My ex messaged me to apologize after 1.5 years. I went through a difficult time in my life and he gradually started pulling away from me and turned his back on me.
He said he doesn’t think there is anything he can say to undo the damage he caused our relationship. He said that he was a coward and disappointed in himself that he violated my friendship, love and trust. He said he can’t stop thinking of how unfair he was to me and that I was nothing but good to him. He said he wasn’t apologizing to patch things up or come around me and has moved to another city. He just wanted to acknowledge his poor behavior.
After reading his message, I wasn’t sure if or how to respond. It was heavy on my mind for days.
He’s an artist and incorporates red birds into some of his paintings.
Red birds have always had a special meaning to me. I always would see them whenever I was having difficulties and associate them with my late grandmother. I hadn’t seen any all winter then I go by the window and see one in my backyard. I continued to see the bird and his mate for a few days.
My ex’s has a favorite artist who I had never heard of prior. I go to the gym to run and try to clear my mind. I workout with headphones and don’t watch TV. I glance at one of the TV’s and they are showing Jeopardy with subtitles and the question was which famous abstract artist’s work is this? They show the image and I think that looks like that artists work and then the answer was “who is the artist – that the ex likes”.
I watch a movie on Netflix. I get ready to turn it off and glance at the credits rolling and someone who worked on the film has the exact same name 1st and last flash on the screen.
We spoke on the phone and I asked him why. Why didn’t you just talk to me? Why’d you let all this time pass? He said he felt fearful about taking all the steps he needed to in order to get his life on track. He said he felt weak. He had been experiencing financial problems after losing a job he held for many years. He did find a job and was working on a personal business, trying to get back on his feet, when our relationship ended. He has children (one of them is adopted and has severe emotional problems) and rightfully so, put their needs first. I wouldn’t respect him otherwise. He said he couldn’t handle it all. I think he lost his confidence. There were a lot of silent pauses on the phone and we both cried. Even though he hurt me really bad, it hurts me to know he is in pain. When I reread his message I got a pain in my stomach.
I ask where is he living and he tells me the state. I told him that’s where my little brother (who has the same 1st name as him) went to school and I had been there to see him graduate a few yrs ago. He then tells me he is currently working at the same University!
When we first met he wasn’t struggling and I did notice a change in his demeanor when he started having financial problems. He seemed a little sad sometimes but he always said I believe I am going to get through this. I told him and honestly felt, he would get it together because he was smart and driven and I believed in him.
I always tried to encourage and support him. He was supportive and encouraging of me as well.
Thing is He was (is?) the love of my life. I’ve been in love before but not like this. This is the 1st relationship where I thought that if soul mates are real, I’ve met mine and I thought he’d be my husband someday.
We were always happy to be around each other. We would know and finish each other’s thoughts when we would talk. Everything about him just felt like home. I could just be me around him. I loved the way he looked at me. He said to me “we are just drawn to each other.”
From the night we met, we were inseparable. We have a friend in common who dj’s and we both went to the place he played. We started chatting and that was it. Later that night we went as a group with several of our friends to another venue to a later party and danced then we all went to eat.
Then the following day, our mutual friend had an impromptu bbq at his place. We tried to be nonchalant but we kept seeking each other out and some of our friends made fun.
We had our first date the next week and went on a second date the following evening.
Bottom line is I know this man is still in love with me. It’s eating me up inside wondering if extenuating circumstances weren’t a factor would we together today. If there was some way we were able to be together again, would it be spoiled because I may remind him of a time in his life when he didn’t feel like the man he should be. What was the meaning for all of this? All the coincidences (I only listed some) Why did we have to endure all this pain and not be happily together in the end? Do I speak with him again? Or do I put all this behind me and try to forget?