February 1, 2020 at 5:44 pm #336216BeeParticipant
This is my first post. I read a similar thread on here from 2017 and was grateful to find it. On some level I know it’s my emotions causing this internal upheaval. So…here’s a short back story. I moved in with my boyfriend almost 10 years ago. I didn’t really feel at home then, but for some reason I powered through. I left my house and most of my possessions. Because he was happy with the furnishings he already had. Probably because he lives in his grandmothers house and not much has changed since she decorated it. I dealt with it even though it bothered me (keeping everything the same). To his credit he did pack away SOME of the larger, more outdated, decorations. Even though I’ve dropped hints for years, he still sees nothing wrong with living like this. And sadly doesn’t seem to care that it bothers me. I’ve told him numerous times that I just want to feel at home.
Fast forward to now. The last two years there has been a lot of sickness and loss in my family. I’m nearly forty. Those two things have made me question why I’m with someone and living somewhere that doesn’t feel like home. But I justify this by reminding myself I don’t feel comfortable or at home anywhere. Not even my parents house. Or my grandparent. Unfortunately I can’t afford to move away on my own. It’s gotten so bad I that I cry in the evenings and can’t sleep in bed most nights. Am I just being a spoiled brat? Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Or have advice for how I can get my emotions under control? I have ZERO friends and no family I can talk to about this. So I would be very grateful for any help. Full disclosure: I do have depression, am under a doctors care and take medication.
Thanks for readingFebruary 2, 2020 at 9:29 am #336298anitaParticipant
You don’t feel comfortable or at home in your boyfriend’s grandmother’s house because you “don’t feel comfortable or at home anywhere.”
If your boyfriend changed all the furnishing in the house to your liking, you will probably feel a whole lot better, because he cared enough to do that, and because you will enjoy the new furnishing, until the newness of it all wears off.
Feeling at home somewhere means feeling that warm, safe, no-worries, all is good kind of feelings that some fortunate children get to feel as their parents make them feel valued and wanted, when their parents are calm and content and happy the child is in their lives.
Thing is you didn’t feel that in your parents’ house, or your grandparents’. I didn’t experience that as a child either. I had moments here and there of home-like feeling and it was intoxicating, but as I grew older, even those moments were not there anymore. It is only very recently that I am getting a bit of that home feeling.
What I learned in the last few years is that when we had a troubled/unsafe childhood experience, we keep re-living that same-old-same-old childhood experience throughout our adulthood, regardless of new and changing circumstances.
You mentioned that you are depressed. I was a very anxious child, living in a very unsafe non-home. Anxiety turns into depression because the brain/ body gets exhausted by ongoing fear aka anxiety. Exhaustion from anxiety => depression.
I wonder if you attended psychotherapy. If you did, it was inadequate. Looking back this morning at my psychotherapy experience of 2011-13, I have no memory of the furnishing of my then therapist’s office. But I do have a clear memory of his calm, handsome face, his eyes looking at me with interest, asking me questions, gently, wanting to know more about me. Oh how desperate I was to be seen, noticed, understood, gently.
anitaFebruary 2, 2020 at 10:23 am #336310BeeParticipant
Thank you for your response. You’re right about my boyfriends house. I had four different therapists in my late teens to early twenties. And only connected with one of them. I want to go see her again, but I live so far away I find it frustrating. I am desperate for somewhere that feels safe. Somewhere that feels like home. I know this is something that’s in my head, but knowing that doesn’t take the desperate feeling away. The stress being caused by my moms sickness is only making me feel more desperate for a safe place and home to retreat to. I’ve always wanted to move from this small town, but have never had the opportunity. I don’t know if that has something to do with it. I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Hopefully i’ll find my way.
Many Thanks, BeeFebruary 2, 2020 at 10:29 am #336312InkyParticipant
I would make it a goal to move out. You can do it. It’s called rentals and roommates.
While you are living in his grandmother’s home, it’s imperative that you have one room that is completely yours. If there is paint or wallpaper, repaint it. Get Ikea furniture. Get a new mattress. Paint your own pictures. Replace the old pictures. Put your own photos out. Do this when he’s gone for a block of time. When he gets home it’s a done deal. “Oops!”
Then you can work on the bathrooms. New bathmats, new shower curtains. Etc.!
Every Christmas or Birthday gift him something new for the house. Slowly get rid of the old furniture. Keep the old ones in the basement or attic. (And get rid of one piece he’ll never miss once a year.) Do this twice a year.
In short, you need your own energy imprints (YOUR art, furniture) to make a house a home.
InkyFebruary 2, 2020 at 11:08 am #336318anitaParticipant
You are very welcome. I need to be away from the computer for a few hours. If you want to share here about your experience as a child, your mother’s sickness and how it affects you now, your relationship with your boyfriend, and/ or anything that you think may be relevant to your struggle, please do and I will read and reply to you further when I am back.