear them to look taller, but its just that when i look in the mirror i see myself taller in those sandals/shoes but i always saw my shirt is still short as my body is short and i see its pointless of me trying to improve anything as i cant make my body longer. I know personality is more important than height, but i never experience a good impression from girls on my body and i hate it.

    I always get jealous of my 5’7 male friends and above that height, its just that whatever they wear, their shirt will never look short. It’s an average height from my country that’s why i really hate it that i have to wear thick sandals and shoes to reach those inches, and even with that my body still looks short. Sometimes for me its not important for me to wear good outfits that i can afford as its pointless, everything i wear looks short on my body.

    One of my close friends said to me that i shouldn’t worry about my height as long as u have the money. But i don’t if he’s only saying this to comfort me as he never experience my short height as he’s 5’7. Every day i look in the mirror i always feel like crying as being short is harder than being fat, because weight can be changed but height can’t and i’ll never be better looking than average height males. Everything i do will always relate to height, even when i’m trying to comfort myself by watching Youtube, the males are mostly above my height and i lose interest in watching it.

     

     

    #322063

    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Valora,

    After a month of trying to move on from her, i think its working even though sometimes late at night i suddenly thought of her. I also started to try working out to improve my body shape.

    Right now i’m considering to find a new girl for me to like, even though she’s still on my mind sometimes. But its just that i’m not confident as i hate my body so much as i’m very short. Everyday i’m always wearing thick sandals and also a bit taller shoes (take could increase 2-3 cm). Because most of the girls in my country is my height, so i’ll wear them to look taller, but its just that when i look in the mirror i see myself taller in those sandals/shoes but i always saw my shirt is still short as my body is short and i see its pointless of me trying to improve anything as i cant make my body longer. I know personality is more important than height, but i never experience a good impression from girls on my body and i hate it.

    I always get jealous of my 5’7 male friends and above that height, its just that whatever they wear, their shirt will never look short. It’s an average height from my country that’s why i really hate it that i have to wear thick sandals and shoes to reach those inches, and even with that my body still looks short. Sometimes for me its not important for me to wear good outfits that i can afford as its pointless, everything i wear looks short on my body.

    One of my close friends said to me that i shouldn’t worry about my height as long as u have the money. But i don’t if he’s only saying this to comfort me as he never experience my short height as he’s 5’7. Every day i look in the mirror i always feel like crying as being short is harder than being fat, because weight can be changed but height can’t and i’ll never be better looking than average height males. Everything i do will always relate to height, even when i’m trying to comfort myself by watching Youtube, the males are mostly above my height and i lose interest in watching it.

    #322081

    zahra
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    By trying hard to forget someone that makes you remember them more, you can not get rid of love that way. simply, you should understand and realize that she doesnt want to date anyone, ask yourself ” for how long i am gonna waste my time waiting for someone to move?” maybe when you forget about her she will change her mind, she still too young to take love seriusly. hide her from your stories on instagram and think logically.

    #322157

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You think that your height is a huge disadvantage and you are focusing and obsessing about your height. You look at yourself in the mirror and say: how short I am! Even if I make myself a few inches taller wearing these shoes, I can see I am just as short because my shirt makes me look short!

    This is what happens in your home as you stand in front of the mirror. Let’s look at what happens all over the world as people stand in front of their mirrors, imagine millions of voices whispering all over the world: I am too tall! too skinny! my nose is too small! too wide! my forehead is too narrow! my hands too small for my body! my hair too thin! too full! too much body hair! what is this pimple here in the middle of my nose! And so on and on and on, millions and millions of unsatisfied people of all ages, boys and girls, men and women.

    I don’t know of any, but I bet there are books and workbooks for people struggling with their body image, not liking and even intensely disliking this or that about their bodies. Maybe getting a book and workbook on the matter will help you. See if you can find such in a library or a book store, in person or online.

    “Right now I’m considering to find a new girl for me to like”- when you meet a new woman that you like very much, you will find out that she too doesn’t like something about her face or body; express to her how much you like her even though she doesn’t look perfectly perfect, in her own mind. And I hope she will let you k now how  much she likes you, even though you are not perfectly perfect, in your own mind.

    You and your future girlfriend/ wife can help each other feel better about how you look, finally accepting your look with some peace of mind and focusing on more meaningful, worthy things.

    anita

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