My apologies, this will be a bit of a long post. I am not quite certain what I am hoping to gain from this forum….I already know what I am supposed to do. But I find myself constantly surprising myself and going back to a dead end situation that clearly is not working.

I am currently 33 years old, which makes the decisions that i have made with this guy even more stupid.

I have never seen myself as someone who will be good in a relationship because i need a lot of space to recharge, added to that i have family obligations that i feel takes my attention away from fully committing to a relationship in the traditional sense. I was also almost raped twice as a child. I was very very lucky but i became so aware of how lucky i was that i started to close myself off; too afraid to venture out or become vulnerable and so i never tried to explore.

About three years ago I met a guy online, that I was instantly attracted to. He happens to be a paraplegic (which was not apparent in his dating profile but it doesn’t bother me).  We went on a few dates but I got so nervous and became awkward and silent. I still got the courage to tell him I really enjoyed myself and would like to meet him again. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that I seemed too innocent for him. I told him that I am not great with relationships anyways and wouldn’t mind a friends with benefits kind of arrangement.
I am not one to want to sleep around. He is the only guy I have slept with till date (i don’t’ think he realizes this). We have had an arrangement for the past two years now. It took me awhile to get past my own inhibitions and not be completely nervous and ditzy around him.  As our relationship is purely physical we barely have any deep conversations. But I have never really pushed for anything more because in a way the status quo is comfortable for me. I think because I know my own limitations that I automatically shy away from a relationship.

He has his own limitations.  It doesn’t seem like he is fully comfortable with his disability yet as he makes quite a few references to it. I guess we are all messed up in some way and just want some sorta weird connection. I still get oddly quiet around him, but he is not exactly a great communicator either. The main issue I have with this arrangement is that it has to all be on his terms if I  question stuff he doesn’t want to answer or he will tell me I am making a mountain out of a molehill or being too dramatic. He wants it all his way or the highway.  Over the last few meetings, our interactions have become more irritable. He claims that I am too awkward (which i can be around him, especially in person…but not to a degree where its unattractive). But when i try to end it or tell him that we shouldn’t continue seeing each other, he will agree but after 30 minutes start telling me I am overthinking stuff and to just go with the flow and enjoy what we have. The last time he sent me pics that he had taken of us together (i regret now allowing him to take them) and tell me this is what I will be missing. He has also tried to hook me up with an “Indian” friend that he has multiple times as he can cater to my needs better and has alluded to sharing these pics with them but retracting it when I questioned it but saying he was only joking and that he has never shared them with anyone and never will. I know at this point its emotional manipulation. Last time we met, he said he asked if I would be okay not having sex and just fooling around I said okay. We ended up just cuddling and napping for 90% of our meet, but when he did touch me it was almost like he felt like he had to because that’s the nature of our relationship. He almost looked bored.

I know that a lot of how he acts towards me is perhaps a reflection of his own insecurities. I read somewhere that some people enter into a relationship because of the mutual emotional issues both need to heal. Perhaps I needed to go through some of this to get past my own inhibitions. But I think its time to get out but not sure how to. I feel so stupid for making the decisions that i made.

I also started overthinking things because i think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. This may veer into a more spiritual/supernatural. Please bear with me…

A few days before my dad passed away i saw this distinct face on the wall beside him. I am (was) sure it was shadows playing tricks. The image, however, would not easily dissipate though i tried to blink it away. Later when i researched i read that people see images (particularly this face in some cultures) during times of actual death. I forgot about it…a few years later I saw the same face on the floor of a temple. Both times i din’t feel fear; when i saw it with my dad i almost thought okay he will be safe wherever he is going, the second time was almost an “oh its you again” moment. The last time I met this guy, he was saying how he was getting a tattoo of an Oni. I didn’t know what it was so i looked it up and well its a Japanese demon of foreign origin believed to come from either Hinduism or Buddhism and the image that came up is the same face that i keep seeing.

I am normally not one to get freaked out about things like this but its weirding me out that this face keeps popping up in my life. I am sure it means nothing but i was still freaked out the last few days.

I know this is a lot to read, I really appreciate whoever reads it and provides me with input/advise. I know what I must do, but I just don’t know how to go about doing it especially when I keep caving and meeting him. I always thought i was strong in my personality to not get snared by guys who are assholes, but i guess not.

Thank you.