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April 3, 2018 at 6:48 am #200675
PatrickParticipantHello all,
I have been here in the past, and for similar reasons, though it hasn’t been as bad as lately. It is possible this may belong in emotional mastery, however, it also deals with my own strive, or lack thereof, for personal purpose. As usual, I feel it necessary to preface this with a bit of personal background and insight into my own discoveries of my own mind and psyche. While I do believe this problem to be fixable, it is nearly impossible for me to do this alone because of the way my thought processes work. You will also see me make several excuses like that, as if it was an external problem that is afflicting me and not my own damn self to blame which I like to do quite a bit anyways. With that out of the way, here we go.
I’m selfish. Have been my whole life and while that is relatively normal for the majority of humanity, I believe mine is an unfortunate case of possible psychosis or borderline personality disorder. You see, I have, my whole life, been thinking what I have done with my life was for the purpose of making others happy. Until recently, I realized these efforts were a form of narcissism that aimed to gain the approval of others through their happiness. I wanted to make people happy so that they would see me positively and therefore make me feel good about myself.
Due to some childhood trauma (excuse) I never felt fully worthy of love and admiration. I still do not, otherwise this post wouldn’t be a thing. So here comes the big deal. A lot of people can overcome this feeling of self-worth through meditation, mental exercise and pursuing a purpose or interest of their’s. It’s common knowledge that accepting yourself and your faults leads to a healthier psyche and life in general and sets you up for future possibilities. I have practiced these techniques, but there is something holding me back. A part of me does not want to get better. After many hours of meditation, I can describe the workings of my mind.
This is where I may have some kind of mental disorder (excuse). We are known to have different levels of consciousness and various tools and processes to help us make decisions and understand ourselves along with the world we inhabit. The three levels as I will describe are Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious. The conscious deals with my conscious thoughts and actions, such as this conscious effort to make a post, playing a different music station, the initiative to make something (not the actual act) and other conscious activities. My conscious thoughts are the only thing keeping me floating right now.
My subconscious mind is where things get a little unpleasant. This one takes roots in my unconscious, but works for a different reason than my unconscious. This is the voice in the back of my head that tells me what’s right and wrong. It’s the ego, the issue child, the masked villain. He tells me I can’t do things and that life is just fine the way it is, when I know it isn’t. He doesn’t want me to change because he knows if I do, it will fundamentally change him and therefore completely anger the unconscious, of which he is just the hand. He is the one that ruminates about the things I screwed up on and tricks my conscious mind into believing I’m the scum of the earth. “Stop trying, you won’t make it”. And the issue with that is, I have very few hobbies and friends. I’m basically in still water because whenever I make a conscious effort to stir up the waters of my life, the subconscious comes out and says, “You suck at that, don’t even try” and I get discouraged and ultimately stop. Needless to say, I’m very quickly losing hobbies and friends. With much meditation, I can quiet this voice, but because of the unconscious part of my mind, it continues to summon more subconscious hands like some kind of anime boss.
Finally, the unconscious is the root cause of all of my suffering. The lizard-brain part of my skull that determines the root reason of why I do anything. It is the easiest to explain, but the hardest to pinpoint in the back of my mind. This part of my psyche is ultimately afraid of being judged, much like a child who is bullied (which I was). It desperately seeks validation from others and immediately throws away any evidence that other present of my faults. My unconscious mind thinks I’m not wrong ever and am impervious to rules and regulations and is pertified of being judged in any way whatsoever. It’s like a little spoiled brat (which I was) until shit hit the fan with my parents, which is definitely the reason why this mindset is prematurely cemented into my unconscious. I was supposed to develop a little bit more(excuse).
So ultimately, finding new people is terrifying, almost nothing interests me anymore and I spend my free time ruminating about how awesome I want my life to be but then putting myself down saying I will never have it. I am also probably the most selfish person you will ever meet and I have no excuse for it. Look how many times I used the word “I” in my post. There isn’t a single sentence without it (save for this one). So, friends, how bad off am I? Do I need bleach? Extermination? Or is this savable?
Please be honest and please have a good day. Thank you for reading.
April 3, 2018 at 7:37 am #200687
PeterParticipantit is almost always the case that whatever has wounded you will also be instrumental in your healing.” ― Robert A. Johnson
It is not possible to communicate our experiences to others or think about our experiences, feelings, thoughts without using the word ‘I’. The word ‘I’ is a construct of language which we tend to mistake the Self for. We mistake the word for the object, the map for the territory. You may have at times acted selfishly, felt selfish, judge yourself selfish however the Self is not memory, experience, emotion…
A step forward then is to let go of the attachments you have to your self judgments, labels and fear of “I”. In that regards I recommend Shadow work. The following books might be a good guide.
Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power & Creativity of Your Dark Side – David Richo
Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche – Robert A. Johnson
Our “shadow” is the collection of negative or undesirable traits we keep hidden—the things we don’t like about ourselves or are afraid to admit: egotist, non-“PC” proclivities, forbidden sexual desires. But it also includes our positive, untapped potential—qualities we may admire in others but disavow in ourselves. Befriending the shadow makes fear an ally and enables us to live more authentically.
“When we find ourselves in a depression, suddenly hate our spouse, our jobs, our lives – we can be sure that the unlived life is seeking our attention. When we feel restless, bored, or empty despite an outer life filled with riches, the unlived life is asking for us to engage. To not do this work will leave us depleted and despondent, with a nagging sense of ennui or failure. As you may have already discovered, doing or acquiring more does not quell your unease or dissatisfaction. Neither will “meditating on the light” or attempting to rise above the sufferings of earthly existence. Only awareness of your shadow qualities can help you to find an appropriate place for your unredeemed darkness and thereby create a more satisfying experience. To not do this work is to remain trapped in the loneliness, anxiety, and dualistic limits of the ego instead of awakening to your higher calling.” ― Robert A. Johnson
April 3, 2018 at 7:56 am #200691
AnonymousGuestDear Patrick:
Like in your other thread, I read you as a very intelligent person, articulate, creative, engaging.
This is my input: you have a hateful “inner critic”, the part of you that is telling you hateful things about yourself, raining on your parade, using every opportunity to drill in the message (that is well drilled and doesn’t need any more drilling, of course) that you are those things it tells you that you are.
Your childhood is not an excuse (it tells you that, not true). You were formed during your childhood, and that very inner critic is the mental representative of real people in your formative years, those years in childhood.
It tells you that you are selfish because you are motivated to feel good. Every single living thing with enough nerve cells to be capable of feeling good… is motivated to feel good.
I am still living with a hateful inner critic myself, takes a whole lot of time and a whole lot of patience to turn down its volume, to disengage from it.
anita
April 3, 2018 at 10:49 am #200713PatrickParticipantTo Peter:
I appreciate your thoughtful reply. Your post has brought my attention to the lack of attention I consciously bring to my dark thoughts. As with everyone else, dark thoughts occur. However, being in this state of self-inflicted suffering, I am attempting to avoid these dark thoughts rather than give them a time of day. The dualistic idea of right and wrong, light and dark have a heavy influence on me as of right now and the result is the need to be in the light, because that’s where I subconsciously think everyone else is. What I fail to bring my attention to is that everyone else also fears their darkness and not all have come to terms with it, just as I struggle with and I should really bring more attention to that fact: I am not alone in how I feel.
And you are right, my inner darkness is desperately clawing for my attention. Always. And it knows that it can get my attention by putting me down and holding me back. There’s something I’m missing in my life and he is trying to tell me. I intend to check out the books you have listed from the library and give them a read. I want to know what I can do to give the proper attention to that half of myself.
To Anita:
You said: “…that very inner critic is the mental representative of real people in your formative years..” and that struck me profoundly. It made me realize that this critic of mine is not a set of memories and people that playover in my head to torture me, but rather an identity, comprised of the various situations which framed my dark emotions that would, in a healthy adult, aid in everyday situations. Such as breaking a leg because you ran too fast down the stairs now serves as a lesson to take your time on the stairs. Rather, my dark identity was made by childhood heroes telling me I will never be good enough. Even when I graduated college, it felt insignificant because all those years ago, I was told I would never be smart enough. While I consciously am proud of my achievement, I still unconsciously believe that dark voice within me.
Thank both of you for your responses. I will bring more attention to this area of my life.
April 3, 2018 at 11:14 am #200715AnonymousGuestDear Patrick:
You are welcome. I didn’t understand all of your last post.
You wrote: “my dark identity was made by childhood heroes telling me I will never be good enough”. If you would like, will you explain this sentence to me in a way that is simple to understand, best you can?
anita
April 3, 2018 at 1:23 pm #200727PatrickParticipantTo Anita:
Of course. It simply means that an idol who I thought respected me and wanted me to succeed in life, actually said some pretty mean things insulting my intelligence. And the foolish thing is I believed it and now I’m where I am at because of it. I can hear the voice still and since I’ve been thinking about what you all have said, the shadow sounds remarkably like that voice from my childhood. I may just be imagining it, though I do not see why it cannot be the case.
April 3, 2018 at 2:58 pm #200757PeterParticipantHi Patrick
Your statement “and now I’m where I am at because of it” was interesting. Reminds me of the saying “It takes 1,000 ‘atta boys’ to erase one ‘you’re an idiot” and I wonder why we fixate on the negative? It also reminded me of the saying that “You can’t change others. You Can Only Change Yourself”, which if true, suggests we hold the power to who we are… unless we give it away.
Have you seen the movie “Inside out”? In the movie a part of the psyche refused to accept ‘sadness’ which created the suffering. After watching the move the question I asked myself was how often did I have to learn the lesson that trying to avoid “bad” feelings only creates trouble. I actually cried
April 4, 2018 at 4:12 am #200793AnonymousGuestDear Patrick:
I wonder if the idol you mentioned was a parent?
You wrote: “the foolish thing is I believed it”. A couple of things:
1. A child is not capable of evaluating what he is told as true or not true. A child believes what he is told without evaluating it. It is not that a child is foolish. A child is not experienced yet, no prior experience to use for a possible evaluation.
2. If you were told what was true, it wouldn’t have distressed you then or now. For example if someone told you now that you are a zebra, not a human, that wouldn’t distress you, would it, because you know it is not true. But when you were told by your idol that you were not good enough, or less than, or this and that, those things distressed you then and now because they are not true.
How to get rid of that voice, that mental representative of the idol, that inner critic?
It takes exploring the message of the voice: is it true, doing what you were not able to do as a child: evaluate it.
It takes more and more mindful of that voice, that is, noticing it during the day as it voices itself here and there, in the circumstances it does, then disengaging from it. This is a practice that takes a whole lot of time and persistence, extreme patience.
anita
April 4, 2018 at 8:41 am #200823PatrickParticipantPeter:
Why do we always fixate on the negative? From a scientific standpoint, our ancestors could live longer if they were able to identify past threats manifesting in the present moment. For example knowing that the stir of leaves in the woods could potentially be a predator and not just the wind and we alert ourselves to defend our life. As you are well aware, we no longer live in those times. Humans can live in relative comfort from the environment’s dangers, however, our senses and memories still consider threats. These warning signals are our ego trying to save itself because back then, our ego was literally our lives. If you didn’t save it, it was all over, lights out. Our brains continue to function in this way, perceiving insignificant threats now instead of legitimate dangers to life. Anything that damages the ego is remembered as to attempt to avoid possible danger to it in the future. Except now, we are also self-aware and it leads us to judge ourselves for doing this and further hurt ourselves.
Yes I have seen “Inside Out” (a brilliant movie btw) and it applies directly to this. Trying to feel happy all the time and avoiding the negative only makes it harder to remove negativity from your life. “Resistance makes stronger” as I have heard.
As promised, I have been working on listening to these dark thoughts, and releasing them rather than simply ignoring their presence. I cannot give definitive results as it has only been a day, but I can feel more energy and innovation. I’m slightly more motivated on average. Only now I have a pain in my chest (from anxiety). So it seems there was a trade off. Anxiety means I am scared of something, always has been. Could it be I’m afraid of what I might become? Or perhaps it’s unnerving letting myself be free to do things I have been holding back in which case I have not made progress at all.
Anita:
Your suggestions go on the basis that there was no prior experience to derive a comparison between evaluations. This is not true. Earlier in childhood, the belief was deeply ingrained that I was worth a great deal and my performance in school and home was desirable. Indeed it was, I got As, my younger siblings were trouble makers in the house so I was the good kid. So I had what I was told by my parents as well as what reality had actually shown me that I was worth it. Then suddenly I hear this thing and I cannot remember any other praise I ever received from this person. It was all overwritten in my mind.
I started having thoughts like “Is this true? Was I just lucky? Was it all a lie?” and then my grades suffered and it became reality. So I believe it, and now when I tell myself otherwise, it falls apart.
I don’t know what the problem is. It is definitely one of 2 things:
1) I actually am stupid and worthless and I accept this and move on with mediocre existence. OR
2) I am not worthless and realize this dark part of my mind was conceived when I was a child and that life will only get better when I embrace this part of myself.
The difficult part is understanding which persona was created that day. Am I actually dumb and created a mindset that denies my stupidity and worthlessness? OR am I actually intelligent and a dark shadow was created to drag me down?
Sorry for my ramble! Please understand. Thank you for reading.
April 4, 2018 at 8:58 am #200825AnonymousGuestDear Patrick:
Who was that idol then, if not a parent? Who was he or she, when did that person appear in your life, how often were the interactions with that person, what was his input in those repeating (?) interactions, where were your parents during those interactions (they did not protect you from this idol’s put downs…?)
anita
April 5, 2018 at 4:14 am #200939AnonymousGuestDear Patrick:
I realized earlier that I made a mistake in my zebra example to you, post before last (the #2 part) which makes it senseless. I will not bother to correct it so to make sense of it at this point.
I will leave you with this, regarding part of your question in your last note to me (“Am I actually dumb… OR am I actually intelligent”): I am sure you are very intelligent, that tests evaluating your use of language and other academic skills will prove your intelligence. Problem is as I see it, that you are vague. Not dumb but vague. Intelligent but vague.
You haven’t told your story yet, not in the previous thread and not in this one. You shared a bit about your father in the previous thread and on this thread you mentioned an idol, but no clarity at all: was your idol your father, your mother, an uncle, a teacher… I don’t know.
You shared in the previous thread that your father promised you that he will not make you feel inferior and he broke that promise. Here is the vagueness: it is not likely at all that a child will ask his father: please don’t make me feel inferior! This thought seems to me a retroactive thought, something you think as an adult.
Again, vague. Clarity will help a great deal, expressing yourself simply and clearly.
anita
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