Dear Vicky:

“I fear to lose people I love”, and you lose yourself. You hide yourself so to not lose others. There aren’t many motivations in life more common than hiding oneself so to not lose others, hiding anything at all that others may not approve of… and as we do so, we lose ourselves.

What freedom it is to state to the world: this is who I am! This is what I think, what I value, what I believe… this is how I feel, what I prefer, what I like what I dislike… to just be, to be allowed to be and to have the courage to be that which we are!

“I do not know what I really am”- a human being, I think, a human being that wants to.. just be. Am I understanding correctly”

anita

Dear Vicky:

There are different methods to reduce/ manage anxiety such as physical exercise/ yoga, tai chi… walks in  nature, walks anywhere, there are guided meditations, theme: mindfulness. There are blogs on the home page on Mindfulness that may be useful to you. There are books on mindfulness.

Examining the origin of your anxiety in quality psychotherapy is often necessary.

Do you want to share here about the origin of your anxiety, the experiences in childhood that gave birth to your anxiety?

anita

Dear Vicky:

I will need to be away from the computer for a while, and will be back no later than about 17 hours from now. Maybe you can elaborate further, before I return, about who these people were, the people you lost,and how did they use you and throw you away?

I will read and reply to you when I am back.

anita

Dear Vicky:

You are welcome. I have so little information about you, here is the information I have: you are 26, a gay man who frequents male escorts but never had a romantic relationship with either man or woman. But you now want to have a romantic, love relationship. No one other than the escorts  know that you are gay because you didn’t tell them and because you act as if you are straight (how do you act, what does it mean to act straight?)

You recently met a man through a friendship app. and you like him very much. He is straight and does not know that you are gay. You think about him a lot and want to spend more time with him but you are scared to lose him to other friends or to a woman.

You’ve been afraid for a long time to lose people you love to a partner or new friends. You worry a lot if your friend does not call or message you in a day, feeling anxious. “I do so much for people but in the end people just use me and throw me away… No matter what I do for people, they always leave as if nothing happened”.

You asked: “how do I remove the anxiety of losing friends to other people?”

My answer:

1. Stop doing what does not work: you did so much for people and they left you each and every time, so stop doing so much for people- it doesn’t get you what you want. Instead, do a little and wait for them to do a little, then proceed to do a bit more and wait, and so forth. Give and Receive.

2. Because you desire a romantic/ love relationship, come out as a gay man, let it be known to your family and to this male friend you met recently, and pursue a love relationship with a gay man who will be compatible with you.

3. Stop frequenting escorts so to prepare yourself for the one relationship you so desire.

What do you think about these three things I suggested?

anita

Dear Vicky:

Consider the possibility of moving to another city or country where it is accepted to be a gay man in public.

Regarding not worrying about losing a friend to another woman or other friends- give just a little and wait to see that they give you something too. This way you will find out if the other person is motivated to be a long term friend with you. If he invests in you, that means he is motivated to keep and develop the friendship.

When a person invests in something or someone, that person tends to keep investing, so to not lose prior investment.

anita