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I don’t know what to do with my relationship

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  • #352904
    Shini
    Participant

    I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He’s very practical and I’m very emotional. Most of our arguments occurs because of that.

    My concern is he’s not understanding my needs even though I tell him clearly what I need from him when I’m sad. Emotional support is important to me and I do expect that from my boyfriend. I also get anxious over our arguments so I tend to act crazily. Like I’ll ask keep calling him and ask him to console me to ensure that he still love me.

    My boyfriend on the other hand tells me that he can only console if he think I was right. He said I shouldn’t expect him to console me when I’m wrong. He doesn’t care about being kind. He wants to be right.

    I’ve told him that when I’m feeling low I do expect some kind words or assurance from him. But he says he can only do what he can. Whenever I ask him why didn’t you bother about me. He’ll say he’s just being himself. He can’t help it.

    I told him what is so wrong to do so something for your loved ones even if its out of your comfort zone?

    I feel like he doesn’t care when I’m suffering. Sometimes when I cry on the phone while talking to him, he doesn’t care. He’ll just go to sleep. And the next day, he’ll talk to me like nothing happened.

    I feel like he neglects me whenever I need him the most.

    However I also feel like I’m the toxic one. I feel like I’m asking too much. I feel like I should leave him so he can be peaceful. I’ve tried doing things like he suggest me. But it’s just too difficult for me. So right now I don’t know if I should leave him for both our well being or stay in this relationship.

    Can you please advice me?

     

     

     

     

    #353104
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shini:

    “My boyfriend .. tells me that he can only console me if he think I was right. He said I shouldn’t expect him to console me when I’m wrong”-

    – I want to understand better, therefore I ask: can you give me an example when he thought you were right and consoled you (what was it that he thought was right)?

    Can you give me an example of when he thought that you were wrong and therefore did not console you (what was it that he thought was wrong)?

    anita

    #354258
    Shini
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for replying.

    He apologises and consoles me after scolding me out of anger.

    But if he think I’m wrong, he don’t do it. Like for example, we’re arguing about something. And I say something and it turns out to be wrong. He calls me stupid and asks me to shut up and listen to him because he knows better. And I do listen to him.

    But me being sensitive, I easily get offended by his words. He will not console me in this case because I was wrong and he was right. Even if I tell him these words kinda affects me, he doesn’t really care. He says, that’s not his problem. He says it because I behaved like that. So he use those words.

    Also whenever I confront him about the way he treats me, he will say I do it because you did this. Like he blames me for everything.

    #354280
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shini:

    You are welcome.

    “for example, we’re arguing about something. And I say something and it turns out to be wrong. He calls me stupid and asks me to shut up and listen to him because he knows better. And I do listen to him”-

    – when he calls you stupid and tells you to shut up, he is the one doing something that is wrong. When he calls you stupid, you shouldn’t listen to him. You shouldn’t listen to anyone who calls you names.

    You wrote about him in your original post: “He doesn’t care about being kind. He wants to be right“-

    – he is wrong when he is unkind.

    “Emotional support is important to me and I do expect that from my boyfriend… I’ll.. keep calling him to ask him to console me to ensure that he still loves me”- what is the point of having emotional support and consolation from the same person who calls you stupid and tells you to shut up?

    “I feel like I’m asking too much. I feel like I should leave him so he can be peaceful”- I do think that you should leave him so that you can be peaceful.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
    #354752
    Shini
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re so right. Why am I expecting emotional support and consolation from the same person who hurt me. I never thought about that. Thank you!

    There’s one more thing that’s bothering me. Do you think we should not expect anything from our partner? If yes, why and if no, how to know the limit?

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by Shini.
    #354770
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shini:

    You are welcome.

    “Do you think we should not expect anything from our partners? If yes, why and if no, how to know the limit?”-

    We should expect a couple of things from our partners and be able and willing to give him the same:

    – Respect at all times: never yelling at the other, calling names, and otherwise mistreating the other in any way, for any reason. In other words: do-no-harm to each other.

    – Emotional support some of the time: no one can be emotionally available to another at all times, and therefore it is unrealistic to expect it at all times. Share with your partner (not your current boyfriend who is not much of a partner!) and seek his emotional support in moderation: don’t talk to him about your distress at any time of the day and night, wait for a better time when he is not working or otherwise occupied. Don’t go on and on and on, instead: put a time limit on how much you talk to him. After a few sentences, wait so that he has time to absorb what you said and ask him for his input. Make him part of a conversation instead of an audience to a monologue.

    When you are not sure about the limit (“how to know the limit?”), ask him if it’s too much for him, and if he prefers to talk later when he is more available and rested.

    Does this answer your question?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
    #356540
    Shini
    Participant

    OMG you are the best!

    Thank you so much, Anita. I appreciate your words. And yes, you’ve answered me beautifully. I understand now.

    Thank you 😀

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Shini.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Shini.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Shini.
    #356556
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Shini. Thank you for your kind words. I will answer your new thread next.

    anita

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