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I don't love him but I want to get him back!!

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • June 3, 2017 at 12:10 am #151714
    Hang Do
    Participant

    Hello,
    I’m Hang and I really need your help.
    I met this guy 8 months ago and during that time we were dating. I had bored him a lot, we broke up and got back together twice. Every time he got back to me, i thought he seriously wanted to start again with me but until now he told me he thought I knew that we couldn’t be anything serious.
    Back to our twice breakup, after every breakup, he had a new gf so quickly. The first time we got back together was after his breakup with the first girl. Then now he did it again, he is now in a relationship with another girl very quickly. They were talking during the time we were together and they went on the first date right after our breakup. This hurts me a lot. 1 month later after our breakup he messaged me to ask if I was stalking him because there was someone doing that. He after that was sorry to me and he felt bad to ask me that question and said he still does respect me. Then we started to talk about us, about our mistakes and what happened leading to our breakup.then I felt really comfortable. 2 days later ( 2 days ago) he messaged me, we talked for no topic, very comfortable talk and he wanted to invite me to dinner but he asked me if it was a good idea to me because he was afraid that we would have fun and romance then we would feel suck the day and week after. i asked him if he wanted to have fun with me like before ( sex, talk, cuddling..) he said that was what usually happens between us. I was upset and refused his invitation. And I also said he is having a gf now and he said: that’s fine, she can go out with friends are guys, I can go out with friends are girls. What does this mean? Does he love her or not?
    I thought he was missing me but the idea that he just wanted to meet me for fun hurts me. Today I facebooked him and hers and saw they set up their relationship with the other.

    What should I do now? We are still messaging, should I move to the next step? What should I say to him? We haven’t meet sicne our breakup.
    Please help me!
    Thank you so much. I’m waiting for your reply!

    June 3, 2017 at 7:51 am #151740
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hang:

    You got upset when he told you he wants to meet you for fun, while he has another girlfriend, because this is not what you want. You want him to be serious about you (to “seriously…start again with me but until now he told me he thought I knew that we couldn’t be anything serious.”)

    You asked: “What does this (his offer to see you for fun while he has a girlfriend)  mean? Does he love her or not?”-

    It means that he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t respect her. If a person does not respect another, that person is not loving of that person. And so… he loves you not and he loves her not.

    If you agree, what do you think you should do/ say to him?

    anita

     

    June 3, 2017 at 8:04 am #151744
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Hang,

    He wants to make sure you are still in the wings. He doesn’t want to see you exclusively, and yet he wants to make sure you are always around.

    Let him call/text/FB/email you. But don’t respond. On his third try of communication, respond back: “Stop stalking me” (see what I did there?) and then block him.

    Make sure you are with a group of people and are never alone with him in person. And stop checking his social media, which is probably updated for you (not her).

    Bonus if you get into a new relationship and have the other person answer your phone when he calls.

    Time to cast him loose.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    June 5, 2017 at 6:29 am #151956
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Hang:

    It looks like you got some great answers, but just wanted to add my 2 cents. If you don’t love him, is there any particular reason you want him back? Write down on a piece of paper the pros and cons of what he have you in the relationship and why you are now better off without him. Let’s say, you did get back together with him..it’s very hard to rekindle the flames you had before..then you will wander, why you took him back and be more miserable..and it will take you that much longer to get over him.

    We always want what we can’t have. Do you just want him back, because you are lonely when you see him happy with this new girl? Try to have a clean break with him..and please don’t go on his Facebook profile, Twitter, etc, it will only make you more upset..don’t answer his calls..don’t go where he hangs out..change your number if you have to. Get rid of all reminders of him..you don’t have to throw it away, just put it in a box under the bed where you can’t see them.

    Try to keep busy, so you are not thinking about him so much. Be happy with yourself and your life, and then the right man will see you as a happy strong independent woman and gravitate toward you. Men don’t like women checking up in them..drama, intensity, jealousy..so work out any issues of you have these so you can have a happy and healthy relationship with a man who is emotionally available and wants to commit to you.

    June 6, 2017 at 8:20 am #152102
    Hang Do
    Participant

    Hello Anita, Inky and Eliana,

    I would like to thank you all for your advice. I have wondered if I love him and my answer is Yes. I know through my post, it was not enough to describe about this guy. I have confided in him and I had my answers for most of my questions. I understood why he behaved like this or that. He had been cheated 9 times in the past and grew up with a harsh father. The more I know him, the more I love him. When I asked him if he loves her, he was confused for some seconds then said Yes. But I after that still showed him my sentiment because I simply don’t like to hide my emotion. I told him I love him not because I wanted him to make a choice or expect him to chose me but just wanted him to know that. Even right now, I no longer feel jealous. If he doesn’t chose me, I would get disappointed but after all his happiness is the what important to me even if it is not me.

    I am now not doing anything ( not stalking his FB, messaging him or anything ) but let things happen naturally. What will we, will be.

    I really appreciate your help. Have a nice day, wonderful girls!

    Hang

    June 6, 2017 at 8:54 am #152110
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hang:

    It feels good to be secure in your own love for him: feels warm and comfortable, doesn’t it?

    Thing is, if you want a loving relationship, it would take you and a man loving each other. Loving a man from afar, no matter what, is comforting at times, but there is no progress in it. There is nothing that is going on, life advancing or developing. All you have is a feeling and day-dreaming.

    anita

    June 6, 2017 at 12:37 pm #152170
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Hang:

    Thank you for writing and letting us know what has been going on. It sounds like you are handling this in a very mature manner, and I’m proud of you. Now, if only I can do the same in my relationships, they would not be so short lived, chaotic, intense and turbulent. Hopefully, things will get better after my intensive DBT therapy and 12 step programs. I try to have faith.

    Please keep us informed of any more progress and updates, but it sounds like you are on the right track toward a healthier relationship, and always remember to make yourself number 1.

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