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I could use some advice

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #410626
    Teddy
    Participant

    Greetings everyone,
    This is my first time seeking out some advice. I have been struggling for years with anxiety and depression, it has made it difficult for me to make friends among several other things. I used to get bullied quite frequently when I was younger and that really had a negative effect on me. I would like to figure out how to socialize like a normal person, ive tried going to events/parties but it usually end up  sitting alone playing with whatever dog/cat/animal I see. I feel like im afraid to talk to people for fear of being bullied again. Its kinda transitioned into work problems ( i feel like my coworkers/managers all dislike me even though ive probably never talked to them. Its made it hard to hold a job because I tend to overthink the smallest details and end up quitting for what the normal person might consider stupid reasons. Im not looking for a magic cure just maybe a bit of insight on better ways to handle these issues.
    Thanks

    #410632
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teddy: I will read and reply in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #410665
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teddy:

    I wish you never got bullied and I am sorry that you were. Because you were frequently bullied when you were younger and because you’ve suffered years of anxiety and depression in your personal life and in your work life, professional help reads like the way to go: it takes time and guided work to gradually undo years-long anxiety and depression.

    I’ve tried going to events/parties but it usually end up  sitting alone playing with whatever dog/cat/animal I see. I feel like I’m afraid to talk to people for fear of being bullied again“- you are not afraid of pets because they won’t bully you and you don’t interpret what they say and do as bullying. For you to comfortably interact with any particular person, it requires that you trust your ability to (1) evaluate a person correctly (2) respond wisely if and when bullied. While building such trust, you’ll need to plan a strategy in regard to interacting with strangers, let’s say in the setting of a party: you do X, wait for a response, then do Y or Z, depending on the response you get, etc.

    I would like to figure out how to socialize like a normal person…I feel like my coworkers/managers all dislike me…  It’s made it hard to hold a job because I tend to overthink the smallest details and end up quitting for what the normal person might consider stupid reasons“- you referred to yourself, or suggested that you are not normal twice in your short original post, and once, you mentioned the word stupid in regard to your behavior. That’s a bit of self-bullying, isn’t it?

    anita

     

    #410729
    Amy
    Participant

    Hello Teddy,

    Before I begin, may I extend to you my deepest apologies for what you have gone through..

    I personally can relate to what you are feeling.   I have learning disabilities and a mild issue with my fine motor skills and have dealt with discrimination and rejection for most of my life.  I was bullied in school especially junior high.

    To make a very long story short, to say that my self esteem was shot would be an understatement.   It took me quite a long time to recover but I got there.

    I totally agree with Anita’s advice but may I add some of my own:

    When you encounter someone who you would like to meet, smile.   I’m talking about a genuine one.    Not a half hearted one.  Not a sad one but a happy one.   Make both corners of your mouth turned up.    Look the individual in the eyes and say “Hello”.

    How they choose to respond is not anything for you to worry about.   It will be totally on them.

    Finally I would like to share this piece of advice that my father once gave me:

    Remember you are second class.  The ones who treat you like you are..

    They are the ones who are second class.

    #410749
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Teddy

    I am sorry that the bullying that you experienced when you were younger probably led to your depression/anxiety.

    Have you thought about volunteering in an area that your are interested in, that way you would be surrounding yourself with people you already have something in common with and that will feel a lot less pressurized than parties.

    #411145
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Teddy?

    *I was moved by your wise and heart-felt, personal input, Amy!

    anita

    #411147
    Amy
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words, Anita ☺️.  I just hope that we have been helping Teddy in his time of need.

    #411149
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Amy and I hope so too. I also hope that you reply to more members (if you would like to do so) and spread your kindness and wisdom (as well as your father’s wisdom!) further and farther.

    anita

    #411151
    Amy
    Participant

    That’s what I’m aiming to do ☺️.   If you are interested, please check out my blog on Tumblr: https://artemple.tumblr.com.   I’m an inspirational and motivation writer/blogger.  It’s where I share my work and fellow Tumblr members’ work.

    #411154
    anita
    Participant

    What a delightful blog, Amy, thank you for sharing it! Beautiful images, words and quotes and so much more, even a joke that is making me smile right now! I hope that Teddy- and other members- will look into your blog as well!

    anita

    #411155
    Amy
    Participant

    Thank you ☺️.  The images come from Tumblr themselves.  They have an excellent collection ☺️👍.

    I do plan on sharing my blog here on Tiny Buddha.   I’m hoping to reach as many people as I can ☺️.

     

    #411159
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amy: I hope that you share your unique, individual and developing brand of wisdom and kindness with as many people as you can!

    anita

    #411284
    Amy
    Participant

    Thank you very much, Anita 😊.  I appreciate all of your support.

    #411286
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Amy!

    anita

    #411448
    LemonTree
    Participant

    Hello Teddy

    How are doing? I hope you’re feeling better now.

    I am not sure if it helps. But I’ve a got a few tips for you that might probably work for you:

    1) So instead of thinking about how you have been “struggling with depression and anxiety” and expecting that it would go on like that “forever” (i.e. there is an expectation that it will continue to happen), how about we change our thought patterns? It means that we are not resisting the fact that it has happened. And we’re not trying to deal with the fact that whether it has happened or not. We also do not need to decide whether we’re actually feeling depressed or anxious at the moment. Just let it be.

    2) I tend to worry about what happens tomorrow as well. Like “if there is a party tomorrow, then it is going to be a bad experience for me”, blah blah blah.

    The thing is, if you don’t want to go to the party, then don’t go! If you have to go there, and you want to play with a dog/cat, oh, who cares? The people around you actually “care” less about you than you think. Just do what you want, and feel good about yourself.

    3) This is about parties (and social situations in general): I think I’m pretty s*** as well. I do not have confidence in myself (despite what others tell me, which is, I appear to be confident, except for situations when I have to speak in front of an audience, etc. and I actually “look” a little bit nervous). So I tend to think that I am not good at social situations. I do not like it when I go to gatherings with people who I don’t like.

    Well there are a few issues here: a) Is it only because you do not like parties in general, or is because of the people that are going there with you? b) It kind of “makes sense” that you are not a sociable person. But sometimes it is not what you think. In my case, I can be quite a “bubbly” person, at least this is what they think. c) If, after all, you still do not like going there, that’s fine. It is not stupid. We all have different preferences. Do whatever that suits you. That is not something “bad” for you. It is just what it is.

    4) (The last one for now) I have started to get over this thing where I am “dealing with” something. Sometimes I still do the same thing (and repeat the same mistake). I try to think about the same thing over and over again. I am afraid that the same thing is going to happen tomorrow. Oh no, it is bad. The more I think about it, it only gets worse. It sometimes helps to talk about it though. It is through talking about it that I actually feel better about myself. I feel that I have released my burden. That being said, (I sometimes answer my own questions as well, I know), I know that I shouldn’t be “dealing with” things by myself.

    a) First of all, there will be people around you who are actually the ones who should be dealing with the issues concerned. For example, it is their own problems, it has nothing to do with you. So that frees you up with more space to focus on the matters at hand.

    b) The more you try to deal with things, the harder it gets. I am still learning how to get better at this. But my rule is that if I have tried at least 2-3 times, and I’ve talked about it to someone for a few times, still there is no real solution to the problem. Then it is about time that I leave it! Either it is not a problem in itself, or it is a problem, however, no one cares enough about it or there might (or might not be) a solution that doesn’t seem to matter in this case and only time will tell. So forget about it.

    c) The more you resist it, the more you will find that the problem is actually quite “sticky” and it doesn’t go away. So instead of dealing with s***, just let it be. If it is not meant for you, well, bad luck. If it is something that is meant for you, I would say, usually, you would still need to make an effort to try to solve the problems. But not so hard that it would actually bother you so much that you’re going back into the cycle of depression/anxiety, which means something is wrong. Either the situation is bad for you, so you should get yourself out of the situation, or the way that you have been treating yourself has been unkind, so you will need to change your attitude.

    Not sure if it has helped you at all.. But these are some of the kind reminders for myself as well. Hope it helps..

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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