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I do not know what I really am

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #299463

    Vicky
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading tiny buddha for a very long time and finally I am going to write the truth of my life here. I am a 26 years old gay male who pretends to be straight. There is no one in the world except me who knows about this truth about me. I believe to be blessed with such good hiding skills that I am able to hide it from anyone regardless of how smart they are. I act as if I am straight.

    I have never had a relationship with anyone, neither men nor women. I lost my virginity with an escort ( I paid him to have sex with me). I liked that and now I go often to escorts. Even when I am writing this, I am feeling weird about myself. Now, I am at such a stage in life that I want love and I want someone who loves me too.

    Now, coming to the point of why I decided to write this. I met a guy a few weeks back through a friendship app. I genuinely was looking for friendship and I asked this guy to show him my city. We met and I loved spending time with this guy. I loved his sense of humor and everything about him. We meet on weekends as we do not live in the same city and his place is an hour drive from mine. He does not know that I am gay and spends good time with me too. I am now getting dependent on him and think about him most of the time. I want to spend more time with him but I am scared that he will make new friends and meet a girl (since he is straight) and will forget me. I have lived in this fear all of my life. I fear to loose people I love, I make friends and then feat that I will loose them because they may find a partner or new friends. I expect him to reach out to me by himself and plan something with me. I expect him to say atleast something good to me so that I feel good.

    I really have a fuc*ed up life I think and do not know what I will do. Any help is appreciated.

    P.S – There is a lot to this story and would probably share more when people start replying and ask more about this.

    Thanks in advance

    #299511

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vicky:

    “I fear to lose people I love”, and you lose yourself. You hide yourself so to not lose others. There aren’t many motivations in life more common than hiding oneself so to not lose others, hiding anything at all that others may not approve of… and as we do so, we lose ourselves.

    What freedom it is to state to the world: this is who I am! This is what I think, what I value, what I believe… this is how I feel, what I prefer, what I like what I dislike… to just be, to be allowed to be and to have the courage to be that which we are!

    “I do not know what I really am”- a human being, I think, a human being that wants to.. just be. Am I understanding correctly”

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by  anita.
    #299825

    Vicky
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree with what you are saying. But what state I am is very difficult to think in straight way. I should be happy to meet new people and make new friends. Rather than that, the moment I make a new friend I get insecure that I will loose them. A constant thought is running in my mind thinking that they should message me or call me at least once a day. I am getting the same thoughts right now for my friend all the time. I think always that he should atleast send me a text or call me by himself and if I do not talk to him for a day then I start feeling very weird.

    How do I control this thing?

    #299855

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vicky:

    There are different methods to reduce/ manage anxiety such as physical exercise/ yoga, tai chi… walks in  nature, walks anywhere, there are guided meditations, theme: mindfulness. There are blogs on the home page on Mindfulness that may be useful to you. There are books on mindfulness.

    Examining the origin of your anxiety in quality psychotherapy is often necessary.

    Do you want to share here about the origin of your anxiety, the experiences in childhood that gave birth to your anxiety?

    anita

    #299857

    Vicky
    Participant

    Yes, I have lost everyone who I ever considered a good friend. The people with whom I enjoy the most and the people whom I look to the most, I have lost them all. I do so much for people but in the end people just use me and throw me away. No one understands how and what things hurt me and how badly I am affected. No matter what I do for people, they always leave as if nothing hapenned. This has been the reason of my anxiety.

    #299861

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vicky:

    I will need to be away from the computer for a while, and will be back no later than about 17 hours from now. Maybe you can elaborate further, before I return, about who these people were, the people you lost,and how did they use you and throw you away?

    I will read and reply to you when I am back.

    anita

    #299889

    Vicky
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    before i start telling you anything I want to say how thankful I am for all your help. I have always been very much attached to my friends since the beginning. The reason was because I never got the comfort from anyone else. Though my family loved me a lot but due to a lot of family things and stuff, I always used to feel insecure.

    i started resorting towards friends to get the same comfort from them. Whenever I became friends with anyone, I did a lot for them. People forget me as soon as they find love or new friends. I have seen that a lot.

     

    how do i remove the anxiety of losing friends to other people?

    #299957

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vicky:

    You are welcome. I have so little information about you, here is the information I have: you are 26, a gay man who frequents male escorts but never had a romantic relationship with either man or woman. But you now want to have a romantic, love relationship. No one other than the escorts  know that you are gay because you didn’t tell them and because you act as if you are straight (how do you act, what does it mean to act straight?)

    You recently met a man through a friendship app. and you like him very much. He is straight and does not know that you are gay. You think about him a lot and want to spend more time with him but you are scared to lose him to other friends or to a woman.

    You’ve been afraid for a long time to lose people you love to a partner or new friends. You worry a lot if your friend does not call or message you in a day, feeling anxious. “I do so much for people but in the end people just use me and throw me away… No matter what I do for people, they always leave as if nothing happened”.

    You asked: “how do I remove the anxiety of losing friends to other people?”

    My answer:

    1. Stop doing what does not work: you did so much for people and they left you each and every time, so stop doing so much for people- it doesn’t get you what you want. Instead, do a little and wait for them to do a little, then proceed to do a bit more and wait, and so forth. Give and Receive.

    2. Because you desire a romantic/ love relationship, come out as a gay man, let it be known to your family and to this male friend you met recently, and pursue a love relationship with a gay man who will be compatible with you.

    3. Stop frequenting escorts so to prepare yourself for the one relationship you so desire.

    What do you think about these three things I suggested?

    anita

     

     

    #299971

    Vicky
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree with what you said. You got everything right about me. I fear to loose people to other women or friends. I act straight showing people that I love women and want a relationship with a women.

    I cannot come like a gay men in front of my family. They will stop loving me and disown me. It is considered a taboo from where I come from.

    I meditated after you suggested me to and it felt very good. I love your advice and thinking of acting on it. How would you say I reduce the fear of losing people to other women or friends or how do i not worry that they spend time or talk to me daily.

    Thanks

    #299979

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vicky:

    Consider the possibility of moving to another city or country where it is accepted to be a gay man in public.

    Regarding not worrying about losing a friend to another woman or other friends- give just a little and wait to see that they give you something too. This way you will find out if the other person is motivated to be a long term friend with you. If he invests in you, that means he is motivated to keep and develop the friendship.

    When a person invests in something or someone, that person tends to keep investing, so to not lose prior investment.

    anita

    #300099

    Raju
    Participant

    Dear Vicky

    Frankly speaking I have joined ‘tiny buddha’ only yesterday because I find a good connection between me and this site.  According to my personal experience of life you need to view things practically from a broader perspective.  We all on this earth are like travellers.  In the journey of life, we will be meeting many persons with whom we will be sharing very closed relations, but at the peak of the journey they would suddenly get departed and at times without giving any justified reasons of their departure, leaving us fuming, fretting and shattered.

    Here, we find difficult to manage our life.  From my personal experience I tell you that I came in contact with number of persons with whom I shared a good bond, but suddenly they disappeared from life, like water bubble.  Recently, I lost a person who was like a life line to me, but I have been able to overcome because of my positive and practical approach towards life.

    In life, we have to keep on moving whatever the situations and circumstances may be!  If you could follow a simple rule in your life ‘attachment with detachment’, then there would not be any heart burning to the level you have been going through.  According to this rule, we will be socialising with the persons benefiting mutually, but keeping at back of the mind that the relationship or connection is a temporary one!  We must accept the fact that the relationships may not be permanent.  The permanent relationship we can have is with ‘self’ only.  If you learn the art of being happy in your own company, then you will experience a real bliss of life.

    Last, but not the least, there must be some buried potential and passion inside you, like sports, music, painting etc just give a try to it.  Devoting time on your passion and doing something that make you happy can change everything, but more importantly do some regular exercises (like morning walk, joining gym etc), healthy diet and of course company of good & cheering people.   While doing so, never know you may meet someone special in your journey of life!

    All the best…

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